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June 24, 2003

Police: Hulk "Smashed"

LOS ALAMOS, N.M. (DPI) - The Incredible Hulk was arrested over the weekend and charged with driving while intoxicated. After being pulled over by a a Highway Patrol officer for driving erratically, Hulk allegedly admitted to the officer, "Hulk smashed!" Hulk's attorney plans to fight the charge, claiming that he was merely driving while angry and the officer didn't like Hulk's driving when he's angry.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Military Forces in Iraq Nab Comical Ali

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - U.S. military forces in Baghdad have added yet another trophy to their mantle, this time catching one of the highest- ranking leaders, Comical Ali. The joker in the U.S. deck of Iraqi leader playing cards, Ali was nabbed while doing his "Q Morning Zoo" radio program at Baghdad radio station KIRQ. Ali, whose real name is Ali Hamid Mahmud, said he was surprised by the raid on his station, at first thinking it was just another "bit" of radio shtick. "At first, we thought Howie al-Tikriti, our sports guy, was behind it. He's always up to something," said station manager Freddie Abid Samir. "Especially the part about the lengthy vacation in Cuba."

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)

Mass Krispy Kreme Grave Found in Pavarotti's Gaping Maw

(Graphic by Wickart/White)

Scientist Discovers Evidence of Personality in Cat

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. (DPI) - Despite complete agreement among animal psychologists that cats have, in one expert's words, "only slightly more personality than dirt," Lynn Schrodinger of the University of California at Davis' veterinary department today issued a contradictory report based on her own studies. "Little Snowball isn't like other kitties, are you, snoogums?" she said in the report. "No you're not, no, no! You're such a smart little kitty-poo!" Other members of her team disagreed. "All objective evidence indicates Felix Domesticus is nothing more than a fur-shedding parasite," said one colleague who spoke on condition of anonymity. In an interview, however, Schrodinger defended her findings. "Mean people don't understand us, do they, sweetie-puss?" she said. "No, they don't."

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)

Bush, Richest 1%, Supermodels Abandon Earth

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Shouting, "So long, suckers," as he waved goodbye, President Bush left earth yesterday in a spaceship populated by the richest 1 percent of Americans and hundreds of purring, leggy supermodels. He left behind a video warning that an asteroid was hurtling toward the planet and is expected to make impact in early winter, instantly and irrevocably destroying all life. In the video, Bush explained this was the driving force behind his tax breaks for the wealthy. Pooling the money from years of windfalls, loopholes, and giveaways, the rich constructed a fabulous spaceship home to escape sure death. Bush urged people to have faith and promised to pray for them as soon as he got up off the Olsen twins.

(Reported by Jim Rosenberg)

McDonald's Introduces Zoloft-Rich McZLT

CHICAGO (DPI) - Fighting for its financial life, embattled McDonald's today introduced its new McZLT Adult Happy Meal, featuring the first quarter- pound hamburger laced with Zoloft. Revisiting the fast-food chain's highly successful campaign of the 1970s, the ads will feature the jingle, "You don't deserve this misery, self-medicate like a zombie ... at McDonald's."

(Reported by Jim Rosenberg)

Man Discovers Refined Heating Oil In Yard

BANGOR, Maine (DPI) - Adam Shafter, 35, discovered a previously unknown source of petroleum while digging a trench in his yard for water pipes. What makes his strike amazing, said Shafter, is its eery similarity to common heating oil, which allows the driller to completely skip the expensive refining process. After pumping more than 50 gallons, he approached British Petroleum, which reportedly offered more than $3.2 million for the man's half-acre yard. Several companies are now making offers on other lots in the 43-house neighborhood.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

Bush Tumbles From Segway, Segue

Military to Export WMD to Iraq for Later Discovery

New Hardy Boys Novel Sells Dozens Nationwide

No Takers Yet for "Gas, Grass or Ass" Ride Offer

Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean Movie to Feature 1-hour Standing in Line Prequel

Study: U.S. Leads in Toothbrush Technology, Tooth Decay

New Campbell's Soup Comes Already Mixed With Tabasco, Celery Salt

Invite to Captain's Table Assured Following Julie's Second Orgasm

Phoenix Bishop Ends 2-State Bank Robbery Spree

Stuntmen Divided on Carrot Top's Use of Eyeliner in Ad

More headlines

Hey, Where's MY Fucking Movie Deal?

Sherpa Climbs Everest For 50th Fucking Time

Yard Sale Books Reveal Much About Couple's Personal Problems

Modesto Blondes Think Scott Peterson Guilty

MODESTO, Calif. (DPI) - Long-time resident Betty Johnson, 26-year-old blonde, has concluded that Scott Peterson is guilty of killing his wife, Laci, and their unborn child. Johnson's opinion is shared by her friends, Jenny Carlisle, Vanessa Bloom, Amanda Hanes, and Bobbi White, all also blonde. "Oh, he's definitely guilty," said Carlisle, 27, wearing a pink sundress. Bloom nodded her agreement, then shook her hair into place. "Oh yes, guilty," she said. "Definitely." Also concurring were Hanes, who said, "Yep, guilty," and White, saying, "I think so, too." The five blonde friends frequently discuss the Peterson case at the Modesto Smoothie King and find their sentiments echoed by just about everyone, even brunettes.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Nextel Deemed More Dangerous Than Winston Cigarettes

CHARLOTTE, N.C. (DPI) - With Nextel taking over the NASCAR sponsorship from Winston after 32 years, the number of accidents during races is expected to increase. "Every one of us is used to smoking while racing," said driver Sterlin Marlin. "But using these stupid cell phones, there's bound to be more accidents, just like in regular street driving." Drivers were also concerned that pit strategy will change as drivers try to find areas where their phones won't cut out.

(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz)


Wheel Improved With New Shape

DETROIT (DPI) - Engineers at Ford Motor Company have made a breakthrough that could mark the first change to the shape of the wheel in millennia. Working with high-tech wind-tunnel and road-resistance simulations, a team led by Ethbert Franz has been shining new light on the "round wheel" assumption originally designed for horse carts around 4,000 BC. "We tried a number of regular and irregular polygons, testing each intensely for pointiness, fuel efficiency and what we call 'clunkability,'" said Franz. While Ford is being secretive about the actual shape chosen before the 2004 Detroit Auto Show, industry insiders are speculating that it's an isosceles triangle.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Marathoner Probably Shouldn't Have Eaten That Hamhock

Pope Denies Atkins Dieters' Request for Bacon Communion Wafers

U.S. Endorses New Iraqi Government Consisting of White American Oilmen

DMV Protester Extinguished After 2 Hours on Fire

Sleep-Deprived New Parents Kinda Digging Hallucinations

Sharon, Abbas Agree to LazerTag Mediation

Computer Not for Shit

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