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May 28, 2002

Trebuchets, Petards, War Elephants Banned From Domestic Flights

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Acting on the realization that the 9/11 hijackers used primitive technology to take over planes, the Federal Aviation Administration today banned a wide range of medieval and archaic weapons from all domestic flights, including trebuchets, petards and war elephants. "Before the whole WTC thing, we'd have looked the other way if someone had slipped an atlatl or poleaxe into their carry-on luggage," spokeswoman Anne Henry noted. "War elephants could once have been passed for service animals, but no longer." Officials declined to ban potato cannons and surgical tubing sling-shots at this time, stating that the technology involved was probably beyond the typical hijacker's grasp.

(Reported by Joseph Moore)

Bushes Deny Business Ties to Bin Laden Family

New "Ashcroftware" Detects Un-American Computer Content

WASHINGTON (DPI) - U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft announced today that the federal government is working with Microsoft to create LeftyAudit, a new software program designed to detect un-American content stored in a computer's hard drive. According to Ashcroft, the new Ashcroftware detects anti-American material by searching for telltale keywords and phrases such as "civil liberties," "gun control," and "person of color." LeftyAudit then deletes the objectionable material from the computer's hard drive, and inserts bookmarks into the "Favorites" folder for the web sites of the NRA, Drudge Report, and the 700 Club.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Bush Officials Eat Babies; Approval Ratings Steady at 75%

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Revelations that the Bush Administration regularly dines on freshly killed babies has not dented Bush's 75-plus percent approval rating. Democrats appear stunned that not even this news has caused the public to turn on Bush. Minority Leader Dick Gephardt called for an investigation, saying, "The American people deserve to know all the facts before passing judgment. Can't we at least find out whose babies are being eaten? What if the administration is discriminatorily eating only minority babies?" Vice President Cheney shot down Gephardt's request, responding, "In a time of war, it is dangerous to tell our enemies which babies we are eating."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Litterbug Cited for Dumping Body in Park

CHICAGO (DPI) - Police today cited an unidentified man for littering when he dumped a human body in a remote area of a west-side park. "We're taking a get-tough attitude with these people," said police spokesman James Benberg. "These creeps think that because it's a remote area, they can just dump their bodies anywhere. From now on, you're getting a nice little fine." Other residents didn't think a fine went far enough. "Have you seen all the bodies down next to the river? It's disgusting!" said Emma Kowalski. The Chicago Department of Sanitation will pick up any properly bagged body put out curbside with the garbage.

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)

Alanis Morissette's Boyfriend Worries About Becoming a Song

TORONTO (DPI) - As the boyfriend of popular singer/songwriter Alanis Morissette, Stewart Donaldson is worried about becoming the subject of a song of disenchantment. "She's really interesting and fun, but I'm always worried that I'm gonna screw up and become the subject of some new dude-bashing hit single," said Donaldson. Morissette's last boyfriend inspired the 1999 hit "Forgotten Porcelain" after an unfortunate toilet-seat gaffe. "I have to admit, Alanis is great, but I don't want 50 million fans to know if I leave a pair of dirty socks on the floor."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Americans Enjoy Labor Day Weekend, Or Memorial Day Or Whatever

Levy's Body Found in Episode II Line

Reagan Briefed About Possibility of Challenger Explosion

Striking Soccer Hooligans Vow to "Behave Until It Hurts"

Kiss-Ass Conformist Correctly Voted "Most Likely to Succeed"

Rumsfeld Still Has Plenty of Scary Shit to Say

Film Contract Reveals Hugh Grant Paid Per Flutter

Shoe Bomber Had Outside Help From al-Qaeda, Rockport

Lawn-Obsessed Guy to Dandelions: "SEE YOU IN HELL!"

Uncorroborated Warning Heeded

More headlines

Keebler Introduces Jeez-Its to Appeal to Catholic Market

Cricket Match Brings Millions to True Spiritual Enlightenment

Report: Bush Knew Presidential Limo Was Low on Oil Before Engine Blew

CRAWFORD, TEXAS (DPI) - President Bush came under fire this week amid revelations that he knew the presidential limousine was low on oil before he "baked the motor" last week. "When did the president last check the oil?" said Democratic Sen. Tom Daschle. "Did he notice any leaking onto the floor of the White House garage? Didn't he hear any engine noise?" Bush defended his inaction, saying, "I knew I was low, but oil-change places don't exactly grow on trees in Crawford, Texas." Bush will carpool with Vice President Cheney until he gets the nerve to ask Congress for $750,000 "for some new wheels."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Sales Disappointing for Hasbro's "Mr. Rutabaga Head"

McCoys Pledge Support for War on Terror; Hatfields Join al-Qaeda

OZARK MOUNTAINS (DPI) - Ending years of isolation, the McCoy clan's senior spokesman Randall "Ol Ran'l" McCoy announced today that the family stands ready to serve its country in defending it from terrorist attack. In response, the 2,814 surviving members of the Hatfield clan immediately swore allegiance to the Islamic fundamentalist group al-Qaeda. Citing a deep and burning desire to rid the world of the infidel McCoys, Samuel "Ibrahim Al Mohammed" Hatfield declared that the feud between the warring clans had elevated to Jihad status. According to Northern Arkansas intelligence sources, the Hatfield boys plan to raid several McCoy farms, stealing hogs and exploding truck bombs near McCoy-dominated schools.

(Reported by Ross Brown)

Convicted Klansman Didn't Know Killing Minorities Illegal

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. (DPI) - Despite his defense team's assertions that "killing black people back then wasn't a crime," former Klansman Bobby Frank Cherry was convicted of four murders connected to the 1963 bombing of a church. As justification, defense lawyer Mickey Johnson pointed to a controversial 1926 Alabama state law that notes that "a colored person with [no] entertainment or sports value [may be killed] for various crimes of nothingness." This law, which also allows for the killing of immigrants not actively performing lawn maintenance, was determined not to be just cause by the jury.

(Reported by Davejames)

Stephen Jay Gould Not the Fittest
Saddam Refuses to Hand Over Immunity Idol
Condit Found Crouching Like Squirrel Next to Levy Remains
Abercrombie & Fitch Unveil New "Baby's First Thong" Line
Knowledge of Klingon Fails to Save Hospitalized Biker-Bar Patron
Piazza Traded to Village People for a Cowboy to Be Named Later
"Peace, Out" Assimilated Into Dad's Vocabulary
Study: Incest Rates Drop During Country Music Award Shows
Tie Domi Eats Tyson's Children
Sam Snead Gets in the Hole

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