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June 27, 2005

Today's News

Jiffy Lube Now Recommends Changing Oil Every Fucking Day

COLUMBUS, Ohio (DPI) - Local Jiffy Lube franchisee Bob Saunders is proud of his company's ability to soak its customers for excessive and unnecessary oil changes. "Because of improvements in both engine design and motor oil quality, virtually every automobile's owner's manual these days recommends changing your oil only every 7,500 miles. In spite of this, we've managed to convince drivers to change their oil at least every 5,000 miles, or every 3,000 if their car is older than the milk in their refrigerator," said Saunders, smiling at the queue of cars wrapped around his garage like a boa constrictor around its prey. "So we figured that if people would fall for that, they'd gobble up daily oil changes hook, line, and sinker." Saunders also announced that Jiffy Lube's new "Weekly Radiator Flush" ad campaign would begin later this month.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

God Loves Utah Boy, Hates Other Missing Children

SALT LAKE CITY (DPI) - The family and friends of Brennan Hawkins were relieved earlier this week when a search team found the young Boy Scout. Brennan was tired and hungry after being lost in the woods for several days, but was otherwise unharmed. "We prayed to the Lord for Brennan's return and our prayers were answered," his mother, Jody Hawkins, told reporters, prompting an outcry from less-fortunate parents of missing children. One distraught mother from Florida said her son had been missing for six months. "Why hasn't God helped us out?" she said. The normally media-shy God broke his silence to respond to the complaints. "First off, let me just say how proud I am that all the credit for Brennan's rescue has been given to me and not the members of the search party. Those bastards wouldn't have found jack fucking shit if it weren't for my divine guidance," said the Almighty. "In response to your question, frankly, I just don't like a lot of those missing kids. Snot-nosed little brats don't deserve my help. And to reply to your next question, yes, I totally intervene in human affairs. I just do it completely arbitrarily so it doesn't look like I'm interfering. Specious reasoning? SPECIOUS REASONING! You know what? Go to hell. this interview is over."

(Reported by Scott Haworth)

NHL Adopts New No-Games Business Model

TORONTO (DPI) - The NHL announced today that it will permanently adopt a new business model in which the league will not play any actual hockey games in the future. "When we saw that we lost less money by not playing any games than we did playing a full season, the new not-playing model just made sense," said Commissioner Gary Bettman. "By not paying any of the expenses associated with putting on a game, we can concentrate on our strengths, like selling old Hartford Whalers jerseys and showcasing Gordie Howe's cryogenically preserved body around the country." The latter strength Bettman mentioned came as a surprise to Howe, who, technically, is neither dead nor cryogenically preserved. On the heels of this announcement, several U.S. airlines are looking into whether to follow the NHL's lead and convert to non-flying operations.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)


Court: Katie Holmes Can be Seized for Private Purposes

Credibility Meter: Pat O'Brien, Sasquatch Now Neck and Neck

Playful Pat on Ass *Totally* Misunderstood by Subordinate

Second Leaked British Memo Details Cafeteria Offerings

Nation's Love Affair With Guns Ends in Murder Suicide

U.S. Knows Where Osama Is; Right Now, Forces in Iraq "Very Cold"


The Misanthropic Movie Review:

Batman Begins

When I shelled out ten bucks the other day to see Batman Begins, I assumed it would be a big Hollywood action flick that appeals to the lowest common denominator of mankind. I was pleasantly surprised to find that I was absolutely right: it was trite and predictable.

A big problem with this flick was the casting. Katie Holmes is no Kim Basinger, Liam Neeson is no Jack Nicholson and Christian Bale is no Val Kilmer, let alone Michael Keaton. He is better in the role than George Clooney, but come on, so is a retarded monkey.

The themes are all pretty standard: good versus evil, justice versus vengeance, Joe versus the Volcano, and so on. Batman goes off on a spiritual journey, learns all about moral absolutes and the spirit of Christmas ... blah blah blah.

The special effects were great if you enjoy bullshit designed to amuse people who never sought more than a sixth-grade education. Batman educates these simpletons that absolutely everything explodes when it catches on fire regardless of the presence of combustible material. If real wood reacted to fire like it does in Batman, camping would be a death sport filled with amputees.

The only thing Batman Begins improved upon was Clooney's Batman suit with the rock hard nipples. This was replaced by the prominent display of the rock hard nipples of the lovely Katie Holmes. But everyone knows she shows off her hoo-hoos in The Gift, so there is no point blowing your money on this crap fest.

I give Batman Begins a shrugged shoulders on a scale ranging from suicide to ejaculation.

(Reported by Scott Haworth)

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