Trebuchets, Petards, War Elephants Banned From Domestic Flights
WASHINGTON (DPI) - Acting on the realization that the 9/11 hijackers used
primitive technology to take over planes, the Federal Aviation
Administration today banned a wide range of medieval and archaic weapons
from all domestic flights, including trebuchets, petards and war elephants.
"Before the whole WTC thing, we'd have looked the other way if someone had
slipped an atlatl or poleaxe into their carry-on luggage," spokeswoman Anne
Henry noted. "War elephants could once have been passed for service animals,
but no longer." Officials declined to ban potato cannons and surgical tubing
sling-shots at this time, stating that the technology involved was probably
beyond the typical hijacker's grasp.
(Reported by Joseph Moore)
Bushes Deny Business Ties to Bin Laden Family
New "Ashcroftware" Detects Un-American Computer Content
WASHINGTON (DPI) - U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft announced today that
the federal government is working with Microsoft to create LeftyAudit, a
new software program designed to detect un-American content stored in a
computer's hard drive. According to Ashcroft, the new Ashcroftware detects
anti-American material by searching for telltale keywords and phrases such
as "civil liberties," "gun control," and "person of color." LeftyAudit then
deletes the objectionable material from the computer's hard drive, and
inserts bookmarks into the "Favorites" folder for the web sites of the NRA,
Drudge Report, and the 700 Club.
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Bush Officials Eat Babies; Approval Ratings Steady at 75%
WASHINGTON (DPI) - Revelations that the Bush Administration regularly dines
on freshly killed babies has not dented Bush's 75-plus percent approval rating.
Democrats appear stunned that not even this news has caused the public to
turn on Bush. Minority Leader Dick Gephardt called for an investigation,
saying, "The American people deserve to know all the facts before passing
judgment. Can't we at least find out whose babies are being eaten? What if
the administration is discriminatorily eating only minority babies?" Vice
President Cheney shot down Gephardt's request, responding, "In a time of war,
it is dangerous to tell our enemies which babies we are eating."
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Litterbug Cited for Dumping Body in Park
CHICAGO (DPI) - Police today cited an unidentified man for
littering when he dumped a human body in a remote area of a west-side park.
"We're taking a get-tough attitude with these people," said police
spokesman James Benberg. "These creeps think that because it's a remote area,
they can just dump their bodies anywhere. From now on, you're getting a
nice little fine." Other residents didn't think a fine went far enough.
"Have you seen all the bodies down next to the river? It's disgusting!"
said Emma Kowalski. The Chicago Department of Sanitation will pick up any
properly bagged body put out curbside with the garbage.
(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)
Alanis Morissette's Boyfriend Worries About Becoming a Song
TORONTO (DPI) - As the boyfriend of popular singer/songwriter Alanis
Morissette, Stewart Donaldson is worried about becoming the subject of a
song of disenchantment. "She's really interesting and fun, but I'm always
worried that I'm gonna screw up and become the subject of some new
dude-bashing hit single," said Donaldson. Morissette's last boyfriend
inspired the 1999 hit "Forgotten Porcelain" after an unfortunate toilet-seat
gaffe. "I have to admit, Alanis is great, but I don't want 50 million fans
to know if I leave a pair of dirty socks on the floor."
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Americans Enjoy Labor Day Weekend, Or Memorial Day Or Whatever
Levy's Body Found in Episode II Line
Reagan Briefed About Possibility of Challenger Explosion
Striking Soccer Hooligans Vow to "Behave Until It Hurts"
Kiss-Ass Conformist Correctly Voted "Most Likely to Succeed"
Rumsfeld Still Has Plenty of Scary Shit to Say
Film Contract Reveals Hugh Grant Paid Per Flutter
Shoe Bomber Had Outside Help From al-Qaeda, Rockport
Lawn-Obsessed Guy to Dandelions: "SEE YOU IN HELL!"
Uncorroborated Warning Heeded
Keebler Introduces Jeez-Its to Appeal to Catholic Market
Cricket Match Brings Millions to True Spiritual Enlightenment
Report: Bush Knew Presidential Limo Was Low on Oil Before Engine Blew
CRAWFORD, TEXAS (DPI) - President Bush came under fire this week amid
revelations that he knew the presidential limousine
was low on oil before he "baked the motor" last week. "When did the
president last check the oil?" said Democratic Sen. Tom Daschle. "Did he
notice any leaking onto the floor of the White House garage? Didn't he hear
any engine noise?" Bush defended his inaction, saying, "I knew I was low,
but oil-change places don't exactly grow on trees in Crawford, Texas." Bush
will carpool with Vice President Cheney until he gets the nerve to ask
Congress for $750,000 "for some new wheels."
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Sales Disappointing for Hasbro's "Mr. Rutabaga Head"
McCoys Pledge Support for War on Terror; Hatfields Join al-Qaeda
OZARK MOUNTAINS (DPI) - Ending years of isolation, the McCoy clan's senior
spokesman Randall "Ol Ran'l" McCoy announced today that the family stands
ready to serve its country in defending it from terrorist attack. In
response, the 2,814 surviving members of the Hatfield clan immediately swore
allegiance to the Islamic fundamentalist group al-Qaeda. Citing a deep and
burning desire to rid the world of the infidel McCoys, Samuel "Ibrahim Al
Mohammed" Hatfield declared that the feud between the warring clans had
elevated to Jihad status. According to Northern Arkansas intelligence
sources, the Hatfield boys plan to raid several McCoy farms, stealing hogs
and exploding truck bombs near McCoy-dominated schools.
(Reported by Ross Brown)
Convicted Klansman Didn't Know Killing Minorities Illegal
BIRMINGHAM, Ala. (DPI) - Despite his defense team's assertions that
people back then wasn't a crime," former Klansman Bobby Frank Cherry was
convicted of four murders connected to the 1963 bombing of a church. As
justification, defense lawyer Mickey Johnson pointed to a controversial 1926
Alabama state law that notes that "a colored person with [no] entertainment
or sports value [may be killed] for various crimes of nothingness." This
law, which also allows for the killing of immigrants not actively performing
lawn maintenance, was determined not to be just cause by the jury.
(Reported by Davejames)