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Can We Lose the Goddamned ADA-Compliant Toilets, Please?!?

A guest Probeatorial by
By Ryan G. Hinton

OK, so my office recently had the bathrooms remodeled and installed those friggin' "handicapped-style" commodes and a urinal. Now, I don't dispute the necessity of these facilities in general, but c'mon... everyone here has working legs, for chrissakes. OK, first, that frigging commode. Yeah, it sits high enough off the floor that I can swing my legs and pretend I'm a little kid again, but without being able to plant my feet I can't get a good wide stance. I mean, am I the only one who has those days when you've eaten an entire brick of extra-sharp cheddar and the coffee just ain't doing its job? If I can't get a solid foot position, I can't get the leverage I need and then I might as well just get an iced-tea spoon and start digging.

Then there's the urinal. I'm a urinal fan, especially since I've learned to aim down so I don't hit the porcelain at a right angle and get splashback on my tie, but now we have these ADA-compliant disasters. If you're a guy, you know what I'm talking about. It's a normal urinal, but it's mounted low on the wall so a dude in a wheelchair could use it. So, if the regular urinal is already in use or out of order I have two choices: I can either use a stall and end up pissing all over the seat, or I can bend my knees enough to use the "short-stack" urinal and risk losing balance and whizzing on my wingtips. I tried bringing in a folding camp chair, but if another guy is using the regular urinal, you end up with your eyes right at cock-level, and I just don't need that kind of office gossip going around again.

(Transcribed by Allen Lindsey)

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