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July 11-15,
2005


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July 15, 2005



Today's News


Rove: "Only Liberals Think My Al-Qaeda Links Are a Problem"


WASHINGTON (DPI) — Chief White House adviser Karl Rove lashed out today at Democratic opponents of his newly revealed links to al-Qaeda. "So what if I regularly have lunch with Osama Bin Laden?" said Rove. "Only terrorist-loving liberals think that's a bad thing. Why do they hate America so much?" White House spokesperson Scott McClellan said Rove's lunches demonstrate the success of President Bush's war on terror. "Karl has shown President Bush's strength and resolve in frequently ordering off the menu and boldly insisting that Bin Laden split the check with him," said McClellan. "Democrats clearly don't know how to defend America."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)


Charmin Researching New "Half-Ply" Toilet Paper

DALLAS (DPI) — The Charmin toilet paper company on Thursday rolled out plans to market a new cheap, ultra-thin, half-ply toilet paper for schools and offices. "Most purchasing managers just look at the cost per roll and don't care how many crates they have to buy, which explains why single-ply brands made from used sandpaper are so popular," said spokesman Doug Leegan. "We're making this new product from the very poorest quality of recycled products and compressing it to microscopic thinness, so it weighs almost nothing and the raw materials are free." Comparison tests show that consumers use eight sheets of standard two-ply paper, while people using the new half-ply paper must forcibly remove the entire roll from the dispenser for a single decent wipe. "It almost disintegrates just from humidity," said Leegan.

(Reported by Otis Garcia)


New "Pizza Hat" Store Provides Delicious Headwear

AUSTIN, Texas (DPI) — The Greater Austin Chamber of Commerce has lauded the opening of the area's first Pizza Hat location, providing customers near Sixth Street with hot and delicious hats since May. "It's been a long time since you could get a Thin-Crust Bowler downtown," said spokesman Andrew Kilkoe, munching on a piece of cheese melting on his forehead. According to the store's credo, "Pizza Hat is in the business of delivering quality family headgear and hot, fresh fashion accessories in 30 minutes or less." Customer John Briggs is a regular already: "I initially came in for the Classic Deep-Dish Pepperoni Visor special, but lately I've been a Meat-Lover's Fedora guy." Through the end of July, the store is offering a free order of Cheezy Cufflink Poppers with the order of any Stetson combo.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)


Headlines


Lawyer: Rove Revealed Identity of Half-Blood Prince

Rehnquist: "You'll never take me alive!"

NHL To Resume Play in October. NHL... Hockey? Pucks, Goalie Masks, Fights... Fuck It, You Don't Remember

Reformed FEMA Already Paying Fraudulent Claims

Seller Disappointed at eBay Response to Toast With Image of Mr. Hagedorn From Down at the Hardware Store





In-Depth


Study: Bread Gives Ducks Cancer

ALEXANDRIA, Va. (DPI) — Scientists from the Center for Animal Disease Control made a devastating announcement last week with the discovery that bread is the leading cause of cancer among ducks.

"I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but someone has to do it," Richard Farnsworth, chief researcher, told reporters. "All of the bread, God I can't say it, all of the bread we've fed to ducks is giving them cancer. Dear God, give me strength."

Farnsworth and his team of researchers discovered in a government-funded study that the amino acids in almost all name brands of bread cause chain reactions in the cells of ducks, which created cancerous cells at such a rapid rate that their immune systems don't have the time to catch up.

"All the bread we've brought to the park for our kids to feed to the ducks as they gently swim across the pond, or for grandparents to spend a few happy moments with their grandkids without telling stories about war and death, is causing the ducks more anguish than we ever could have imagined," said Farnsworth.

The sheer number of ducks affected by this disturbing news is too great for scientists to calculate, Farnsworth said. Meanwhile, anti-animal cruelty organizations like PETA are jumping on the news to stop the disease from spreading.

"This has got to stop," PETA Spokesperson Vera Hamilton said. "Maybe we could try feeding them something else, like Corn Pops."


(Reported by Danny Gallagher)



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