Rumsfeld Taken Off-Line for Scheduled Maintenance
WASHINGTON (DPI) - In yet another sign that the Bush Administration
feels growing confidence in the nation's security, officials allowed
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to be taken off-line for regularly
scheduled maintenance. "With the kind of wear and tear we're putting on
Don, it's only prudent to periodically put him up on the rack, change
fluids, rotate ties, recalibrate scowls," said National Security Adviser
Condoleezza Rice. "Imagine how bad it would look if we needed him for
browbeating some 'ally' with a thinly veiled military threat and he
locked up in mid-squint."
(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri, graphic by Kevin Wickart)
New York Times Lowers Journalism Standards to "Yellow"
NEW YORK (DPI) - The New York Times today lowered its journalism
standards from orange to yellow, marking the first time in her
history the Gray Lady has been at such a low level. Normally
considered a red, the newspaper had already lowered its standards to
orange after an attack by extremist Jayson Blair, who repeatedly
bombed the journalistic credibility of the paper over several years. "Can't
somebody write a fact-based story around here?!?" said Times editor Eli Meyerson. The rival
New York Post hasn't commented officially on the color change, but
has been spotted around town looking awfully smug.
(Reported by Jim Rosenberg and Tristan Fabriani)
Asshole Musician Refuses to Play His Greatest Hit
ATLANTA (DPI) - Last night's concert descended into bedlam after the
artist refused to play his one hit song. While the song is now a little
dated, it appears to be the main reason most people attended the concert.
"I only cheered for the two encores because I thought he must be saving
the song for the end," said one fan. "Maybe to make sure we didn't leave
early. His music [has] sucked ever since he visited Nepal or wherever
that was." As the crowd chanted for the desired song the artist
responded with more music that attendees described as "new age" and
(Reported by Mark Schmidt)
On Fox this Fall: Have Sex and Get Torn Apart By Dogs
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Fox spokesman Barney Pete introduced the television network's new
reality show, Have Sex On TV Then Get Torn Apart By Wild Dogs, at an
affiliate meeting this week. "Why go through the phony set-ups and
stage-managed situations of narrowing down catty bachelorettes or
talentless singers? People want to watch other people getting screwed," said Pete.
The show's premise is simple, according to the spokesman. "First they screw on TV, then
they get screwed by the vicious dogs that rip their bodies to shreds
until they die," he said. "Clean and simple. Our test audiences loved it." The
show will air after Bill O'Reilly's Celebrity Colonoscopy.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
U.S. Admits War Was Mistake, Returns Iraq to Saddam
BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - After finding no weapons of mass destruction here,
American officials have now admitted they made a mistake and will
restore the country to its pre-war status. "All I can say is: Sorry, we
really, really thought they had illegal weapons," said Secretary of
State Colin Powell. "We really did." The new priority for U.S.
troops will be to find Saddam Hussein so he can take his rightful place
in his palaces, replace all the broken statues of his likeness, and help
him quash the various forms of free expression now present around Iraq.
Saddam's son Uday also is insisting that British soldiers help him
restore his usual supply of teenage virgins.
(Reported by Mark Schmidt)
FBI Now Y2K-Compliant
X-Rays Reveal Sosa's Head Also Corked
Raelians Announce Successful Delivery of New Boy Band
Disgruntled Employee Reveals Victoria's Secret
"No Man an Island" Disproven in Bathtub
Man Caught Drinking Fizzy Girly Drink out of Stein
SEC Sets Sights on Oprah
Jeb Bush Prepares '08 Campaign, '09 Cuba Invasion
I Want My Supper
Dad Disappointed With Homemade Father's Day Card
Man Unsure How Much Longer He Can Avoid Home-Brewing
Freak Boat/Train/Car Pileup Blamed on Green Eggs, Ham
SAN BERNARDINO, Calif. (DPI) - A multiple-vehicle accident that sank a boat
and sent a car and train plunging into the ocean has been blamed on the
car's inattentive driver. The accident injured several serene occupants of
the train, the boat's smiling captain, a mouse, fox, goat and a delirious
and incoherent furry man whose name is not being released. The driver,
identified as 43-year-old Sam Iam, is being held under charges of reckless
endangerment and possession of controlled substances.
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
(Graphic by Tristan Fabriani)
Motorists Who Don't Like Way Boston Man Drives Warned to Stay Off
BOSTON (DPI) - The U.S. Department of Transportation today urged Boston-area
motorists to heed the bumper sticker displayed by 49-year-old Barton Johnson
and avoid the sidewalk. "Those pedestrians who hold disapproval for Mr.
Johnson's style of driving are especially warned," said Secretary of Transportation Norman Mineta. The DOT has previously issued specific warnings
based on Johnson's bumper displays, including a 2001 notice reminding
citizens that their driving would improve if their cell phones were jammed
up their asses.
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
Guy Does Stuff
POUGHKEEPSIE, N.Y. (DPI) - You see that guy over there? He did that
thing, you know, with that stuff, and the other thing. He didn't do
it yesterday but he sure did it today. He may not do it tomorrow
though. The Guinness people say its not a record but it's pretty
close. It was fun to watch. It made me want to do stuff, too.
(Reported by Stuart Johnson)