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July 13, 2005

Today's News

Camilla's Armored Limo Replaced With Handful of Tube Tokens

LONDON (DPI) — Although Britons are still distraught that Camilla Parker Bowles' remains were not found among those killed during last week's horrific bombings of London's transit system, Queen Elizabeth II is urging her subjects to hold fast to the hope that Prince Charles' bride will someday be brutally dismembered by terrorists. To that end, the queen announced today that Camilla has been named the palace's first-ever royal envoy to the morning commute. Bowles' royal limousine has been revoked, and she has been ordered to travel exclusively via London's Underground. "The sight of Camilla standing — or, fingers crossed, writhing in pain — on the subway platform will surely boost the morale of Londoners," said the queen.

(Reported by Dallas Davidson)

Bag of Chips Good Until DEC 05, Fatso

NEW YORK (DPI) — Snack-maker Frito-Lay announced today that the bag of Ruffles potato chips you bought this morning is freshest if eaten before Dec. 5, 2005, "for Christ's sake." The company, speaking via a small factory stamp on the back of the 12 oz bag, reminds all consumers that they have more than four goddamn months to eat the product, should anyone want to show one shred of self-restraint. "Our snack products are all packaged for maximum freshness preservation. As if it matters," said spokesman Craig Montague. In a similar announcement, Frito-Lay reminded customers to recycle the product's empty bag after the car ride home from the grocery store, lardo.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Paris Ignites Purse Panda Trend

WASHINGTON (DPI) — The National Zoo's newest panda, a cub born Saturday morning, has been sold to hotel heiress Paris Hilton. "Basic black and white — it's just the perfect accessory," Hilton declared at a news conference announcing the sale. The cub, which Hilton said would be named Ebonee and Ivoree, hesitantly peeked out from Hilton's purse. National Zoo officials defended the sale as "more of a lease." "Once that thing starts to grow, I think she'll bring it back," said zoo director David Evans. "Can you see Paris lugging a 250-pound bear on a Louis Vuitton wagon?" Initially, funds from the sale will be used for counseling mother panda Mei Xiang to accept a scruffy trade-in purse chihuahua as her natural child.

(Reported by J.J. Gertler)


CNN Calls '08 Election for GOP After Florida's Rednecks Survive Hurricane Dennis

"Who Queefed?" Inquiry Enters Fifth Day

Convicted Male-Enhancement Spammer to Learn Efficacy of His Wares Directly From Cellmate

Newsweek Reporter: Rove Outed Rosie O'Donnell

Cingular Wireless Customers Begin Texting Votes for America's Next Supreme Court Justice


World's Only British All-You-Can-Eat Buffet Closes

BALA CYNWYD, Pa. (DPI) — The world's first British all-you-can- eat buffet closes tomorrow after 9 days of operation.

Sir Gavin John-Horrocks, proprietor of the Royal Banger Buffet, announced the eatery's closure to anyone who would listen. "It is with great sadness that I announce the closure of the Royal Banger Buffet," said John-Horrocks. "It is nearly impossible to find a decent plate of eel pie and mash in the States, let alone in unlimited quantity. We thought we were filling a niche. That niche, regrettably, shall remain unfulfilled."

Vast trays of warmed-over blood sausage, toad-in-the-hole, and bubble and squeak lay uneaten today as they have every day for the past week. Head chef Marjorie Biggles shook her head sadly. "We work so hard to gather pig's blood and suet to make a lovely black pudding only to see it go to waste," she said. "It would have been nice to at least donate it all to the local food bank to feed the homeless, but they banned us."

The Royal Banger Buffet has not entirely been without customers. Most come from a small local enclave of Scottish residents. At the time of the announcement, a party of four was contemplating the buffet's demise. "We're sorry to see the buffet go," lamented one patron. "We Scots are well-known for being frugal. Most British pubs serve these standard servings of marmite and spotted dick. Here, we can eat as small a portion as we like without wasting anything."

John-Horrocks hopes that his next enterprise, McHaggis, will appeal to the enclave and beyond.

(Reported by Michael Sheinbaum)

Today's Daily Probe Special Feature

Ask Zarxnol

The premier child psychologist on his home planet
Xargolia before being called to the service of his
Warrior-God Xargol as a conqueror of lesser worlds, Zarxnol
happilly adresses the child-raising concerns of our readers.

Dear Zarxnol,

I am the stepmother of a 3-year-old girl named Sarah. Sarah lives with her mother, who does not seem to make much time for her. Sarah is in daycare or at the babysitters until 9 or 10 most nights with little or no family contact. My husband tries to get his ex to agree to continue some of the family rituals he and I started with Sarah, but that is not likely. How can we best help Sarah gain a sense of family stability when we have so little time with her?

Trying in Trenton


At long last, a quandary worthy of my intellective endeavor! Perhaps the toxic atmosphere of your Trenton has caused you some type of benevolent cerebral mutation, Try? I am not accustomed to receiving inquiries of such quality from the glabrous cousins of filth-flingers temporarily in charge of this planet!

Family. Ritual. Two of the four elements imperative to the formation of a superior social architecture.* Modern humanity tends to separate these two essential building blocks to a powerful society. They leave children's ritual to schools, churches and pastry-hawking paramilitary organizations, while family members skitter in all directions, spending little if any time together to bond as a unit — thus sharing but a domicile and surname. Such defilement of natural law is one of the nigh infinite transgressions that will inevitably force your race to wobble upon its brittle and scabby knees in the shadow of my merciless dominion but I digress. Indeed, family ritual is essential to establish a child's sense of belonging, sense of duty, and sense of place within the family unit.

On Xargolia, the most essential and sacred family ritual is the Ngazh Vla'shaat, in which all members of the family do their part to capture, fell, slaughter and prepare for consumption the Vla Khemnix (a vaguely sheep-like creature with the size and strength of an earthly horse). Even though the need to hunt was replaced by farming tens of thousands of years ago, the families of Xargolia continue the practice: For three days a month, the family members rely on each other to survive. Should any member fail in his or her role in the hunt, all go hungry - and for the next four weeks ceaselessly kick the poofy little hinder of he or she what caused them all to starve!

So, Try, begin an earthly version of the Ngazh Vla'shaat, and by all means, invite the birth mother to participate. I recommend a domestic sheep in place of the Vla Khemnix, since you dainty, pithless bipeds lack the intestinal wherewithal necessary for hunting an actual beast of the field. Be sure to spend the extra money to purchase this sheep from a ranch pen clearly marked "For Eating Only." Father got frugal once for our Ngazh we had to spend four hours removing cosmetics and perfume from the Vla before we could dine upon it!


*I asked. The other two are renewable, efficient energy resources and something called Xha'atlok, which roughly translates to "I Can't Believe It's Not Jellied Yak Scrotum!"

Send your questions to Zarxnol at:

(Translated by Carl Knorr)

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