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June 13, 2005

Today's News

DEA Agents Search Rehnquist's Body Cavities for Medicinal Doobies

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Following Monday's Supreme Court ruling allowing federal authorities to prosecute sick people who use marijuana to ease their pain, drug-sniffing dogs today descended on Chief Justice William Rehnquist's chambers and anus. "He's reeked of grass ever since he was diagnosed with thyroid cancer last year," said Justice John Paul Stevens. "There's little doubt he's now got the good dank stashed under his robes, if you know what I mean." Rehnquist has argued that medicinal marijuana is a matter for the states and has been known to make frequent trips to San Francisco, where, he has said, "a man can spark a leaf in peace." DEA officials haven't yet revealed whether they plan to files charges against Rehnquist, saying only that they seized a suspicious set of bongo drums and a henna tattooing kit from his courthouse chambers.

(Reported by Dallas Davidson)

Déjà Vu on the Increase Again

ITHACA, N.Y. (DPI) - Researchers at Cornell University have discovered that reports of déjà vu, the feeling of already having experienced the present, are on the rise. Doctors have long known the correlation between stress and déjà vu frequency. "It would appear that today's uncertainties -- the economy, the war, a highly-contentious Congress, celebrity trials -- have all contributed greatly to feelings of having relived this before," said lead researcher Jerome Abernathy.

(Reported by Ron Bottomly)

Jackson Taps Cardinal Bernard Law to Head Transition Team

SANTA MARIA, Calif. (DPI) Even as his jury deliberates his fate, child-molestation defendant Michael Jackson has hired former Cardinal Bernard Law, former archbishop of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Boston, to spearhead his post-trial transition team. Trial watchers agree that Jackson's selection of Law, a noted expert in transplanting serial pedophiles into unsuspecting communities, signals that the defense is expecting acquittal. Having resigned from the Boston archdiocese in 2002 amid allegations that he systematically relocated pedophile priests, Law is well-qualified to help Jackson slip undetected into a faraway day-care center or children's hospital. "Pedophiles who've had a brush with the law know that there's no one better than Bernie Law to help them get back to the business of molesting kids," said lead Jackson attorney Thomas Mesereau Jr.

(Reported by Dallas Davidson)


Nation's Glaucoma Rate Drops by 40 Percent After Supreme Court Medical Marijuana Ruling

Clinton Not Exhausted, Says Asian Hooker

Senior Class Trip Changed From Aruba to Eisenhower Library

Dustin Hoffman Seduced by Corpse

Oh My God! Dude! Behind You!

Ha Ha! Made You Look!


Only Movie Stars Can Save Us

A guest Probeatorial
by Liana Emmonds

I love movie stars. It's almost like I can't express it in words, I love them so much. Tonight's news better have a story and pictures about movie stars dating movie stars, or the dream combination: One movie star MARRYING another movie star! Oh, but I shouldn't get myself too excited. I hate it when some world event or death keeps them from showing the movie star news. Sometimes I wonder how anything bad can happen when all the movie stars are so against bad things happening. Then I think of how many horrible things would happen if they weren't here with us, keeping us safer and looking so beautiful! They are so beautiful, and handsome, and so full of love. Why don't we let the movie stars run the world? They wear such great clothes, and they buy such big homes! Plus they care so much. Every time some movie stars give an award to another movie star they always talk about how they love their family and how bad violence and pollution are for us all. Even then I hear people talking about television stars or singers, about how great they might be. But they aren't great now, because they aren't movie stars! Singers don't care about the environment, and television stars aren't against war! That's why movie stars should never marry television stars. Other times people say sports stars are so important, but they are only important because they can DO something, not because everyone loves them! Movie stars are so pretty, and they are so big on the movie screen, and they are ALWAYS on magazine covers. Why don't we all do what they say? What a glamorous world it would be!

(Transcribed by Mark Schmidt)

Today's Daily Probe Special Feature

The Daily Probe Poll

This week's poll examines American and Arab views about hostility towards America and the continued Iraqi insurgency.

Both Americans and Arabs were asked when they expected the Iraqi insurgency to end.

1-2 years. - 21 %
3-5 years. - 35 %
January 20, 2009. - 43 %

Americans and Arabs were also both asked what the likely outcome of American involvement in Iraq will be.

Civil war and chaos. - 44 %
A stable Iraqi democracy. - 29 %
Bad country & western songs. - 18 %

Arabs with hostile views toward America were asked why they hated America.

American support for corrupt dictators in Egypt and Saudi Arabia. - 37 %
American bombs killed my mother. - 25 %
Angelina Jolie. - 31 %

Americans were asked whether they believed Arabs had good reason to be hostile towards America.

Yes, because of all the death, destruction and detentions we've inflicted on them. - 29 %
No, because we're bringing them democracy. - 17 %
Yes, but only those Arabs on whose Korans we urinated. - 35 %

(Compiled by Simon Paul)

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