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July 6, 2004

Newdow Sues to Stop Reagan Deification

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Michael Newdow, the avowed atheist at the center of the recent U.S. Supreme Court case regarding the reference to God in the Pledge of Allegiance, filed suit today, seeking to bar reference to former President Ronald Reagan in government proceedings following his deification by the Senate. "There is no room for Ronald Reagan in our government," Newdow said during a press conference. "Government and God don't mix, and Reagan, our newest deity, needs to be excised from our government processes before he is foisted upon children in school." In his complaint, Newdow calls for the immediate removal of Reagan's name from federal properties and textbooks. Reagan National Airport, the Ronald Reagan Federal Office Building and Reaganomics would all have to be altered if his suit were to prevail.

(Reported by Ross Brown)

New Iraqi Government Leaders Introduced

US Hands Over Iraq, Promotional Toaster to New Leadership

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - Two days before the expected deadline, the United States officially handed the reins to the new Iraqi government and a promotional Hamilton Beach deluxe toaster over to the country's new prime minister, Iyad Allawi. The public ceremony featured Paul Bremer, the head of the former Coalition Provisional Authority, handing over to Allawi the official documents of sovereignty as a sign of the country's new beginning and the toaster as a free gift for participating in the country's new "Freedom for Oil" program. Allawi marked the occasion with a heartfelt speech, saying, "After years of oppression and violence at the hands of a bloodthirsty dictator, Iraqis will now live in a land of safety and opportunity. We are finally free." Holding the toaster aloft, Allawi continued, "And as for this baby, it's going right next to the fondue set we got from France!"

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

Ford Recalls 1.3 Million Cars

DETROIT (DPI) - Henry Ford III, grandson of the founder of the Ford automotive dynasty, fondly recalled 1.3 million cars recently. "Yeah, I remember the '36 Pierce Arrow Model 1601 -- what a beautiful machine," he said. "Looked like it was doing 40 when it was just standing still. And the '27 Model T was one of my all-time favorites. And then there's the...."

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)

Air America Builds Audience Slowly

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Several months after its debut, Arbitron ratings have confirmed the liberal talk radio network Air America is only being listened to by teens who pick it up on their braces, which the ratings company estimated at around 23 people nationwide. For its part, Air America Radio spokesperson Kate Fields said building slowly in a limited youth market was the network's strategy all along. Others are more skeptical, though, and see a flaw in that approach. Carl Silver of the Brookings Institution said metal braces are quite rare and found mainly in more rural areas, which generally skew highly conservative. "Most of these people picking up the network have been removing their braces forcefully with pliers, often losing several teeth in the process," he said. "This might indicate a certain indifference to the programming."

(Reported by Davejames)

Daily Probe Substitute Courtroom Sketch Artist Bil Keane Covers the Hussein Trial

Administration Renames Iraq After Reagan

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - Before restoring the sovereignty of Iraq last week, the Bush Administration took the opportunity to rename the country Reagan, in honor of the late U.S. president. "President Reagan was a strong ally of Iraq during the 1980s," said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. "He sent me personally to greet Saddam Hussein to reassure him that we stood with Iraq even as he was using chemical weapons against his own people. That kind of stalwart support just shows how much President Reagan loved Iraq." Giant posters of Reagan are to be posted throughout the country, and his face is to appear on all new Republic of Reagan currency.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Housing Miracle in Idol Hometown

SNELLVILLE, Ga. (DPI) - Besides being the home of American Idol runner-up Diana DeGarmo, this small Southern town where "Everybody Is Somebody" also contains that rarest of housing anomalies -- an all- white enclave with reasonably priced homes, yet none of the restrictive measures taken in the name of protecting property values that activists contend actually are designed to keep a subdivision lily-white. Ofay Acres simply does not attract people of color -- a mystery that baffles its homeowners association. There are no Hispanic home owners on Maricon Mile or Puta Place, and Brillo Blvd is mysteriously devoid of all but the whitest families. Wetback Way sways nightly to the sounds of Perry Como and Celine Dion. "We would love to have somebody besides us white folks around, really," said tennis club manager Glen Notheis. "Heck, even a few Jews might liven things up around here. There was a family of 'em looking at houses for sale on Snipcock Street, but they didn't make a purchase. It's a complete and utter mystery."

(Reported by Brian Jones)

Princess Diana Tilt-a-Whirl to Follow Waterslide

LONDON (DPI) - The Princess Diana Memorial Foundation Committee announced a followup to the 690-foot-long water sculpture that doubles as a children's water park to be a memorial Tilt-a-Whirl ride. "We originally talked about bumper car rides, but that was voted down immediately. The Tilt-a-Whirl seems tasteful, and the nausea-inducing spins are an homage to her eating disorder." The Memorial committee hopes to have the ride available for the 8th anniversary of her death.

(Reported by June Shep)

Kerry Reaches Out for Softer, More Manageable Hair

U.S. Completes Iraq Handover to New Halliburton Government

Iraq Gets Custody of Saddam; U.S. to Get Him on Weekends

Brando Done Eating Now

NATO Pledges Bravest, Most Valiant Non-Combat Support Personnel to War Effort

France Urges Spider-Man to Wait on Doc Ock Inspections

Tiger: I Am Not Distracted by Banging a Swedish Model Over and Over and... What Was the Question?

Jackson Sweeps Peddies

Abusive Female Pointing-to-Penis Soldier Invades American Male Nightmares

Ten Commandment Tablets Now Available in Liquid Geltabs

Is Warren Buffet Supposed to Give Me a Hard-On or Something?

Can We Lose the Goddamned ADA-Compliant Toilets, Please?!?

Get Back in the *&^%$@#D! Box!

Fall Television Schedule Preview

Dear Female Pointing-to-Penis Soldier

Inventor of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Looking for Next Big Product

Naked Abu Ghraib Prisoner Wins Extreme Makeover

Twelve Cities Report July 4th Terrorist Shuttlecockings

NEW YORK (DPI) - Reports from a dozen U.S. cities indicate that terrorist cells across the country were successful in a coordinated series of badminton-related attacks over the Fourth of July weekend. The attacks included the deployment of dozens of giant "dirty shuttlecocks," along with millions of smaller assaults at picnics and barbecues nationwide. Federal Emergency Management Agency officials sayd that the mild bruise toll at 38, but that total is expected to climb as more victims are found. A letter was sent to the Department of Homeland Security, claiming responsibility for the attacks and warning that the violence may escalate. Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge denied accusations that the government knew of the attacks in advance after White House sources leaked rumors that suspected terrorists had been buying badminton gear and signing up for college courses in the popular racquet sport.

(Reported by Jody LaFerriere, Kevin Wickart)

Kerry Calls Bush "Feckless," "Utterly Without Feck"

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Sen. John Kerry called President Bush's post-war Iraq plan "feckless," and complained that Bush was "entirely lacking in feck." "This administration struts in front of the camera and claims to be chock full of feck, but the record is clear that they have no feck whatsoever," said Kerry. "Some apologists will argue that the administration could use additional feck, to be sure, but that they do have feck and will continue to amass more feck. But I tell you, the president is completely lacking in feck. There is absolutely no feck there. None. Not a speck of feck. And while we're on the subject, don't let them fool you with their so-called ruthless plan to go after al-Qaeda. Every day we are learning more and more about just how much Ruth has actually been involved."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Bush Celebrates 80th Birthday With Fourth Consecutive Unsuccessful Suicide Attempt

COLLEGE STATION, Texas (DPI) - Former President George H.W. Bush celebrated his 80th birthday by once again trying to commit suicide by jumping out of a vintage B1 bomber. Bush, a pilot in World War II, has attempted suicide by jumping out of a plane three other times in the last few years. "I want to be remembered for something," said Bush. "I doubt anything during my four years in office will have any impact on history." Bush plans to continue trying until he "gets it right."

(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz, Danny Gallagher)

Clinton Memoir Changes Story After Glare From Hillary

CHAPPAQUA, N.Y. (DPI) - After a stern, questioning glare from Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y., former President Bill Clinton's memoir, My Life, spontaneously rewrote itself, changing key details of his life story. Page 116, which had originally begun, "Monica and I had a number of indiscretions," was found after the staring incident to read, "I didn't do nothing. I was bowling with Al Gore. I wouldn't lie, baby." According to literary experts, as Sen. Clinton's glare eventually eases up, the book will sheepishly revert back to the original story, promising to never, ever rewrite itself again.

(Reported by Ken Martin)

Really Cool-Sounding Accident Narrowly Averted

SAN FRANCISCO (DPI) - An overturned truck near the top of San Francisco's California Street failed to lose its cargo of huge metal pipes yesterday, averting a near-certain disaster and sparing hundreds of anxious spectators from the sight of clanging metal carnage down one of the country's busiest and steepest thoroughfares. "If those 10 18-inch main pipes had broken from from that last tenuous anchor cable, we'd have watched dozens of people get flattened and cars getting bashed in," said Fire Chief Robert Hayes. "I think it probably would've looked like the cartoons, with flat people and stuff and blood all over." Bystander Charlie Ziegler was nearly horrified. "Just imagine if one of those pipes had built up a lot of speed and then started careening end over end," he said. "I suppose it could've, like, shot right through the second floor wall of that building and pierced everything and everyone inside." No one was injured in the incident, a fact that Hayes ruefully admitted "is probably for the better."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Cheney to Keep Bush on Ticket for '04

Refusing to Be One-Upped by Cosby, Dr. Phil Rips Whitey a New One

Kerry Has Secretive Meeting With Edwards in Secretive Conference Room, Wearing Secretive Tie, Eating Secretive Chips

Congress Aborts Fetus Legislation

HIV Scare Leaves Porn Industry Fucked, but Not in Good Way

Cheney Insists on Existence of Connection Between Iraq, Kevin Bacon

49 of 50 Governors Favor Ban on Steroids

U.S. Conservatives Change "Spanish Kissing" to "Freedom Facial"

Powell Called on Again to Explain U.S. Policy -- Good Luck, Sucker!

Reagan's Death: Jodie Foster Unimpressed

Universal Warns of Possible Terrorist Attacks on Disney Theme Parks This Summer

Spam Out of Control, Reports Vivacity K. Hemlock

TV Junkie Still Mourning Only Six "Friends" He Ever Had

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