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The staff of the Daily Probe is taking off the week of July 15 so
that we can travel to Iraq and assist with the ongoing search for
weapons of mass distruction. Don't laugh -- we found that Waldo guy.

July 8, 2003

"Do Not Call" List Sold to Telemarketers

WASHINGTON (DPI) - In an unexpected move, the Federal Trade Commission's "Do Not Call" list was sold to telemarketing giant Glomar Telecommunications earlier in the week. The list had accumulated well over 10 million unique phone numbers in under a week, a number that normally takes thousands of credit card applications and music club subscriptions to gather. The deal has apparently given the federal government nearly $2 billion for the numbers. "If we had told people what the list was really for, it would have taken much longer to reach 25 million numbers," said FTC spokesman Randall Wiswell.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

"Shock Pundit" Ann Coulter to Host Game Show

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - The Fox television network plans to bring conservative attack pundit Ann Coulter to prime time as host of her own game show, Wheel of Venom. In the game, Coulter will make increasingly absurd and inflammatory remarks until one of the contestants gags. The first contestant to gag will be labeled a "traitor" and defecated upon by Coulter. The winner will then face a lightning round in which Coulter will repeatedly spit in that contestant's face while calling his mother an "America-hating whore." If the contestant can keep from vomiting, he will win an 8x10 glossy picture of Coulter eating a kitten.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Lesbian Friends Now More Frustrating Than Hot

SYRACUSE, N.Y. (DPI) - When college sophomore James Lewis first learned that two of his new female friends were a same-sex couple, he was ecstatic and filled with hope of a shared erotic encounter. But over the course of the school year, Holly Matthews and Sherry Avery have proven to be a committed, and exclusively lesbian, couple. "The problem is they are so freaking hot!" says Lewis. "But they don't even tease me back when I mention a threesome or a 'James sandwich,' and I've even tried while they were drunk." His next plan is to convince them that their biological clocks are peaking at age 20.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Entire Cast of Predator Running For Governor's Office

HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - The trend of former movie actors turning politically active, which began with Ronald Reagan and more recently included Jesse Ventura, continued today with the news that Arnold Schwarzenegger is considering running for governor of California. The star of The Terminator and Predator, in which Ventura also appeared, is an ardent Republican active in various political activties and fundraising events. Yet another Predator cast member, Carl Weathers, is reportedly considering a gubernatorial campaign in Illinois. "Well, if Arnie and Jesse can do it, Apollo Creed can do the deed," said Weathers, referring to his character in the Rocky movies. T'zark The Hunter, the namesake predator in the action film, is considering leveraging his notoriety to seek the governor's seat in Idaho, figuring his tracking ability and former work as a hunt guide would be an asset as that state's leader.

(Reported by Ross Brown)

Unemployed Staunch Democrat Has Mixed Feelings About Possible Economic Recovery

FULLERTON, Calif. (DPI) - Charles Bellingway, an unemployed marketing representative and lifelong Democrat, admitted to having mixed feelings about the possibility that the economy might soon recover. "I sure as hell need a job," said Bellingway, a local Democratic party volunteer. "But if there's a recovery before next year's elections, that bastard Bush will win in a landslide. I'm thinking another year of beans and rice might be preferable to that." He acknowledged that millions of other Americans besides himself would benefit from an economic recovery, "Yeah, there is that," said Bellingway. "But sometimes we all need to give a little for democracy to work."

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)

Judge Considers Moon for Venue Change in DC Sniper Case

Unable to Cut Taxes Further, Bush Lands Jet on Carrier Again

WMDs Rolled Under Couch, Iraqi Cat Claims

Buddy Ebsen Dead At 95; Possumpox Suspected

Constitution Museum Opening Marred When Visitors Discover Everything Bush Is Doing Is Illegal

Country "Much Nicer" After Genocide

Bush Agrees to Send Troops to Libary

Fans Flock to Bury White

Marley Covered

More headlines

An Open Letter to Gloria

Ardent Elvis Fan Achieves Ultimate Goal, Dies on Toilet

Subliminal Advertising Course a Hit With Students

Jacko's Face Melts

Alien Overlords Report Mixed Results on Cell Phone Tag-and-Release Program

INVISIBLE ALIEN SPACE STATION (DPI) -- An ongoing 20-year study of humanity has produced mixed results, according to a report issued by our Kla'atunoi overlords. "The protocol called for a tag and release program," stated Dr. a'Hwa'leg, chief researcher, "but humans didn't take to the radio collars, so we went with cell phones instead." The technology gathered much information on migration and mating habits, but the project was not without problems. "Humans are capable of high-level stupidity," a'Hwa'leg continued, "and most of them allow our data-recording devices to completely interrupt their lives. More than a few subjects have even died using the devices while driving automobiles. Amazing." The study will continue while the researchers attempt to reduce the behavioral changes caused by the cell phones. "Luckily, we have all that anal probe data to fall back on," said a'Hwa'leg.

(Reported by Joseph Moore, Graphic by Joseph Moore)

Sunday Crossword Septuagenarian's Bitch Again

KANSAS CITY, Kan. (DPI) - Hoots and hollers filled the halls of the Turtle Pond retirement home this morning, forewarning residents that the Sunday New York Times crossword had become 77-year-old Mabel Glynn's bitch again. "'Burt Reynolds Flicks' as a theme? That all they got?" shouted Glynn, pumping her fist in the air over a breakfast of oatmeal and pears in syrup. Today marked the fourth consecutive week Glynn has pimp-slapped the Sunday crossword's pasty ass and made it cry for its mommy.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Story True

INDIANAPOLIS (DPI) - This is a true story. Guy was driving one night on this deserted highway and he sees this old guy on the shoulder, right? So he stops and asks the old guy where he's going and the old guy says, "Miami." The guy goes, "Miami?" and the old guy says, "Yeah, Miami." You can ask Jimmy about this, guy was his buddy's cousin or something. Anyhow, they start driving and the old guy spontaneously combusts and this guy crashes into a tree and dies. So don't give me that good Samaritan shit - nobody's starting on fire in my Mustang.

(Reported by This One Guy)

Cheney Drops Messy Banana Peel into Recycle Bin

Rumsfeld Sends Forces to Liberate a Beer from White House Fridge

"Shiznizzle" Sprinkled Liberally Through Lyrical Repertory

Texas Added to AAA's "Best Places for Sodomy" Travel Guide

NY Times Reporter Quietly Removes Mad Magazine From Resume

Petroleum-Advocacy Group Recommends More Petroleum

eBay Newbie Catatonic After Finding 932 Aardvark Beanie Babies

Fox News Promises 35% More Spittle

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