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Due to the holiday, the July 8th issue will not be online until July 9th. Got that?

July 1, 2003


Butts Suffer as Newbies Celebrate Ruling

SILVERBROOK, N.H. - (DPI) - While last week's Supreme Court ruling legalizing sodomy was a breakthrough for gay rights, the ruling also gave heterosexuals the green light to engage in sodomy as well. "Yesterday was the ruling, last evening was amateur night, and today we have the morning after," said Richard Larson, a gay software engineer, as he watched his female co-workers limp into the office. "I've never seen so many straight women sitting on inflatable donuts in my life."

(Reported by Gus Harris)

Spontaneous Celebrations Everywhere!

Aficionados of Old-Fashioned Sex Left Feeling Unhip

WALNUT CREEK, Calif. (DPI) - Last week's Supreme Court ruling overturning state laws that ban sodomy had an unintended side-effect: Those who prefer heterosexual genital intercourse are starting to feel decidedly unhip. "I just sort of like to climb on top the little woman and get to it," said a 40-year-old married man who did not want his name used. "It always seemed perfectly fine. But now I feel kind of out of it." Others echoed these sentiments. "Good lord, no," said a local housewife. "Call me old-fashioned, but doing 'it' is messy enough as it is without that. Heck, I'm still trying to get my mind around blow jobs."

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)

Congress Demands Law to Enforce Reach-Arounds

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Although state laws banning sodomy have been struck down, many U.S. congressmen want a reciprocal hand-job to be required following anal sex. "I can now admit that I've been bending over and taking it from special interest lobbyists for over 10 years," said a representative from Illinois. "On behalf of all of us serving up our sweet ass, the least we should expect is a quick five-finger pole dance." A Gallup poll shows that 60 percent of Americans would support a "reach-around" constitutional amendment, but a majority of women complained. "How does this help us if men don't even know where to reach?" asked one.

(Reported by Otis Garcia)

Rebellious, Counter-Culture Gays Protest Ruling

SAN FRANCISCO (DPI) - Elitist, hipster gays here are upset by this week's Supreme Court ruling legalizing sodomy, saying that the ruling has, as one man said, "taken all of the fun out of it." "Sodomy was a lot better when it was illegal. It used to be 'forbidden fruit,' like an underground thing," said Josh Maxwell, 25. "It was something special, just for gays and the occasional hetero porn star. Now, every Joe Breeder and his WASP wife with 2.5 kids and a minivan in the driveway can engage in a little back-door action. The Supreme Court has made sodomy about as radical as watching Everybody Loves Raymond."

(Reported by Gus Harris)

Rehnquist Court OKs Fihizzle Up Whoa-shnizzle

Millions Celebrate in Predictable Ways

Priests Consider Implications of Ruling

Nation's Wives: Don't Even Think About It, Buster!

Couple Celebrates Beautiful, Committed Relationship with Poop-Covered Cock

Texas Clergyman's Head Explodes

Thurmond Issues Defining Statement on Decision

More headlines

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Daily Probe Comprehensive Guide to Legality of Sex Acts

Tiger Woods Also Far Better Than You at Sex

Parents Think Child May Be Most Intelligent Human that Ever Lived

Rumsfeld's Reporter-Mocking Breaks Guinness Book Record

WASHINGTON (DPI) - By bending over and manipulating his buttocks cheeks as though they could speak while he repeated a Washington Post reporter's question in a singsong voice, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld entered the Guinness World Records for greatest act of disdain for the press. He easily surpassed the old record set by Nixon press secretary Ron Ziegler, who was famous for going to elementary schools and stealing lunch money from reporter's offspring. Rumsfeld gave no indication of resting on his laurels. When asked if he would try to top this benchmark, he told an ABC reporter to "wipe your love life off your chin, then ask me a question".

(Reported by Davejames)

Geometry Teacher's Head Smashed Geometrically

HONOLULU (DPI) - Disgruntled ninth-grader Jared Kaneshiro gave his class a graphic demonstration of Euler's Law as he took a hammer and smashed teacher Albert Mapuana's head into a non-Platonic polyhedron yesterday, officials at Kalani High School said. Upset about a failing grade on his midterm, Kaneshiro showed Cavalieri's Principle by violently bashing two noncoplanar but parallel cross-sections of Mapuana's skull into concave polygons of equal area. Honolulu police expect to prove that Kaneshiro used (n-1) swings of the hammer to shape the teacher's head into an irregular n-gon.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Totally Awesome Study Shows Pot Not Harmful

LIKE, LOS ANGELES, Calif. (DPI) -- Dude, so there's this totally awesome study out of UCLA or something that totally claims that, like, pot doesn't cause brain damage or anything. This way cool doctor or something says that even though other drugs and booze, like, cause brain damage and shit, pot is totally primo. They should totally be giving this dude, like, the Nobel Prize or something man. Seriously. Oh, and this doctor dude? You should have seen him, man ... he was, like, TOTALLY high.

(Reported by Greg Preece, man)

Stranded Hikers Opt for Cannibalism Over Slim Jims

Canadian Reclassification of Cows as "Eccentric" Not Fooling FDA

Actor Kevin Costner Engaged to Marry Actor Kevin Costner

Quick-Cut Editing in Charlie's Angels Not Allowing Sustained Erection

Dixiecrats Scramble to Fill Gaping Hole in Membership

Baby Squirrel Entertains Suburban Family, Feeds Suburban Cat

Iraq Claims Centrifuge Used to Make Extra-Creamy Baby Food

Scientists Discover Long, Ratty Hair in Bag of Trail Mix

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