July 2, 2002
Mankind's Majesty Celebrated Through New Mint Skittles
BRUSSELS, Belgium (DPI) - Man's ultimate mastery of the universe came
into being this month as the introduction of mint-flavored Skittles brought
millions of conscious souls together in true understanding of the cosmos.
Combining a perfect mix of various minty nuances with the Cosmic Triad of
Chewiness, Roundness and Color, the divinely munchable little candies
perfectly represent the unification of the Mint Garden of Nirvana with the
Great Holy Foundation of regular fruit-flavored Skittles. Leaders of
worldly nations, the look of the laughing Buddha upon their still-chewing
mouths, took part in an unprecedented "gathering of souls"
to join all humankind together as brothers upon the One True Path of Candy
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
Entwistle Death Sparks Threat Warning for "Where Are They Now" Stars
LAS VEGAS (DPI) - Fearing a terrorist threat against the music
industry's second-tier stars following the deaths of the Beatles' George
Harrison and the Who's John Entwistle, officials have increased
security around Led Zeppelin's John Paul Jones, the Rolling Stones'
Charlie Watts, and the keyboard player for Genesis, whose name is
being withheld. All members of Grand Funk Railroad have been moved
to a secure, undisclosed location. Homeland Security Chief Tom
Ridge released a statement encouraging calm and calling on all music
stars to "avoid the Brown Threat Warning Condition, the Brown Threat
Warning Condition is unconfirmed."
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Need for Speed to be Added to Maslow's Hierarchy
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. (DPI) - Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute
of Technology are nearing a breakthrough that would determine the precise
location of the need for speed in Maslow's diagrammatical Hierarchy of
Needs. The need for speed -- what scientists refer to as the
adrenaline-pumping love of road-hogging horsepower and tire-burning, crazy,
all-out flame-shooting mayhem -- has long been the subject of debate among
psychologists, though many believe it fits between cognitive needs and
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
Appeals Court Rules Movie Oh, God! Unconstitutional
SAN FRANCISCO (DPI)- In a decision that stunned lovers of feel-good rental
movies, a federal appeals court has ruled the 1977 Carl Reiner comedy Oh,
God! unconstitutional. If the 9th Circuit's decision is upheld by the U.S.
Supreme Court, the movie will be removed from video rental store discount
racks by the end of the year. "There are faiths that feel that George Burns
is what God should look like while others feel that Alanis Morissette is
the true vision of the Creator," Judge Alfred T. Goodwin wrote for the
majority. Experts such as Harvard scholar Laurence Tribe feel the Supreme
overturn the decision, as it would set a disturbing precedent for hilarious
films such as Oh, God! Book II and Oh God, You Devil!
(Reported by Danny Gallagher)
Man's Homemade Ice Cream Kicks Your Homemade Ice Cream's Ass
PORTLAND, Maine (DPI) - The homemade all-natural ice cream made by
Portland's Ryan Milovitch beats the shit out of any ice cream you could ever
make, Milovitch claims. Speaking from his basement cooler,
Milovitch asserted his ice cream-making superiority, claiming, "All you
others are fakers who don't know good ice cream from a pile of shit."
"Other makers treat ingredients like they're something they picked out of
their ass," said Milovitch, mixing a batch of his award-winning Strawberry
Banana Cream. "Me, I don't fuck around." Milovitch claims his skill has
made him a hero wherever he goes. "I walk into the street, people go 'Hey,
there's the Ice Cream Guy!'" he said. "And that's right, I am the fucking
Ice Cream Guy. Say it loud, you bitch-ass posers."
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
Arizona Firefighters Not Getting Laid as Much as NYC Firefighters
SHOW LOW, Ariz. (DPI) - After two grueling weeks battling an
out-of-control wildfire, Arizona firefighters have been surprised not only
by the tenacity of the blaze, but by the profound lack of tail it's gotten
them. "After 9/11, New York firefighters were getting more action than they
could handle," groused veteran Fire Chief Jeff Corbett. "Granted, nobody's
died from this thing, but we ought to at least be able to score an
occasional honey." Corbett claims women don't care as much about trees
burning up. "We did have a couple of activist girls from a nature commune,
but they sort of kept to themselves," he said.
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Inventor of Air Quotes Dies in Mysterious "Accident"
Missing Remote Found Under God
Celebration of Democracy to be Led by Unelected President Keeping Uncharged Citizens Indefinitely in Jail
Bono Had Advance Warning of World Hunger
Cheney Daughters Get Drunk During His Hour Of Presidency
Martha Stewart Probe, Ass Widen
Xerox Stock Plummets After Lowering Overstated Ass-Copying Estimates
Peter Scolari Busses Hanks' Table at AFI Awards
Hall Monitor Receives Citizenship Award, Pantsing
WorldCom Bookkeeper Admits "Math is Hard!"
Bill Clinton Loves His Cock
Crack Team of Marketing Commandoes Saves McDonald's
Daily Probe Uncovers Shameless Keyword Scam
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - A special Daily Probe investigation revealed today
that a well-known satirical internet newspaper shamelessly includes words
commonly used in internet searches in its articles, thereby articifially inflating its
Web site traffic statistics with hits from unsuspecting Web surfers. "Words
such as anal, nude, naked, and so on are very popular,"
commented Daily Probe special correspondent Britney Kournikova, "as well as
references to popular personalities such as Halle Berry and Natalie
Portman." "I'm frankly appalled a satirical newspaper would use references
to girl-on-girl action just to drive Web hits," said FCC spokesman
Pamela Anderson-Spears. "I can understand such word-dropping
on a XXX FREE PORNO site, but it makes no sense whatsoever in a news setting.
The gratuitous references to WWE, Spider-Man, Madonna, Star Wars,
Christina Aguilera, Nelly, Sarah Michelle Geller, skateboarding, J-Lo, water sports
and Ronaldo are just ridiculous."
The unnamed satirical newspaper, through attorney Buffy Shakira Supermodel,
defended its actions by saying, "Blowjobs Pokemon NASCAR R. Kelly's sex video."
(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)
Al Jolson's Unfortunate Time Machine Snafu Leads to Ass-Whipping in Detroit
Large Doses of Pat Summerall, John Madden Found to Cure World Cup Fever
NEW YORK (DPI) - Researchers have discovered that Americans suffering from
World Cup fever can be cured by a simple regimen of large doses of NFL
analysis by Pat Summerall and John Madden. "Strap even a true soccer fan
before a big screen TV and replay a dozen or so hours of Madden rambling on
about cut blocks and stunts, or Summerall announcing an off-sides penalty
with the intonation most people associate with declarations of
nuclear war, and just about anyone will forget all about soccer," a
researcher reported. Efforts are now focused on mitigating the side effects,
which include subjects clawing their eyes out and jamming pointy objects in
(Reported by Joseph Moore)
Judge Enters Plea, Denounces U.S. Devils for Terror Suspect
ALEXANDRIA, Va. (DPI) - Rejecting the "no plea" attempt of Zacarias
Moussaoui, U.S. District Judge Leonie M. Brinkema entered a plea of
not guilty and denounced the corporate slavemasters of the wicked West
on his behalf. When the defendant, charged with participating in the
planning for the Sept. 11 terror hijacking plot, refused to make any
statement before the court, the judge then donned a burqa fashioned out of a
plastic garbage bag and shouted for him, "I denounce this imperialist
pig-dog show trial! It is a sham!"
(Reported by Chris Jones)
WorldCom Bought Out By PittsburghCom
"Under My Dad's Hairy Butt" Should Replace "Under God," Says 5th-Grader
Flag Shit on Cars Now Augmented With Pledge of Allegiance Shit
White House Embarrassed as Global-Warming Report Spontaneously Combusts
Investigators Accuse Martha Stewart of Shredding Cabbage
Bush Calls for Department of Homeland Inflammability
Senate Votes 100-0 to Get All Totally in Everyone's Face With God
FBI Intercepts at Least One Divine Ya-Ya Sisterhood Secret
Study: Laws Written by Rich Guys Go Pretty Easy on Rich-Guy Crimes
4th Grade Rocking to "Under God. Under Where?" Humor
Doctors Panic as Bush Sedation Level Impossible to Discern