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June 25, 2002

US Fans Mildly Irritated After World Cup Loss

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - On the heels of its recent elimination by Germany from World Cup competition, Team USA's plane was greeted by flaccid belligerence from fans at LAX. Five or six fans with nothing better to do greeted the team with tersely worded signs and lukewarm jeers. "We're somewhat concerned here," said one fan, wagging a finger in consternation. "You got beat by, uh, France, right?" One slightly miffed banner proclaimed, "You guys lost." The sluggishly unruly crowd murmured some lackluster insults, threw some gum wrappers, and then went home, still a little disgusted, to watch baseball.

(Reported by Chris Urich)


Hamas Admits It's Too "Bomb-ey"

JERUSALEM (DPI) - In a surprising statement, the terrorist group Hamas admitted that "perhaps" suicide bombings are being too casually used when a Palestinian teen tried to blow up his parents for not being allowed to stay up to watch Jay Leno. A Hamas spokesman noted that suicide bombing has become a catch-all for every petty demand, and possibly should be scaled back. "Department stores are the worst," the spokesman said. "Everyone's on the floor with a cord in their hand negotiating for a new toy, home appliance, or golf clubs. I don't even want to think about when the Ramadan shopping season starts."

(Reported by Davejames)

Community Hopes New Casino Will Boost Stagnant Organized Crime Industry

JERSEY CITY, N.J. (DPI) - As Jersey City struggles to work its way out of economic slowdown, citizens are overwhelmingly supporting the new "Lady Luck" casino to boost the mafia backbone of the economic community. Says mayor Pete Hodges, "Due to layoffs in other sectors, people have less disposable income to spend on compulsions and addictions. This has been really hard on the mafia, and if we don't do something, a lot of narcotics, prostitution and loan-sharking jobs will go out of state." Citizens also say that thanks to the new casino, the community will also benefit from all the kickbacks to the mob from the contractors who built it.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Woman Very Angry at Misbehaving Celeb She Doesn't Know

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Cindy Court is very angry with producer Steven Bing, a man she did not know existed before yesterday's news accounts, for treating British model-actress Elizabeth Hurley, a person she's never met, so callously during their paternity fight. "If you look at Liz's Estee Lauder ads," Court notes of a shoot taken 13 months ago, "you can see the concern about the contested pregnancy in her eyes. And Bing was all strung out on painkillers and busy chasing hookers," she explains, confusing the producer for an amalgam of Hurley's real life friend Matthew Perry, Perry's fictional Friends character Chandler Bing and Hurley's former boyfriend Hugh Grant.

(Reported by Davejames)

Bush Drafting New Anti-Terrorism Plan

Man to Use Super Powers Only for Profit

FLAGSTAFF, Ariz. (DPI)- Walter Novak, who acquired super powers after being bitten by a genetically-altered mosquito recently, plans to use his power only for making money, and "sometimes for picking up chicks," he reported today. His current plans center on putting his super strength and laser shooters toward a construction business, fighting off his arch-nemesis, foreman Bob Jarvis at Jacob's Construction Co. At the time of this interview, Novak seemed to be particularly enjoying the possibilities his X-ray vision held for his future.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

Suicide Bomber Annual Award Gala Sparsely Attended

Successories Loyalty Poster Outlasts Employees

Arizona Fires Join Forces, Fight Crime in New Touchstone Buddy Film

Vanna Divorce Shocker: Never Married to Sajak

Soccer Player Fired for Playing Great Soccer

Possible July 4th Terror Warning Successfully Covers FBI's Ass

Import Racer Magazine a Study in Turd Polishing

FBI Warning: Chatrooms May Contain Buffy Spoilers

Fundamentalist Disappointed New CD Burner Doesn't Burn CD's

Nike Unveils New Phil Mickelson Sports Bra

"No" Just a "Not Yet" for Sales-Oriented Rapist

More headlines

Botox Now Available Through Doctors, Denny's

Disgruntled Smokey Bear Indicted in Forest Fires

Former East German Official to Advise on Israeli Fence Construction

BERLIN (DPI) - Frustrated with his country's own attempt to build a security wall, Prime Minister Ariel Sharon sent an envoy to the former East Berlin today to consult with Heinrich Helter, who had been chief engineer under the Communist East German regime. "Nobody can build a wall like we can," said Helter. "If it wasn't for this damn peace, that wall would have lasted for 200 years."

(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz)

America's Homeless Experiencing Longest Period of Recession

WASHINGTON (DPI) - The U.S. Treasury Department released its annual fiscal budget today and found that the homeless class, that is those Americans without homes, is experiencing the longest period of recession of any economic group currently living in the United States. "We feel that the long recession among the homeless is due to a lack of a regular income and inability to retain jobs for extended periods of time," said Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill. O'Neill estimated that the homeless have been experiencing this recession for more than 100 years due to factors including the stock market crash of 1929 and their lack of homes.

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

Amish Drag Race Leads to Broken Axle, Four Weeks of Sloth

LANCASTER, Pa. (DPI)- An horse-and-buggy drag race between Amish teenagers Amos King and David Beiler led to a collision, injury and sin last Tuesday. The buggies were traveling at nearly 20 mph as they rounded a corner and encountered Rebecca Fisher carrying a milk bucket from barn to house. In an effort to avoid collision, King swerved into the ditch, breaking the axle as well as his arm in two. The sloth to be begat by King's inevitable weeks of bedrest is thought to be curable by serious prayer for salvation from wickedness.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

Workplace Toilet Abstinence Record Unceremoniously Broken

WORCESTER, Mass. (DPI) - Island Insurance employee Vera Mangello broke her two-year record of never pooping at work when a bad batch of chicken salad rapidly worked its way through her system Wednesday afternoon. "I was horrified," claimed Mangello. "I swore I'd never, you know, at work because it's just embarrassing as all heck." In a related story, Wednesday was the 275th day in a row co-worker Ray Walsh announced to officemates, "If you need me, I'll be in the library," as he took a copy of USA Today into the first-floor men's room.

(Reported by Jody LaFerriere)

Conjoined Twins Separated Into Triplets
Small Plane Buzzes White House; Banner Says, "Gore in '04"
Public Interest in NASA Dwindles Due to Lack of Space Disasters
Boston Witch Wicked Wicked
Blackmailers Threaten to Expose Russell Crowe as Asshole
Satire Industry in Panic as Jesse Ventura to Step Down
Zahn, Chung to Co-Host Girl-on-Girl Morning for Struggling CNN
Usual Whackjobs Connect Wildfire to Shitload of 11s
Ringo Expecting McCartney Wedding Invite "Any Day Now"
Ass-Lover Finds Old Friend With

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