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Hey, Where's MY Fucking Movie Deal?

A guest Probeatorial by

Hey, what the hell's going on?

I spend a couple of weeks off the planet, fighting the Skrulls to help keep humankind safe for another few hours, and what's this happy horseshit I see when I come back? I mean, I wasn't expecting a parade or anything, but all up and down 5th Avenue I'm seeing these movie posters for a Hulk movie. So, I immediately rub my eyes and go "Whaaaaa?" thinking I must be hallucinating or something, but no, sure enough there it is, big as life. The Hulk!

The Hulk has a movie deal? Where the fuck is MY movie deal? I mean, guys, come on. I don't want to tell you Hollywood types how to do your job or anything, but why the hell would you give that big, green lunkhead a movie deal and not me?? That's just retarded.

Fine, granted, superhero movies are big right now, but I really think you're missing the boat here. What was everybody's favorite part of the Spider-Man movie? That's right -- Mary Jane's hot little headlights popping out in the rain (I know Mary Jane too, and trust me, hers are even nicer than Kirsten Dunst's) Nobody liked Daredevil because that flouncy Ben Affleck was prancing around in skin-tight red leather. It was Jennifer Garner in HER skin-tight leather! So, following this to its logical conclusion, what do YOU think people want to see more: Hulk's CGI-generated pecs, or these big, green, all-natural beauties right here?

(Okay, okay, maybe being enhanced by gamma rays means the twins aren't exactly natural, but you know what I mean.)

Think about it ... the movie opens on a lab ... some skinny, bony chick (I'm thinking Calista Flockhart or that Lara Flynn Boyle bitch) is sitting at a computer, working away. She picks up a sandwich (for the first time in her goddamn life) but look out! That sandwich was bombarded by gamma rays (that's the risk you take buying a sandwich off the coffee truck). BOOM! All of a sudden she's transformed from bony, anorexic bimbo to the hot, emerald piece of ass you see before you!

Trust me boys. "If you put THESE Jolly Green Giants on a movie poster, you're selling tickets!

But no ... for some reason, you've elected to produce a movie about a homely, "special"-looking giant. Trust me, this guy's no hero. Face facts gang. If it wasn't for those gigantic muscles on him, Hulk would be a prime candidate for some serious special ed. Here's a joke for you: What do you get when you cross Corky from Life Goes On with 'roid rage? I think you know the answer.

Meanwhile, think about it. I'm bouncing around the screen with this rock-hard body of mine. Hell, if you want, throw a couple of poles in the lab that I could slide down! I'm busting the asses of bad guys, snapping their necks between my thighs, killing them with a smile on their face! What's more entertaining?? Throw in Lucy Lawless as a villain, and I guaran-fucking-tee you every male from 12 on up will be in the theater, buying the DVD, snapping up merchandising crap. Are you assholes BLIND or something? You really think that big, moronic tool screaming "HULK SMASH!" is more of a draw than yours truly taking on Xena?

Sorry, sorry. I'm just a little cranky right now. My "Aunt Jade" is visiting, if you know what I mean.

Set it up, boys. My agent's waiting for your call.

(Transcribed by Greg Preece and Steven Shehori)

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