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July 11, 2005

Today's News

Predator to Run for Governor in Kansas

TOPEKA, Kan. (DPI) - Following in the footsteps of co-stars Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger, The Predator has announced his candidacy in the November 2006 Kansas gubernatorial election. Pred, as he likes to be called, has cobbled together a coalition of strange bedfellows supporting his campaign, including the NRA and the Green Party. "I am a well-known hunting advocate, and although I don't use rifles per se myself, the NRA supports the sport," said Pred. Green party support, he said, is a calculated political maneuver based on the success of his co-stars, who run under the banner of shrill, spoiler, outsiders, the Reform Party and California Republicans. The Predator's major campaign promise is to do for the image of Kansas what Ventura did for Minnesota and Schwarzenegger for California -- change the nation's perception of the state from "charming but quirky" to "batshit insane."

(Reported by Lars Eisenberg)

GM Unveils "Sweet Jesus, You're Fucking Killing Us" Pricing

DETROIT (DPI) - Despite a desperate new promotion in which buyers are able to purchase a new car at the "Employee Discount" price, General Motors has been unable to jump-start auto sales. "When you can't even sell cars at cost, it's pretty fucking sad," said GM's CEO Rick Wagoner. "We have no choice but to move on to Plan B, known as Sweet Jesus, You're Fucking Killing Us pricing. Under this new plan, not only can consumers can buy a brand new car at 30 percent below cost, but they also get a handjob from my wife thrown in as well. And a set of free floor mats." Wagoner also reported that as contingency plans prepared in the event that this new promotion "shits the bed as well," GM executives were busily drawing up plans for Could You Please Lube Up Our Assholes a Little Bit First? pricing and Why Don't You Just Take the Hairs on Our Nutsacks While You're At It? pricing.

(Reported by Gus Harris)

Quality of Friend's Sexual Euphemisms Down 65%

COLUMBUS, Ohio (DPI) Mark Johnson earlier this week reported an alarming decline in the overall quality of long-time friend Paul Tuttle's sexual euphemisms, estimating at least a 65-percent drop in what was once considered Tuttle's comedic monopoly. "In high school he used to be so good at it," said Johnson. "He'd be like, 'I'd like to help HER with her homework' or 'Miss Scarlet can keep ME after class,' but now it seems like he's trying to force it. We were walking by a MILF doing yard work and he elbows me and says, 'I'd like to cultivate HER garden.' You can't just say a sentence with emphasis on the pronoun and have it be automatically funny." Tuttle declined to fully comment on the accusations, saying only, "That intern you have with you is pretty cute. I'd like HER to interview ME ... if you know what I mean."

(Reported by Scott Haworth)


Motorcade Accident at G8 Summit: Back of Blair's Head, Bush's Cock Injured

"Big Wanda" Calls Dibs On Lil' Kim

G8: "Wooooo! BINGO, baby!"

Intestine Selected to Host Parasite

Florida Sharks Agree: "These Humans Are Tasty"

Space Probe Collides With Comet; "We meant to do that," says NASA.


The Misanthropic Movie Review:

Land of the Dead

Let's not dick around, Land of the Dead was great. Finally a movie director who hates humanity as much as I do! George A. Romero's characters are the worst examples of our species. And then they get eaten! Neato!

I found the plot difficult to follow at times, so let me try to explain it before you go and see this movie. Zombies attack. Humans try not to die. Feel free to write that down on a little cheat sheet and bring it to the theatre with you. Use your cell phone to illuminate it every 20 minutes or so and you'll be fine.

I don't know how Romero was able to line up so many famous actors. He got Dennis Hopper to play a bad guy! How delightfully uncharacteristic. And there was that one guy -- you know, he played a transvestite in that one movie. And there was some chick who I have never seen before. Oh, the celebrities!

The best part of the movie was Romero's extremely subtle criticism of modern society. I learned that the world should be given to the meek, preferably the meek with adorable Irish accents so they sound like downtrodden 19th-century potato farmers. The affluent, on the other hand, should be looked at with disdain for their hedonism. Also, if possible, their flesh should be torn from their bodies while they scream in agony and spurt blood from their jugulars. On a completely unrelated topic, Romero's movies have been widely successful and he's personally worth a ridiculous amount of money.

Overall, I give this movie a Thanksgiving on a scale ranging from Earth Day to Christmas.

(Reported by Scott Haworth)


Today's Daily Probe Special Feature

This week's guest:

a Treadmill

Joan: Continuing "Let's Get Healthy" Month here in the Interviews, we welcome Treadmill!

Treadmill: Thank you so much! It's a pleasure to be here.

Joan: You enjoy interviews?

Treadmill: Frankly, you're the first.

Joan: Well isn't that something! I can't imagine that you don't have a lot to say.

Treadmill: I think that's part of the problem. I have a lot to say, and most people are afraid I'll say it.

Joan: What are they afraid of?

Treadmill: That I'll dish their dirt. Shameful secrets. Name names.

Joan: Name names?

Treadmill: Oh ya. A treadmill sees a lot, you know. If we're in a health club, watch out. I could turn your hair gray. And then the home treadmill isn't blind either. Lots going on behind closed doors, if you know what I mean.

Joan: Can you give us a taste?

Treadmill: You sure?

Joan: Very sure.

Treadmill: Well, down at the health club, I can tell you that a certain married man scopes out the babes on the ellipticals and chats them up later, offering dinner and drinks to the gals with the tightest asses. And Thomas Berreault doesn't wipe me down after his run.

Joan: Never?

Treadmill: Never. Oh, and a Mrs. C. Alpern of Vermont Ave. weighs 40 pounds more than she says she does.

Joan: No!

Treadmill: Oh yes. I know she enters 140 when programming me, but that's 180 pounds of woman right there.

Joan: This is incredibly enlightening!

Treadmill: Can I have time to say one more thing to your readers?

Joan: The floor is yours!

Treadmill: Please, people, I'm not a closet. Get your damned clothes off me. I'm tired of holding your bras and ties. I'm a highly sensitive and advanced piece of health equipment. If you don't cut the shit, I swear, everything else we see in your bedroom gets out on the Internet.

Joan: Thanks for the warning, I'll get right on that.

Treadmill: Please do.

(Transcribed by Jody LaFerriere)

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