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May 27, 2003

U.S. Seizes Iraqi "Gold of Mass Destruction"

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said this week that U.S. military forces captured an estimated $500 million worth of weapons of mass destruction in the form of 24-karat gold bars. Although the enormous cache of pure gold bullion looked "deceptively benign" to the untrained civilian's eye, said Rumsfeld, it actually yielded yet more evidence of Saddam's evil WMD program. According to the secretary, just a single gold bar, if dropped by an Iraqi terrorist from a tall building, had the power to "destroy a mall kiosk, or to at least put one hell of a dent into a Ford Windstar."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Saipanese Seamstress Signs 4-Year, $90 Deal With Nike

SAIPAN, Northern Mariana Islands (DPI) - Helen Bugaloc, 14, a full-time sewing machine operator, was offered a record four-year, $90 contract with Nike "in anticipation of her considerable canvas-working skills," the company announced today. Bugaloc and her family accepted a transfer from the Philippines to Saipan in 1994 to take advantage of the prevalence of good sewing programs like Gap and VFS Brands and "an additional toilet break each day," she said. Bugaloc's agent, Manny Weitz, said she is "happy to be able to spend so many of her days, and many of her nights, too," working with the worldwide leader in branding. "There is also a ceiling fan," said Bugaloc.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Canadian Tourism Department Introduces "Bubble Boy" Program

TORONTO (DPI) - While claiming the health risks of visiting Canada are "overblown," officials here nevertheless introduced a new "Bubble Boy" vacation package that provides tourists with hermetically sealed transparent bubbles through which to view the nation's attractions. "We believe any vacationer can, with a little prudence, come see our beautiful country in complete safety," said Minister of Tourism Allan Rock. "The Bubble Boy is one simple step toward that goal." Other prudent precautions include not breathing Canadian air, touching Canadian people or anything a Canadian might have touched, or eating anything until safely south of Columbus, Ohio.

(Reported by Joseph Moore)

Dentist Kills Patient Over Caramel Consumption

DENVER (DPI) - A local dentist charged with killing a patient is speaking out. "That bastard had a fucking Heath bar in one hand and a can of goddamned Sprite in the other," said John Weal, who is free on bail while he awaits trial on a murder charge in the death of 23-year-old Ken Larsen. "Yeah, I killed him, and I saved him the pain of that caramel pulling out his fillings and the citrus ruining his gums. Stupid only-brush-once-a-day motherfucker. For him it was a mercy killing." The American Dental Association so far has yet to condemn Weal, but admits the publicity is giving a boost to its new advertising slogan, "You best floss or I'm gonna kick your ass, bitch!"

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Alaric Offers to Thin Democratic Presidential Hopeful Pool

ATLANTA (DPI) - Fresh from meetings with Sen. Hillary Clinton widely rumored to presage her run for the presidency, Alaric the Visigoth offered to personally thin the ranks of Democratic presidential hopefuls. "Who are these yapping dogs?" said the fifth-century sacker of Rome and current celebrity political analyst for CNN. "If no worthy barbarian can be bothered to slay them, I myself shall spill their entrails and set their heads on pikes." When asked if he were unwilling to wait for the primaries to winnow the number of candidates down, Alaric brought the press conference to a close by beheading the reporter who posed the question.

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)

Pimps Vow to Provide Health, Dental, Slap Upside Head

Man Ponders Leap to High-Tech Toothbrush

Ant Farm Mistaken for Etch A Sketch

Wheels on Gifted School's Bus Go Hypocycloid and Epicycloid

Vegas Opens Atlantic City-Themed Casino

Piazza Tears Groin in Suspicious Post-Game Shower Incident

EPA Chief Whitman Steps Down, Lands on Endangered Beetle

U.S. Creates Looters' Assembly to Better Organize Looting

Mannequin Kind of Hot

Family Vacation Spoiled by Weather, Zombies

More headlines

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I Do Fear Mister Ishmael's Days Are Numbered Here

Life Experience Now Available in Schoolbook Form

Geeky Kid With Pool Suddenly Popular

Weekly World News Hires Jayson Blair

BOCA RATON, Fla. (DPI) - Former New York Times reporter Jayson Blair, who was fired by the famed newspaper for fabricating and plagiarizing information, has found a new job at the famed supermarket tabloid the Weekly World News. "We feel the New York Times let go a real gem," said Trace Bueller, editor-in-chief of the WWN. "There's some real talent in this kid." Already Blair has shown his flair for the job by reporting on President Bush's recent psychic revelation over the remains of Saddam Hussein's palace, proving the overthrown Iraqi leader is not only Satan, but also the conjoined twin of a 1,000-year-old half-wolf arsonist psychopath.

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

Rolls Royce Owner Vows Ass-Kicking at Mere Mention of Mustard

SAN FRANCISCO (DPI) - The next person to come up to Peter Weaver's Rolls Royce, rap on the window and ask, "Do you have any Grey Poupon?" is going to get his ass kicked, according to the San Jose software developer. "Oh, it was cute the first two or three hundred times it happened," said Weaver, 39. Since acquiring the car late last year, Weaver and his driver, Hans, have endured countless renditions of the 1981 pitchline. "I've ordered Hans to take out the next asshole who does it," said Weaver. "How about some French's to go with that grin, punk?"

(Reported by Brad Osberg)

Reebok Signs Wrong LeBron

CLEVELAND (DPI) - Retired school bus driver LeBron Jones was as surprised as anyone when sneaker giant Reebok offered him $90 million to endorse its shoes for five years. Jones, who said he "used to play a little baseball, back in the day," signed the contract after speaking to a Reebok representative. A Reebok marketing spokesperson denied that any mistake was made, saying, "With modern digital effects, we could show Mr. Jones dunking on Wilt, pitching to Babe Ruth, kissing Michelle Pfeiffer - anything at all."

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani and Ishmael Alighieri)

Man Feels Really Really Good

BUFFALO, N.Y. (DPI) - Jeff McEwan is feeling really, really good. In fact, the 26-year-old copywriter admitted today he hasn't felt this good in years. McEwan said he recently added more fiber to his diet, switched from briefs to boxers and started using scrunching gel. "I don't know if it's any one thing, or a combination, but damn. I feel good," he said.

(Reported by Brad Osberg)

Obsessive/Compulsive Worried About Mess From Suicide Bomber

U.S. to Raise Allowable Levels of Peasant, Donkey in Imported Coffees

CBS to Debut My Big Fat Shitty Sitcom

Berlitz Unveils New Pig Latin, Pig French, Pig Klingon Language Learning Series

Study: Up to 15 Percent of Hot-Tub Bubbles Occupant-Generated

Bored Death Row Witnesses Demand Return of "Old Flamey"

Baby Boomer Still Regrets Not Nailing Drunk Chick at 11th-Grade Party

Sorenstam Tabbed as New Host of The Man Show

Pope, 83, Canonizes New Orleans Saints

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