Pizza Hut Debuts New "Big Box o' Cheese" Pizza
NEW YORK (DPI) – With the recent success of its stuffed-
crust and triple-stuffed-crust pizzas, Pizza Hut has been under
pressure to engineer an even cheesier pizza. That pressure paid
off this week with the unveiling of the new Pizza Hut Big Box
o' Cheese pizza. The pizza consists of a whopping three and a
half pounds of melted mozzarella cheese. Dough and sauce
have been eliminated from the recipe. While traditional
toppings such as pepperoni are unavailable, customers do have
the option of requesting extra cheese. Some traditionalists have
argued that the new pizza is actually not a pizza at all, and
health officials have been quick to label it the Big Box o'
(Reported by Scott Haworth)
Ohio Politician: Supreme Court Ruling to Create "Pinot Noirgies in Streets"
COLUMBUS, Ohio (DPI) – State Rep. Randall
Fenzer (R-Ashtabula) strongly decried last week's Supreme
Court ruling invalidating bans on interstate wine shipments in
21 states, including Ohio. "These activist judges have just
opened a Pandora's Box of debauchery and moral degradation," Fenzer said
in response to the ruling that will soon allow Ohioans to purchase
California wines over the Internet. "Before this vile undermining of good
Christian values of the people of Ohio, our citizens actually had to
travel to California or their corner grocery to taste a Pinot Noir. Now
they can have the devil's brew shipped directly to their homes." The Lake
Erie wine country representative ranted on in great detail about "Pinot
Noirgies in the streets of Cleveland" and "rampant Zinfandelity in the
bedrooms of Dayton" for 40 minutes before wiping the rabid froth from his
mouth, boarding his horse and buggy and fervently shunning the State House.
(Reported by Carl Knorr)
Anorexic Lindsay Lohan Fails to Fulfill SNL Viewer's Masturbation Fantasy
Saddam Inks Endorsement Deal With Fruit of the Loom
Trump Calls for 100-Story, Middle-Finger-Shaped Tower That Points Toward Mecca
Bob Schieffer Ditched in Favor of CSI: Evening News
Dog Recalled as Rollover Risk
Britney and Kevin on Track to Become Next Roseanne and Tom
Study Shows Readers Ignore Articles With Dull Headlines
NEW YORK (DPI) – A recent study by the National Media
Survey Group has discovered that no one will read a newspaper
article if the headline is not compelling. This means that the
body of an article with a boring headline is most often
completely irrelevant. Mary had a little lamb it's fleece was
white as snow. Old New York was once New Amsterdam.
Yakkity Yakkity Yakkity. We the People of the United States.
Antidisestablishmentarianism is a big word. Blah blah blah blah blah.
(Reported by Scott Haworth)
Newsweek: Pentagon Hires Charmin, American Standard to Develop More Flushable Quran
WASHINGTON (DPI) - The "Toiletgate" scandal that rocked
the White House and the Middle East last week erupted again
today as Newsweek magazine reported that the Department of
Defense awarded a $25-million contract to the nation's leading
bathroom tissue and toilet manufacturers to develop a "flush-friendly"
"The Quran-flushing at Gitmo is really pissing off the
maintenance guys down there," the magazine quoted an unnamed Pentagon
official as saying. "Those friggin' water-conserving, low-flow crappers
can't handle a post-Thanksgiving dinner dump, much less a holy book."
Military interrogators are said to be hopeful that the new toilet-ready
Quran will dissolve more easily when soaked in "red, white and blue" urine
and fecal matter. Newsweek plans to retract the article after selling a
record number of the glossy fish wraps.
White House spokesman Scott McClellan was quick to condemn the
report, blaming Newsweek for violent anti-American protests
in the Middle East, all U.S. casualties in the Iraq War,
President Bush's floundering plan to privatize Social Security,
Terri Schiavo's death and Boston Rob and Amber's loss on The
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Notable quotes from this week's news:
"'Charmin,' 'Quran.' Easy enough mistake."
- Newsweek, acknowledging errors in a story claiming military interrogators flushed Islam's holy book down a toilet. The apology sparked further violence in Afghanistan.
"South Koreans have a long, proud tradition of not getting blown to bits."
- A South Korean spokesman on concessions to lure North Korea back to nuclear talks.
"We've brushed up on the difference between things like 'Warp Drive' and 'Hyperdrive.'"
- A suicide phone operator commenting on the Star Wars and Star Trek franchises ending the same week.
"That's right, a theory, and not a very good one. I've gone to the zoo for like hours and haven't seen a monkey change one hair."
- Stephen Meyer on his advocacy for introducing Intelligent Design into Kansas schools.
"You have to deal with them. They've positioned themselves smack dab in the middle on the country with all those crucial highways running through."
- Evolution scholar Joe Dunkin pondering the elimination of Kansas.
"Same as all the other 'Survivor' winners -- try to buy my dignity back."
- Winner Tom Westman on what his plans for his prize money.
(Compiled by Davejames)