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June 17, 2003

Man Attacked by Shower Curtain

PHILADELPHIA (DPI) - A local man survived an assault by his shower curtain Friday night. "For some reason, my water pressure was exceptionally powerful that night," said Jim Haskins, 39. "When I turned on the water, the shower curtain started whipping around like it was possessed. Eventually it managed to wrap itself around my neck and was strangling me. Fortunately my wife was able to hear my muffled screams and beat the curtain until it let loose." The shower curtain is being held without bail on charges of attempted murder.

(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz)

Hillary Signs Books, Melts Protesters With Eye Beam Death Ray

(Graphic by Kevin Wickart)

Bush Admits Not Being Elected in '00, Claims Eligibility for '08

WASHINGTON (DPI) - In a surprising reversal, George W. Bush admitted that he was not, in fact, elected president in the 2000 election, and claims therefore that there is no constitutional bar to his running for a third term in 2008. "According to the 22nd Amendment, 'No person shall be elected to the office of the president more than twice,'" Bush explained. "It doesn't say anything about being judicially installed once and then elected two more times." With Bush's popularity still high, despite Iraqi war doubts and a shaky economy, Democrats were quick to defend Bush's 2000 election victory. "Oh no," said Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y. "Bush was most definitely elected in 2000. Fair and square."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Demi Moore's Breasts Still Slowly Sagging

HOLLYWOOD (DPI) Despite spending an estimated $400,000 on cosmetic procedures in 2002, Demi Moore's breasts continue to sag at an incremental rate. "Regrettably, we've recorded a 2-millimeter drop over last year," said consultant Furio Gargas, who was lead engineer on the Tower of Pisa stabilization project. He now heads up Moore's maintenance team. "It doesn't sound like a lot, but what people don't realize is that if not checked, the process actually speeds up." The team's greatest fear is that Moore's breasts will reach a point of no return. "Anna Nicole spent one afternoon in the back yard without a bra and she's still scrubbing grass stains off her nipples. Very sad," said Gargas.

(Reported by Brad Osberg)


Umpires Discover Cork in Sonia Sosa's Dildo

CHICAGO (DPI) - A crew of Major League Baseball umpires yesterday made the uncomfortable discovery that Sonia Sosa, wife of all-star Chicago Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa, has been using a corked marital aid during games. When yesterday's game ended early, umpires were shocked to find Mrs. Sosa in their locker room, rounding third and headed for home with the illegally modified tool. Mrs. Sosa admitted that she added the cork to an otherwise legal 7-inch silicone "Louisville Lover," but said she was forced to do so because years of steroid abuse have left her husband with severely shriveled genitalia. "My Louie been berry, berry good to me," she said.

(Reported by Miles Walker and Tristan Fabriani)

Gopher Cuddling Down 27%

13 Suicide Bombers Dead in Innocent Bystander Explosion

Anna Nicole Smith Bedridden With "Codger Pox"

Waterfowl's Annual Migration Ends on Grill of '89 Chevy Blazer

Raelians to Join Scientologists in Gullibalooza '03

White House: Big Ol' Drum of "Sumpn-Sumpn" Found in Iraq

Peck, Brinkley Dead in Gay Suicide Pact

Rumsfeld Recommends "Mortal Kombat" Character to Joint Chiefs of Staff

Fighting Erupts Over Proper Way to Fold Road Map

Steinbrenner Fires 3,000th

More headlines

This Is Gonna Hurt Like Hell

David Lee Roth Wants Road Map to Peace

National Oil Slick Week a "Disaster"

Rumsfeld, Powell Address Rift

Man Abandons Goal of Destroying Urinal Cake With His Piss

LITTLE RIDGE, Kan. (DPI) - Truck driver Walter "Sonny" Jenkins has given up on his lifelong dream of annihilating a urinal cake using only a concentrated stream of his own urine. "It's tough to let go," he said. "Ever since I was a kid I've been trying to achieve this. But now, I accept that it just can't be done. It's just a dream down the drain, like piss swirling through galvanized pipe." Refusing to be beaten, however, Jenkins has chosen a new toilet-based goal. "Now, I'm trying to pinch out a humongous horse-sized crap, like one I saw in a toilet at a Topeka speedway once."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

New Season of The Osbournes Promises OD, Stabbing

NEW YORK (DPI) - MTV Network, announcing the renewal of its hit reality series "The Osbournes," has promised viewers "at least one overdose, several vomit scenes, animal feces, condoms, drunkenness, and ass," according to a press release. Popular for its frank portrayal of the former heavy metal rocker's family life, one critic has described the show as "a breeding ground for homicidal tendencies, domestic abuse and general depravity." In its statement, the network said, "Depravity won't even begin to describe next season, in which Kelly invents an entirely new catalogue of profanity, Jack fills his bong with gasoline-soaked Poly-Fil, and Ozzy goes in for an on-screen prostate exam."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Animals Spare Mankind in Narrow Vote

SECRET ANIMAL ISLAND (DPI) - Mankind can rest easy today as the Council of Sentient Animals voted to postpone man's destruction. Despite palace officials' efforts with cries of "Bipeds of Evil" and "they eat us for dinner," the Animal Kingdom never connected with the issue. "The Animal public has a notoriously short attention span," said veteran bird news analyst Pretty Pink Lady. "The palace administration can spend hours whipping up a crowd with a convincing argument for war, but if a single colorful butterfly floats overhead, they're back to square one".

(Reported by Davejames)

Jerry Lewis Bursts; 12 Injured

Scientist Bruce Banner Patents Self-Mending Pants

Life in Food Chain Terrifying, Brief, Claims Sardine

Infant Gives Dad Festive, Orange Poop on First Father's Day

Bush Declares Segway "Weapon of Mass Transportation"

Clueless Rate at 10-Year High

Epidemiologist: Monkey Pox Not Related to Gerbil Pox

Newest Miller Lite Catfight Ad Pits Piazza, Cruise

Wal-Mart Loses DOD Film Proving Existence Of WMD

Tandy Sends Post-Hume-ous Greeting

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