Concert's Coolness Inversely Proportional to Number of "Special" Attendees
LOS ANGELES (DPI) — In a major breakthrough for live
music and special ed, UCLA researchers have proven what
concertgoers have long suspected: The lamer the band at an
outdoor festival, the higher the percentage of drooling group
home residents in attendance. "We found that audiences at
Wilco and Modest Mouse shows consisted almost entirely of
overly hip but high-functioning individuals. But concerts
given by golden oldie cover bands and runners-up from the
2003 season of American Idol consisted largely of Special
Olympians." Landry insists that the study's findings will be
invaluable to indie music snobs. "If a hipster sees a shitload of
handi-accessible short buses parked at a concert venue, they'll
know to get the hell out of there before they're caught on film
by the local TV news."
(Reported by Gus Harris)
Felonious Derelicts Waiting for Weather to Break Before Horrifying Nation
INDIANAPOLIS (DPI) — The recent wave of oppressive heat
and humidity has taken a toll on the local psychotic miscreant
community. "After an eight-hour shift of groundskeeping in
this heat, I just don't have the energy to assault and mount anything other
than a six-pack and my couch," said local granny rapist Jimmy T. A disgruntled factory
worker revealed via an anonymous letter that his heavily armed murderous rampage
in response to an unrequited office romance has been delayed
due to the unseasonably warm weather. His guns are black and
metal, so leaving them to rest in the back of his pickup in the
sun until the time is right would make his "instruments of
justice" too hot to touch, even through his fingerprint-
obscuring work gloves.
(Reported by Carl Knorr)
Awkward Silence Ended by Awkward Conversation
DENVER, Colo. (DPI) — Jerry Hall was reportedly "freaked out" by
the comments of longtime friend Billy Westington while the
pair was driving to a local bar Sunday evening. They had at
first chatted about the imminent release of "Grand Theft Auto:
San Andreas" for the PC, but a lull in the conversation rapidly
devolved into an awkward silence. After several minutes of
uncomfortable quiet, Westington blurted out, "Yeah, so, your
sister's pretty hot." He paused briefly to examine the disgusted
look on Hall's face before saying, "What? I know she's still in
high school, but she was wearing that little tank top when I
came over the other day. Damn, she looked good." Hall turned
his head back to the road and was relieved several minutes later
when they arrived at their destination and began drinking heavily.
(Reported by Scott Haworth)
Serial Child Molester Had More Sex Per Week Than I Have Per Decade
Cruise Exes: Run, Katie, It's a Trap!
Emboldened Scientologists Challenge Kabbalists to Celebrity Grudge Match
Bush Remains Popular Among Immediate Family Members
Rain Forest Leveled to Construct Rain Forest Café
Schwarzenegger Dismisses California Earthquakes as "Girly"
Teddy Ruxpin to Return to Stores in September: Why, God, Why?!
NEW YORK (DPI) — The nether realms of Hell have spewed forth another tool of
infant conscription into Satan's Army — a horror that those
who survived the 1980s remember with a shudder and nervous
tic: Teddy Ruxpin.
"Ruxpin, which debuted as a Worlds of Wonder toy in 1985, is due to relaunch
in September, most notably in 2,000 Target stores," said Adweek.com's
Deanna Zammit. "MP3 cartridges have replaced his original cassette tapes,
but Teddy Ruxpin's animatronic eyes and mouth will move in trademark
fashion as he narrates a series of stories about the land of Grundo."
Those eyes! Those hypnotic, entrancing, soul-defilingly evil
eyes will once again be unleashed on a generation of innocents
as Ruxpinophiles return to regale unsuspecting youths with
delightfully spun tales of Grundo, a land now known to be on the
far side of the fetid waters of the Styx — the Fifth Circle of Hell.
The advertising campaign for this Second Unholy Coming of
Teddy will be geared toward the weakest-willed and least suspicious
— grandparents and children. The children's pleas will be
deafening, and the grandparents' unwitting compliance with
The Dark One's marching orders shall be absolute. The only
hope — for your family, for your children's souls, for the
existence of humanity as anything other than an eternally
damned slave race of demonic drones — is to secure Teddy
Ruxpin in a soundproof tomb throughout the night in order to
dampen his subconscious summoning of your very flesh and
blood unto the calling of The King of All Lies.
God has truly forsaken us. Humanity now stands alone in her
unending war with El Diablo.
(Reported by Carl Knorr)
Today's Daily Probe Special Feature
Musing With Mitch
by Mitchell Kobriger
I think North and South Carolina should put aside their differences and become Carolina again.
When choosing a highlighter, I pick yellow every time. Can't say why, though.
Does anybody still sell buggy whips? I sure could use one.
Hey scientists: Now that you've mastered seedless watermelons, can someone get to work on seedless strawberries?
I like calendars. They remind me what day it is.
Let's just get this out in the open. I have no plans to see the new Star Wars movie. I don't like my carrots touching my mashed potatoes, so why the hell would I put up with my science touching my fiction?
Idea! Someone will make a gazillion bucks if they market some small closet hooks that will hold those nub-ended "theft-proof" hangers from hotel rooms.
Pound for pound, Zachary Taylor was our greatest president.
There are two things I have on my person at all times: a toenail clipper in my pocket and a song in my heart.
If it weren't for his outstanding hair, I'd be compelled to write off Russell Crowe as a complete jerk.
I don't know what a hemi is, but I'll bet my Yugo doesn't have one.
My favorite peanuts? Dry roast, honey-glazed and Linus. But not necessarily in that order.
Not to bring anyone down, but the statistics suggest we are long overdue to lose another Beatle.
Hey, mailman! Where's my Victoria's Secret catalogue, in the post office bathroom?
The world would be a lot more interesting if wing-tips actually bestowed the power of flight on the wearer.