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June 10, 2003

Rumsfeld Taken Off-Line for Scheduled Maintenance

WASHINGTON (DPI) - In yet another sign that the Bush Administration feels growing confidence in the nation's security, officials allowed Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to be taken off-line for regularly scheduled maintenance. "With the kind of wear and tear we're putting on Don, it's only prudent to periodically put him up on the rack, change fluids, rotate ties, recalibrate scowls," said National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice. "Imagine how bad it would look if we needed him for browbeating some 'ally' with a thinly veiled military threat and he locked up in mid-squint."

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri, graphic by Kevin Wickart)

New York Times Lowers Journalism Standards to "Yellow"

NEW YORK (DPI) - The New York Times today lowered its journalism standards from orange to yellow, marking the first time in her history the Gray Lady has been at such a low level. Normally considered a red, the newspaper had already lowered its standards to orange after an attack by extremist Jayson Blair, who repeatedly bombed the journalistic credibility of the paper over several years. "Can't somebody write a fact-based story around here?!?" said Times editor Eli Meyerson. The rival New York Post hasn't commented officially on the color change, but has been spotted around town looking awfully smug.

(Reported by Jim Rosenberg and Tristan Fabriani)

Asshole Musician Refuses to Play His Greatest Hit

ATLANTA (DPI) - Last night's concert descended into bedlam after the artist refused to play his one hit song. While the song is now a little dated, it appears to be the main reason most people attended the concert. "I only cheered for the two encores because I thought he must be saving the song for the end," said one fan. "Maybe to make sure we didn't leave early. His music [has] sucked ever since he visited Nepal or wherever that was." As the crowd chanted for the desired song the artist responded with more music that attendees described as "new age" and "utter shit."

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

On Fox this Fall: Have Sex and Get Torn Apart By Dogs

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Fox spokesman Barney Pete introduced the television network's new reality show, Have Sex On TV Then Get Torn Apart By Wild Dogs, at an affiliate meeting this week. "Why go through the phony set-ups and stage-managed situations of narrowing down catty bachelorettes or talentless singers? People want to watch other people getting screwed," said Pete. The show's premise is simple, according to the spokesman. "First they screw on TV, then they get screwed by the vicious dogs that rip their bodies to shreds until they die," he said. "Clean and simple. Our test audiences loved it." The show will air after Bill O'Reilly's Celebrity Colonoscopy.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

U.S. Admits War Was Mistake, Returns Iraq to Saddam

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - After finding no weapons of mass destruction here, American officials have now admitted they made a mistake and will restore the country to its pre-war status. "All I can say is: Sorry, we really, really thought they had illegal weapons," said Secretary of State Colin Powell. "We really did." The new priority for U.S. troops will be to find Saddam Hussein so he can take his rightful place in his palaces, replace all the broken statues of his likeness, and help him quash the various forms of free expression now present around Iraq. Saddam's son Uday also is insisting that British soldiers help him restore his usual supply of teenage virgins.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

FBI Now Y2K-Compliant

X-Rays Reveal Sosa's Head Also Corked

Raelians Announce Successful Delivery of New Boy Band

Disgruntled Employee Reveals Victoria's Secret

"No Man an Island" Disproven in Bathtub

Man Caught Drinking Fizzy Girly Drink out of Stein

SEC Sets Sights on Oprah

Jeb Bush Prepares '08 Campaign, '09 Cuba Invasion

More headlines

I Want My Supper

Dad Disappointed With Homemade Father's Day Card

Man Unsure How Much Longer He Can Avoid Home-Brewing Friend

Freak Boat/Train/Car Pileup Blamed on Green Eggs, Ham

SAN BERNARDINO, Calif. (DPI) - A multiple-vehicle accident that sank a boat and sent a car and train plunging into the ocean has been blamed on the car's inattentive driver. The accident injured several serene occupants of the train, the boat's smiling captain, a mouse, fox, goat and a delirious and incoherent furry man whose name is not being released. The driver, identified as 43-year-old Sam Iam, is being held under charges of reckless endangerment and possession of controlled substances.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)


(Graphic by Tristan Fabriani)

Motorists Who Don't Like Way Boston Man Drives Warned to Stay Off Sidewalk

BOSTON (DPI) - The U.S. Department of Transportation today urged Boston-area motorists to heed the bumper sticker displayed by 49-year-old Barton Johnson and avoid the sidewalk. "Those pedestrians who hold disapproval for Mr. Johnson's style of driving are especially warned," said Secretary of Transportation Norman Mineta. The DOT has previously issued specific warnings based on Johnson's bumper displays, including a 2001 notice reminding citizens that their driving would improve if their cell phones were jammed up their asses.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Guy Does Stuff

POUGHKEEPSIE, N.Y. (DPI) - You see that guy over there? He did that thing, you know, with that stuff, and the other thing. He didn't do it yesterday but he sure did it today. He may not do it tomorrow though. The Guinness people say its not a record but it's pretty close. It was fun to watch. It made me want to do stuff, too.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

William "Refrigerator" Perry Weds Tanya "Vibrator" Jennings

Economy Enters 3rd Year of Nearly Recovering

List of Country Music's 100 Best Songs Mysteriously Stops at 27

U.S. Detains Head of Amnesty International

Norah Jones Still Bragging

Escaped Zoo Animals Delight, Kill Spectators

Dalaiwood Meditation Theme Park Opens to Mixed Reviews

Spring Fashions Reveal Acres of Pasty Flesh

Mary Hailed

The Daily Probe is updated every Tuesday
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