Rove: "Only Liberals Think My Al-Qaeda Links Are a Problem"
WASHINGTON (DPI) — Chief White House adviser Karl
Rove lashed out today at Democratic opponents of
his newly revealed links to al-Qaeda. "So what if
I regularly have lunch with Osama Bin Laden?" said Rove. "Only
think that's a bad thing. Why do they hate America so
much?" White House spokesperson Scott McClellan said Rove's lunches
demonstrate the success of
President Bush's war on terror. "Karl has shown
President Bush's strength and resolve in frequently
ordering off the menu and boldly insisting that Bin
Laden split the check with him," said McClellan. "Democrats clearly
don't know how to defend America."
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Charmin Researching New "Half-Ply" Toilet Paper
DALLAS (DPI) — The Charmin toilet paper company on Thursday rolled out
plans to market a new cheap, ultra-thin, half-ply toilet paper for schools
and offices. "Most purchasing managers just look at the cost per roll and
don't care how many crates they have to buy, which explains why single-ply
brands made from used sandpaper are so popular," said spokesman Doug
Leegan. "We're making this new product from the very poorest quality of
recycled products and compressing it to microscopic thinness, so it weighs
almost nothing and the raw materials are free." Comparison tests show that
consumers use eight sheets of standard two-ply paper, while people using
the new half-ply paper must forcibly remove the entire roll from the
dispenser for a single decent wipe. "It almost disintegrates just from
humidity," said Leegan.
(Reported by Otis Garcia)
New "Pizza Hat" Store Provides Delicious Headwear
AUSTIN, Texas (DPI) — The Greater Austin Chamber of Commerce has
lauded the opening of the area's first Pizza Hat location, providing
customers near Sixth Street with hot and delicious hats since May. "It's
been a long time since you could get a Thin-Crust Bowler downtown," said
spokesman Andrew Kilkoe, munching on a piece of cheese melting on his
forehead. According to the store's credo, "Pizza Hat is in the business of
delivering quality family headgear and hot, fresh fashion accessories in
30 minutes or less." Customer John Briggs is a regular already: "I
initially came in for the Classic Deep-Dish Pepperoni Visor special, but
lately I've been a Meat-Lover's Fedora guy." Through the end of July, the
store is offering a free order of Cheezy Cufflink Poppers with the order
of any Stetson combo.
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
Lawyer: Rove Revealed Identity of Half-Blood Prince
Rehnquist: "You'll never take me alive!"
NHL To Resume Play in October. NHL... Hockey? Pucks, Goalie Masks, Fights... Fuck It, You Don't Remember
Reformed FEMA Already Paying Fraudulent Claims
Seller Disappointed at eBay Response to Toast With Image of Mr. Hagedorn From Down at the Hardware Store
Study: Bread Gives Ducks Cancer
ALEXANDRIA, Va. (DPI) — Scientists from the Center for Animal Disease
Control made a devastating announcement last week with the discovery that
bread is the leading cause of cancer among ducks.
"I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but someone has to do it," Richard
Farnsworth, chief researcher, told reporters. "All of the bread, God I
can't say it, all of the bread we've fed to ducks is giving them cancer.
Dear God, give me strength."
Farnsworth and his team of researchers discovered in a government-funded
study that the amino acids in almost all name brands of bread cause chain
reactions in the cells of ducks, which created cancerous cells at such a
rapid rate that their immune systems don't have the time to catch up.
"All the bread we've brought to the park for our kids to feed to the ducks
as they gently swim across the pond, or for grandparents to spend a few
happy moments with their grandkids without telling stories about war and
death, is causing the ducks more anguish than we ever could have
imagined," said Farnsworth.
The sheer number of ducks affected by this disturbing news is too great
for scientists to calculate, Farnsworth said. Meanwhile, anti-animal
cruelty organizations like PETA are jumping on the news to stop the
disease from spreading.
"This has got to stop," PETA Spokesperson Vera Hamilton said. "Maybe we
could try feeding them something else, like Corn Pops."
(Reported by Danny Gallagher)
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