Camilla's Armored Limo Replaced With Handful of Tube Tokens
LONDON (DPI) — Although Britons are still distraught that
Camilla Parker Bowles' remains were not found among those
killed during last week's horrific bombings of London's transit
system, Queen Elizabeth II is urging her subjects to hold fast to
the hope that Prince Charles' bride will someday be brutally
dismembered by terrorists. To that end, the queen announced
today that Camilla has been named the palace's first-ever royal
envoy to the morning commute. Bowles' royal limousine has
been revoked, and she has been ordered to travel exclusively
via London's Underground. "The sight of Camilla standing — or, fingers
crossed, writhing in pain — on the subway platform will surely boost the
morale of Londoners," said the queen.
(Reported by Dallas Davidson)
Bag of Chips Good Until DEC 05, Fatso
NEW YORK (DPI) — Snack-maker Frito-Lay announced today that the
bag of Ruffles potato chips you bought this morning is freshest
if eaten before Dec. 5, 2005, "for Christ's sake." The
company, speaking via a small factory stamp on the back of the
12 oz bag, reminds all consumers that they have more than four
goddamn months to eat the product, should anyone want to
show one shred of self-restraint. "Our snack products are all
packaged for maximum freshness preservation. As if it matters," said
spokesman Craig Montague. In a similar announcement, Frito-Lay reminded
customers to recycle the product's empty bag after the car ride home from
the grocery store, lardo.
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
Paris Ignites Purse Panda Trend
WASHINGTON (DPI) — The National Zoo's newest panda, a
cub born Saturday morning, has been sold to hotel heiress Paris
Hilton. "Basic black and white — it's just the perfect accessory,"
Hilton declared at a news conference announcing the sale. The
cub, which Hilton said would be named Ebonee and Ivoree, hesitantly peeked
out from Hilton's purse. National Zoo officials defended the sale as "more
of a lease." "Once that thing starts to grow, I think she'll bring it
back," said zoo director David Evans. "Can you see Paris lugging a
250-pound bear on a Louis Vuitton wagon?" Initially, funds from the sale
will be used for counseling mother panda Mei Xiang to accept a scruffy
trade-in purse chihuahua as her natural child.
(Reported by J.J. Gertler)
CNN Calls '08 Election for GOP After Florida's Rednecks Survive Hurricane Dennis
"Who Queefed?" Inquiry Enters Fifth Day
Convicted Male-Enhancement Spammer to Learn Efficacy of His Wares Directly From Cellmate
Newsweek Reporter: Rove Outed Rosie O'Donnell
Cingular Wireless Customers Begin Texting Votes for America's Next Supreme Court Justice
World's Only British All-You-Can-Eat Buffet Closes
BALA CYNWYD, Pa. (DPI) — The world's first British all-you-can-
eat buffet closes tomorrow after 9 days of operation.
Sir Gavin John-Horrocks, proprietor of the Royal Banger Buffet, announced
the eatery's closure to anyone who would listen. "It is with great sadness
that I announce the closure of the Royal Banger Buffet," said
John-Horrocks. "It is nearly impossible to find a decent plate of eel pie
and mash in the States, let alone in unlimited quantity. We thought we
were filling a niche. That niche, regrettably, shall remain unfulfilled."
Vast trays of warmed-over blood sausage, toad-in-the-hole, and
bubble and squeak lay uneaten today as they have every day
for the past week. Head chef Marjorie Biggles shook her head
sadly. "We work so hard to gather pig's blood and suet to make
a lovely black pudding only to see it go to waste," she said. "It would
have been nice to at least donate it all to the local food bank to feed
the homeless, but they banned us."
The Royal Banger Buffet has not entirely been without
customers. Most come from a small local enclave of Scottish
residents. At the time of the announcement, a party of four was
contemplating the buffet's demise. "We're sorry to see the buffet go,"
lamented one patron. "We Scots are well-known for being frugal. Most
British pubs serve these standard servings of marmite and spotted dick.
Here, we can eat as small a portion as we like without wasting anything."
John-Horrocks hopes that his next enterprise, McHaggis,
will appeal to the enclave and beyond.
(Reported by Michael Sheinbaum)
Today's Daily Probe Special Feature
The premier child psychologist on his home planet
Xargolia before being called to the service of his
Warrior-God Xargol as a conqueror of lesser worlds, Zarxnol
happilly adresses the child-raising concerns of our readers.
Send your questions to Zarxnol at: Zarxnol@DailyProbe.com
I am the stepmother of a 3-year-old girl named Sarah. Sarah
lives with her mother, who does not seem to make much time
for her. Sarah is in daycare or at the babysitters until 9 or 10
most nights with little or no family contact. My husband tries
to get his ex to agree to continue some of the family rituals he
and I started with Sarah, but that is not likely. How can we
best help Sarah gain a sense of family stability when we have
so little time with her?
Trying in Trenton
At long last, a quandary worthy of my intellective endeavor!
Perhaps the toxic atmosphere of your Trenton has caused you
some type of benevolent cerebral mutation, Try? I am not
accustomed to receiving inquiries of such quality from the
glabrous cousins of filth-flingers temporarily in charge of this
Family. Ritual. Two of the four elements imperative to the
formation of a superior social architecture.* Modern humanity
tends to separate these two essential building blocks to a
powerful society. They leave children's ritual to schools,
churches and pastry-hawking paramilitary organizations, while
family members skitter in all directions, spending little if any
time together to bond as a unit — thus sharing but a domicile
and surname. Such defilement of natural law is one of the nigh
infinite transgressions that will inevitably force your race to
wobble upon its brittle and scabby knees in the shadow of my
merciless dominion … but I digress. Indeed, family ritual is
essential to establish a child's sense of belonging, sense of
duty, and sense of place within the family unit.
On Xargolia, the most essential and sacred family ritual is the
Ngazh Vla'shaat, in which all members of the family do their
part to capture, fell, slaughter and prepare for consumption the
Vla Khemnix (a vaguely sheep-like creature with the size and
strength of an earthly horse). Even though the need to hunt was
replaced by farming tens of thousands of years ago, the
families of Xargolia continue the practice: For three days a
month, the family members rely on each other to survive. Should any
member fail in his or her role in the hunt, all go hungry - and
for the next four weeks ceaselessly kick the poofy little hinder
of he or she what caused them all to starve!
So, Try, begin an earthly version of the Ngazh Vla'shaat, and
by all means, invite the birth mother to participate. I
recommend a domestic sheep in place of the Vla Khemnix,
since you dainty, pithless bipeds lack the intestinal wherewithal
necessary for hunting an actual beast of the field. Be sure to
spend the extra money to purchase this sheep from a ranch pen
clearly marked "For Eating Only." Father got frugal once for
our Ngazh we had to spend four hours removing cosmetics
and perfume from the Vla before we could dine upon it!
*I asked. The other two are renewable, efficient energy
resources and something called Xha'atlok, which roughly
translates to "I Can't Believe It's Not Jellied Yak Scrotum!"
(Translated by Carl Knorr)