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Bush Proposes Iraqi Capital Gains Cut
WASHINGTON (DPI) - President Bush today announced a significant cut in the Iraqi capital gains
tax in lieu of any further food, water or medical
assistance to the suffering nation.
"The main problem in Iraq isn't hunger,
the torrent of looters, or even the
collapse of their infrastructure in the wake of
war, but rather that Iraq's highest wage earners are being overtaxed on the
sale of investments in their portfolios," said the president.
Bush said his plan also will benefit lower- and
middle-class Iraqis, who will now have a
maximum capital gains tax of only 15 percent on the sale of
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Automobile Manufacturers Vie for Last Three Western Place Names
DETROIT (DPI) - Bidding is fierce in the war for new automobile brand
names as the 2004 introduction of the new Chrysler Las Cruces, Subaru
Yosemite and Lexus Grand Teton reduced the pool of available places west of
the Mississippi to three. Medford, Ore., one of the last holdouts, is said
to be considering several bids for rights to its name. "The
frenzy over Medford just goes to show you the marketing appeal," said
industry analyst Jeffrey McCracken of the Detroit Free Press. "And 'Medford'
sounds like a nerdy kid's name." The other two places, Billings, Montana and
Washoe County, Nevada, are expected to bring similar interest.
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik, graphic by Kevin Wickart)
LeBron Considers Founding Religion
CLEVELAND (DPI) - Declaring that his goal of starring in the NBA is a
foregone conclusion, high school basketball phenomenon LeBron James announced this week he was
seeking to start his own religion. His agent denied that his 19-year-old client is overreaching
with plans to become a world religious leader, saying, "People are
hungry for something to give meaning to their drab, pointless lives,
especially since Jordan re-retired. And, frankly, if L. Ron
Hubbard and Joseph Smith can pull it off, it should be a no-brainer for
LeBron." The key feature of LeBronism is said to be "salvation with
serious hop and wicked moves to the hole." "I don't want to be the next
Christ," James said. "I just want to be the best LeBron James I can be."
(Reported by Joseph Moore)
Islamic Dude Killed by Lightning
INDIANAPOLIS (DPI) - This is a true story. This guy was, he was one
of those Islamic dudes, OK, so he's praying facing Islam five or six
times a day almost every day, five or six times a day. My buddy's
roommate knew this dude, I met the guy once and everything. OK, so
he's praying this one day he's facing Islam when he gets hit by this bolt
of lightning and dies. I'm not making this up, man, you can ask
Cliff and he'll tell you. So Islam is the answer? Well, why'd the
dude get blowed up by lightning then? If you can answer that one,
I'll convert, dude.
(Reported by This One Guy)
Iraqi Minister of Information in Demand as Commencement Speaker
IRVINE, Calif. (DPI) - As the job prospects of this year's
crop of graduates continue to circle the drain in ever tighter spirals,
those charged with finding an appropriate commencement speaker have cast
their nets ever farther. This year's prize catch is Mohammed Saeed
al-Sahhaf, the recently laid-off Iraqi minister of information. "The future
of college graduates, especially in high-tech, has never been brighter, with all graduates enjoying multiple high-paying offers in
their chosen fields," al-Sahhaf told University of California-Irvine graduates. He concluded that "only godless infidels" doubt their
ability to pay off all those college loans.
(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)
Affleck Sues to Wear Stupid Smirk in License Photo
Serial Killer Described as Nice, Charming, Bloody
Bush Warns SARS to Cut It Out or Face Military Action
Peterson Attorney: Laci's Death Was Jackass Stunt Gone Awry
3-Year-Old Gets Finger In to 3rd Knuckle
Bob Hope's Hemorrhoids Turn 60
1/4-Inch Thick Squirrel Not Quite Fast Enough
Bush: "Rich Pay Unfair Share of Country Club Fees"
Babysitter Paid In Folded Singles
Man, I Really Bagged the Wife Last Night
Professional Wrestling Referee Still Unclear on Rules
The Daily Probe Looks at the New $20 Bill
Murder Defendant Works Out to Get Fit to Stand Trial
Canada Consolidates Top Three Deadly Diseases
OTTAWA (DPI) - Canadian Federal Health Minister Anne McLelland has
approved a motion to merge and shorten the names of the nation's three
biggest health scares. Mad cow disease, SARS and the West Nile virus will
now be referred to simply as "Cowsarnile."
The rationale for the move was to give Canadian border guards just one
all-inclusive, catchy term to use while downplaying or dismissing the
concerns of jittery American tourists entering the country. Officials are
confident the more streamlined "Cowsarnile" will speed up lines at the
numerous manned crossings along the Canadian-U.S. border.
"Come to Canada, but don't worry about the cowsarnile," said McLelland.
(Reported by Brad Osberg)
Fashion Designers: "Gleeble Me Little Squid Loony!"
PARIS (DPI) - Fashion designer Lonny Ignazzi went into a frenzy yesterday, trying to paint dressing-room walls with his own urine. "We're just crazy people taking your money," witnesses quoted Ignazzi as saying before his words became unintelligible. One of his assistants attributed the episode to psychiatric problems rampant in the industry. "Ignazzi and most other fashion
designers are certifiably insane," said the assistant, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "They dress emaciated women in scraps
of cellophane and metal in 'designs' that you will never see on the
market." An unnamed industry insider also acknowledged the existence of widespread emotional disorders. "Most of us who pay to
attend these shows are direct descendants of people who crammed into the freak tent whenever the circus
came to town," he said.
Models showing the new Ignazzi designs.
(Reported by Mark Schmidt, graphic by Wickart/White)
Terrorists Plan Hidden Media Messages
WASHINGTON (DPI) - Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld warned today
that members of the al-Qaeda terrorist network might use the media to
transmit coded instructions to its parallel porkchop fence
pumpernickel hose. Rear bong speakerphone cardboard wax chirp.
(Reported by Dave Henry)