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July 9, 2002

The Daily Probe would like to have given you advance
warning that would have made you feel all nice about the fact
that we're taking off two weeks to tan our ass-flesh in Key West.

But we fucked up and realized that we're gonna have to flake out
and leave you with no new reading on the DAY you checked back,
just like those other fucks. We hate that. Really. Sorry.

We'll be back on July 30th, and there *will* be naked politicians, we swear.

Security, Blood Pressure Elevated After July 4th Picnic

AYER, Mass. (DPI) - Yvonne Rockwater of Ayer has declared a Code Orange health advisory for those who attended her annual Fourth of July barbecue after fully realizing the implications of pound after pound of potato chips, beans and skinless franks. "That's a whole lot of salt right there," said Rockwater, "and if you put ketchup on it, well, we're talking dangerous levels of sodium." Rockwater evaluated her situation after hearing about increased terror awareness on The View. "Using Tom Ridge's color chart, I'd put us right at orange. I'm thinking if people didn't eat the pickles, we may even go back down to yellow."

(Reported by Jody LaFerriere)


CNN to Raise Panic Levels

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - CNN announced today the appointment of Ted Vernant as head of its news hysteria division. Last quarter an embarrassed CNN fired its former hysteria head, Ed Forth, after the network suffered low ratings due to lack of fear. The network scored fear numbers in the "slightly anxious" range compared to its FOX rival, which had "absolutely terrified" viewers. Vernant is famous for scaring the local Los Angeles market out of bathing for two days due to a benign soap recall. The new head of hysteria released a statement which read, "I hope to make [viewers] too slippery with sweaty fright to even hold a remote, much less change the channel." Vernant begins work on Monday.

(Reported by Davejames)

Guy Wonders Why His Friends Aren't as Racially Diverse, Cool as Ones on TV

BALTIMORE (DPI) - Twenty-three-year-old Rusty McDonald is concerned about his group of friends after seeing the standard set by recent TV ads. "My friends are all pretty much like me -- white, Irish and suburban," McDonald said. "But in the car commercials, everybody has a best friend who's of a different ethnicity than himself. And if they show a carload of friends, it'll be two white kids plus a light-to-medium-skinned African-American and an Asian." McDonald was also worried by his and his friends' complete lack of "messy hair, goatees or retro-styled eyeglasses."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Us Group Speaks Out Against Them

HERE (DPI) - The militant Us group today issued scathing accusations that members of Them were engaging in clandestine pro-Them activities intended to subvert the Us leadership. Us officials are infuriated by recent Them actions such as moving into Our neighborhoods and making Us feel like We're in a foreign country. Said a member of Us who didn't wish to be identified, "I wish They would just go back There where They came from." According to Us Historical Society members You and Me, Here has been considered a critical part of Our heritage. Them spokesman That Guy Over There denied accusations, claiming instead that so-called Us organizations fail to recognize Them as a type of Us in Themselves.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Warnings Pressure Lazy Terrorists to Do Something

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Speaking in anonymity, an al-Qaeda terrorist says the constant Homeland Security warnings drive home the point of how lazy he's become in the past few months. "After September, we were full of fiery plans," said the terrorist. "But then we all got caught up in the NBA finals and then the World Cup, and next thing you know, months have gone by and we haven't even e-mailed each other." The terrorist admits the U.S. government's warnings do remind him he should brush off the potato-chip crumbs and stuff his shoes with explosives, but doubts he'll carry it through anytime soon with the new fall TV season just around the corner.

(Reported by Davejames)

Cobb Welcomes Williams to Hell With Spikes-to-the-Groin Slide

Man Outs Himself With Single Dance Move

Dave Barry Raises Awareness of Boogers

PLO TV Strikes Comedy Gold With Suicide Bomber Bloopers and Blunders

Yankees Acquire Mets in 40-Player,
$110-Million Buyout

Martha Stewart Cleans Up Public Image With a Little Soda Water

Primitive Society Deems Furs and Colored Shells Root of All Evil

Fake Guns, Boobs Pass Through Airport Security Checkpoints

"Under God"-less Pledge of Allegiance Still Has Creepy Fascist Feel to It

Union Proposes World's First Quarter-Assed Effort

More headlines

Greenspan Pledges to Restore Investor Confidence, Cap WorldCom's Ass

Horror-Film Producers Decry Lack of Fake-Blood Donors

Theme Park Water Cannons Lead to De-evolution, Social Regression

ROCHESTER, N.Y. (DPI) - Scientists on Sunday discovered an example of the reversal of normal human social development and evolution. In a controlled laboratory experiment conducted at the Seabreeze Amusement Park, researchers witnessed Chuck Sawyer, a "mature, responsible adult male," regress into an adolescent Neanderthal as he took possession of one of the park's water cannons. While Sawyer's 6-year-old son and other swimsuit-clad children took delight in spraying each other, Sawyer was "tremendously amused" by using the device to drench women with nice makeup and other innocent passersby who merely intended to observe, but not actually participate in, water-related activities. Scientists speculate that prolonged exposure to such stimuli may cause the development of webbed feet and gills.

(Reported by Chuck Sawyer)

Millionaire Fossett Plans to Cross Atlantic on Inflatable Woman

Angry Bush Proposes Corporate Reform

WASHINGTON (DPI) - President George W. Bush, upset at recent corporate scandals, is proposing sweeping reforms that could come down harshly on corporations getting caught. "Back in the 80's, nobody was getting front-page coverage for any of these accounting irregularities," said Bush. "I'm making it a goal of this administration to seriously reduce the number of companies discovered doctoring their books." Bush is proposing sweeping changes in how large companies are investigated, incorporating a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy in what SEC and FTC investigators are allowed to search for.

(Reported by Craig Stacey)

California Man Smells Like Mashed Potatoes

FRESNO, Calif. (DPI) - Dave Amundson smells just like mashed potatoes, sources close to the 33-year-old motel clerk say. "Like Grandma used to make," said fellow Red Roof Inn employee Brenda Clarke. Those who know Amundson well don't consider it a bad smell, or even particularly odd, but all seem to agree that, in the words of one associate, "When old Dave's in the room, we're thinking down-home cookin'." According to his best friend, Harold Eckert, people close to Amundson just go about their day like anyone else. "Apart from the occasional urge to smother him with a big pat of butter and gobble him up, he's just old Dave to us," said Eckert.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Flask Used to Increase Personal Sophistication, Blood-Alcohol Level
Maid of Honor Way Too Into Veil-Primping Duties
2-to-1 Odds That Internet Gambling Will Be Banned
Brazil to Open Ronaldo McDonald Houses Across Country
Alien Invasion in Paris Mistaken for Runway Show
Report: Airstrike on Afghan Wedding Caused by Playing "We've Only Just Begun"
Stripper-Killing Americans Drop Defamation Suit Against Sopranos
Mom's Mattress Raid Reduces Teen to Sears Catalog
Self-Proclaimed "Grillmaster" Burns Burgers for 6th Straight Year
Wife Considers Distracted Handjob to Be Valid Sex Act

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