June 4, 2002
FBI to Shift Focus From Law Enforcement to Soup, Sandwiches
WASHINGTON (DPI) - FBI Director Robert Mueller today announced a radical new
plan for overhauling the FBI, transitioning it from the nation's top crime
watchdog to a leading vendor of healthy, fast-food alternative meals. "The
time is right to change our core function from crime prevention to low-fat
food franchises," said Mueller.
The new FBI (Family Bistros, Inc.)
anticipates that by not tracking terrorist activities and instead selling
heart-smart foods such as fresh bagels and delicious cobb salads, it can
reduce terrorism intelligence-gathering gaffes by up to 40 percent in the first
year alone. According to Mueller, "Nothing reduces the potential for
screwing up like lowering people's expectations of you."
(Reported by Miles Walker, Kevin Wickart)
India, Pakistan Exchange Atomic Curry
LAS VEGAS (DPI) - What began as a conventional international buffet at the
MGM Grand Hotel escalated into a full nuclear-food exchange this week as
competing chefs representing the Indian and Pakistani food carts stopped
their diplomatic discussions about "better" cuisine and moved into an actual
battle of "hottest" cuisine. Even if the two chefs had fought a war with
their conventional foods, it would have had a profound effect on the
stomachs of hotel patrons from every nation. Now, in the aftermath of the
devastation, it is easy to see that this conflagration produced no winners,
and the cost to the hotel's plumbing system is almost immeasurable.
(Reported by Mark Schmidt)
Searchers Find JFK's Boat Littered With Shell Damage, Lingerie
SOLOMON ISLANDS (DPI) - Excited oceanographers confirmed finding John F.
Kennedy's historic WWII Navy boat PT-109 this week. "The boat was heavily
damaged by Japanese torpedoes, so at first we weren't sure," said expedition
leader Robert Ballard. "But when we found the empty liquor bottles and
women's black see-through teddies in the commander's quarters, we were sure
we'd found an important piece of the family history." The boat will be
faithfully restored and displayed in the Smithsonian, complete with
figurines of Lt. Kennedy and "some of the locals." For his next
venture, Ballard plans on searching Chappaquiddick Bay for the wreckage of
Ted Kennedy's car.
(Reported by Miles Walker)
MLB Steroid Use Up, Balls Seem Smaller
NEW YORK (DPI) - A recent survey of MLB players inspired by recent
confessions by former MVP Ken Caminiti finds that steroid use is indeed increasing
among players, who also report the added benefit of steroids making balls
appear smaller. "When I do the juice," says an anonymous AL power hitter,
"not only do I get bigger and stronger, but the balls seem to be shrinking."
Experts agree this may explain the recent dramatic increase in home run
hitting. "This could explain why players like Maguire, Sosa and Bonds can
break decades-old home run records," said one official. "The balls are so
(Reported by George MacMillan)
Shuttle Launch Delayed by Airport Security
CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. (DPI) - For the second day in a row, the space shuttle
Endeavour's launch on a mission to the international space station was
called off, this time when astronaut Peggy Whitson failed to show proper ID.
"I lost my wallet last week and haven't had time to wait at the DMV during
launch week," said Whitson. NASA spokesperson Carl Jacobs explained, "We are
upholding the strictest of standards as to who may fly on US aircraft. Miss
Whitson did not have proper ID so we couldn't let her board." The first
launch attempt was scrubbed Sunday when another astronaut tried to carry a
nail file through security.
(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz)
Ozzy Signs for Second Season, Can't Remember First Season
Man Blurts Out "Meat" After Sex in Psychological Word Association Test
Three-Headed Cyborg From Delta System Wins Miss Universe
Scientists Unable to Find Yakov Smirnoff in Lyrics to We Didn't Start the Fire
Mall Makeup Saleswomen: Too Much Makeup?
Report: FBI Knew Porn-Site Lesbians Weren't Real
Soccer Hooligans Overthrow South Korean Government
Ridge Unveils "Cower/Don't Cower" Signs in Metro Areas
Hungry Saudis Propose "Land for Pizza" Deal
*NSYNC's Bass to be Sent to Mir
White House Spokesman Fleischer Revealed to be Advanced Muppet
NRA's 1st Annual "We Want More Guns" Creativity Festival
New York Destroyed as Dry Cleaner Loses Spider-Man's Costume
NEW YORK (DPI) - New York City was reduced to ashes today after a madman
detonated a stolen nuclear bomb without intervention from Spider-Man.
"Normally I take my outfit to Henry's One-Hour Cleaning on 15th Street
because they're really reliable," said the embarrassed web-slinger, "but I
had a $2 off coupon for some new place on 7th Avenue." When he returned to
pick up the trademark costume, the cleaner had lost the outfit and instead
returned to him a black strapless Vera Wang evening gown. "I sure wish I
could have stopped the bomber," said the unmasked Peter Parker, "but even a
superhero has his limits on what he's going to wear to save the city."
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Shocker: Greenspan Enters Booger-Eaters Anonymous
WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan surprised the financial world
yesterday by joining the Booger-Eaters Anonymous rehabilitation program. "It's
something that's haunted me since I was in second grade," said Greenspan, "and
I felt it was time to deal with it once and for all." Shocked colleagues said
they knew there was a problem, but had no idea it was so bad. "I thought he had
things under control," volunteered investment banker Lawrence Vindicuff. "I'd see him
'sampling his nasal wares' every now and then, but I never got the impression that he was an addict."
(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)
Daily Probe Reporter About to Get His Ass Kicked
TORONTO (DPI) - Oh yeah? You think you're so fuckin' tough, huh? Any asshole
can go out and get a biker tattoo, you big pussy. Yeah, that's right,
Nancy-boy, I called you a pussy. You wanna do something about it? Huh? Well
then step outside, bitch! Let's go! What, are you chicken or something?
Cluck-cluck-cluck! Fuckin' biker boy thinks he can give me shit. I'll show him.
(Reported by Greg Preece)
Jason Alexander to Star in Reality Show "You Gonna Eat That?"
Canseco to Reveal David Wells Ass Steroid Use
Bob Hope Celebrates 99th With Thurmond, Nosferatu
Sharper Image Corners Lucrative 7-Foot Superman Statue Market
Dennis Franz Does a Commercial, the Fucking Whore
CBS: CSI, Survivor to Wed in Private Ceremony
Non-Clapping Infomercial Audience Member Found Dead
Condit, Traficant Join "Monsters of Political Venality" Tour
Nancy Drew Author Dies; Smugglers Questioned
Vatican Withdraws Communicants Gone Wild Video