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June 6, 2005

Today's News

Deep Throat Inundated With Queries About Watergate, Cock-Sucking

WASHINGTON (DPI) — W. Mark Felt, the 91-year-old former FBI official who recently revealed himself as the infamous Deep Throat who brought down President Nixon, now finds himself overwhelmed with questions about both Watergate and fellatio techniques. "I came forward and admitted that I was Deep Throat so that I could clear up one of the great mysteries of American history," groused Felt. "Instead, I'm fielding questions from every perv in the Western world about swallowing semen and tea-bagging." Felt expressed annoyance about being asked questions such as, "So when did you realize that Nixon was involved?" or "Did you ever fear for your life?" along with, "What's the biggest crank you've ever smoked?" and "How do you keep from gagging?"

(Reported by Gus Harris)

Major Media "Kinda Remembers" Runaway Bride

ATLANTA (DPI) — In late April, media coverage of Jennifer Wilbanks' alleged abduction was non-stop. Now that she has been sentenced to two years' probation for filing false police reports, Major Media is having trouble recalling her. "Wilbanks? Hmm, sounds familiar," mused Media until reminded of her nickname. "Oh, yeah — The Runaway Bride! That was a fun three days, but seriously, she was just a weekend thing." Media recalled suffering a dearth of compelling headlines at the time and looking for a kidnapping of a pretty, white tweener or teenage girl, preferably a blonde from the rural South or Midwest. With its deadline fast approaching, Media ultimately had to "grab what I could get, knowutImsayin'?" Upon seeing photos of Wilbanks taken during her trial, Major Media exclaimed, "Damn! Was her hair always like that?"

(Reported by Lars Eisenberg)

Pornography Domain Suffix Squatted By LegitimateBusinesses

LOS ANGELES (DPI) — The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (ICANN) recently approved a number of new domain registries, including .xxx for pornography. Predictably, a number of webmasters have begun registering good porn addresses for legitimate business purposes. One recently purchased domain,, will soon be a website specializing in helping consumers save money on hotel reservations. Numerous smut peddlers are complaining to ICANN about this practice, warning that people who may be innocently trying to find lesbian sex on the Internet will instead stumble upon sites with tips on how to kill ants.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)


Americans Shocked to Learn Deep Throat Is More of an Alto

Agent: "Christian (Slater) Is Happy He Can Still Get Arrested in This Town"

Gannon/Guckert Seeking Eager Woodward for Possible Deep Throat

Little League Dad Can't Believe His Third-Grade Son Is Such a Complete, Utter Fuck-Up

Jim Nabors' Voice to Be Kept Alive Cryogenically


Get Me The Hell Out of Florida!

A guest Probeatorial
by the Stanley Cup

Let me start out by congratulating the Tampa Bay Lightning for a great 2003-04 season. I am proud to represent the players, coaches and organization, and I serve my duty as their due trophy with pride. But the year is over — so get me the hell out of Florida!

Let's face facts here — I'm made out of silver. Living where it's sunny, hot and humid every goddamned day just isn't for me. Have you ever held a fistful of quarters in your hand for a few hours then taken a whiff of your palm? That's me, buddy – every friggin' day. If I had guts, I'd puke them out.

I never knew how unbearable this could get. I usually summer in Detroit or Colorado, and by October it's nice and cool. When I go on tour up there after Labor Day, the hands that touch the names engraved into my sides don't smear all that funky palm sweat into my crevices. Down in this godforsaken swamp-infested peninsula, hairy-backed, tank-top wearing, never-heard-of-Right-Guard sweatbags can molest me in January just like July. My handler gives me so many alcohol and disinfectant rubdowns here, I'm beginning to think of him in ways I never thought I could think of a man — and frankly that's starting to scare me.

Of all the years for the NHL to cancel a season, they pick the one where I'm trapped in Florida. Do *I* have to stay down here because *you* guys can't agree on a contract? I was under the impression that I represent excellence in hockey — that the best team in the world gets to carry me around each and every year. Since there was no NHL champion this year, why can't I be presented to the IIHF Hockey world champion instead? I would think the team that wins a worldwide competition featuring the best hockey players on Earth would fit the whole "best hockey team in the world" bill, eh?

I realize that would put me in the Czech Republic, but I could deal with that. The Czech Republic isn't infested with puck- sized flying cockroaches, and it has a real winter. And don't get me started on the "funny-Czech-name-engraving" bit ­ Nikolai Khabibulin won last year. His last name begins with a silent "K" — you can't much more fucked up than that.

(Transcribed by Lars Eisenberg)

Today's Daily Probe Special Feature

Ask Runaway Bride Jennifer Wilbanks

Dear Jennifer:

We just had our second child last week. The oldest, who is two, seems to be having trouble adjusting to the new baby. Any advice?

Betty N., Fayetteville, NC


Children at that age are truly a joy. There is little better than looking down at a baby in a crib, with those bright wondering eyes, and knowing the elation that comes from understanding that this infant is practically immobile and has yet to obtain the power of speech. Scaling from the baby's second-story window, backpack secured and bus ticket in hand, will not illicit yelps of, "Mommy where are you going?" With Dad sleeping in his La-Z-Boy downstairs, a clean getaway is almost assured. Your 2-year-old, on the other hand, is far trickier. If you come climbing down out of tree into your backyard and are spotted, the toddler may treat it as a game and come running out of the house to play with you. Fear not, at that age they may appear to have some speed, but their legs are little, tire easily, and a couple of sprints around the house will leave them in the dust far before you dive into your car on the way to the Greyhound station.


¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤

Dear Jennifer:

My husband doesn't cook but still expects me to have meals ready every day after I put in a long day at work. Any suggestions?

Lisa E., Kansas City, MO


Here's a recipe I think you'll find helpful. It requires a brick, scissors, glue, several magazines not from your home, and a bus ticket. Before your husband gets home, simply use the scissors and the magazine to cut letters out and fabricate a ransom note (be sure to wear gloves and take those magazines to the dump!) throw the brick through the window, and voilà, your meal problems are solved.


(Transcribed by Davejames)

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