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July 13, 2004

Stewart Demands New Trial on Grounds of "I'm Martha Fucking Stewart"

NEW YORK (DPI) - After a federal judge denied homemaking guru Martha Stewart a second trial on the grounds that one of the witnesses committed perjury, the defendant proudly announced she should receive a second trial because she's "Martha Fucking Stewart." Stewart made the statement before the judge could give her a chance to speak. "Goddamnit," Stewart said angrily towards the judge. "I'm Martha Fucking Stewart! I've got more money wedged between my tits right now than you've got hidden under your mattress and if I say I want a new trial, then I'd better get a new goddamn trial!" The judge ordered bailiffs to remove her from the courtroom and she continued her curse-filled tirade as uniformed officers dragged her out of the building. Her attorney, Larry Stewart, blamed Stewart's outburst on the fact that she's "the goddamn queen of housewives everywhere and could have anyone of you motherfuckers killed just by snapping her fingers."

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

Bullzilla Goes on Rampage in Downtown Tokyo

Cheney Floor Directive Carries Force of Law

WASHINGTON (DPI) - In a shocking interpretation of Congressional regulation, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has issued a ruling that, because it was spoken in front of a quorum of senators, Vice President Dick Cheney's recent comment to Sen. Patrick Leahy of Vermont "carries the force of law." "It is now a matter of settled law that Sen. Leahy must, as per vice presidential directive, go fuck himself." A spokesman for Sen. Leahy said that the Senator was aware of the ruling, but the senator will wait until he receives clarification on where he is required to go in order to fuck himself, and whether he is required to fuck himself just once, or continuously fuck himself. However, he has initiated preparatory self-fucking activities in his Capitol Hill office to ensure that he accurately fulfills the directive.

(Reported by Brian Jones)

Al-Qaeda Trying to Influence Fall TV Schedule

HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - Bush administration officials report that Al Qaeda is planning attacks timed to influence the success of new fall TV programming. Tom Ridge announced that intercepted "chatter" indicated that Osama bin Laden was a big fan of Joey, Matt LaBlanc's Friends character and the subject of a new Fall spin-off, and was designing upcoming attacks to negatively affect Joey's competition and situation comedies airing on other nights. Ridge later conceded that he had no direct evidence that bin Ladin liked Joey, but insisted that it was just the sort of terrorist-sympathizing programming the nation had come to expect from NBC's Must See TV.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

U.N. Court: Fencing Off Individual Palestinians Illegal

THE HAGUE, Netherlands (DPI) - In a non-binding opinion, the United Nations court stated Friday that Israel's plan to expand its security barrier by encircling each individual Palestinian in a 4-foot-by-4-foot cube infringed upon Palestinian rights by "hampering" economic and personal growth. Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat called the court's opinion "a victory for the free distribution of arms, and by arms, I mean arms of freedom locked in a peaceful embrace across our nation." Israel, for its part, remained unmoved. A spokesman for the Israel Defense Forces noted that Israel's can of whoopass was far more lethal than that of the U.N., and unless the blue helmets wanted to "bring it" Israel would continue accordingly with their plans.

(Reported by Davejames)

511-Page Senate Report Actually 20 Pages When Single-Spaced

WASHINGTON (DPI) - The damning 1,000-page report filed by the Senate committee titled US Intelligence Community Failures in Iraqi Weapons Data is far shorter when conventional spacing, typefaces, and margins are used. "I haven't seen a font that large in the body of a paper since I tried to stretch a single paragraph into a complete term paper when I was a college freshman," said John Askins of the Associated Press. In fact, the exact font used is the little-known VerandaExtraWide, and the rare type size is 16.75. Additionally, it appears as though the paper is triple-spaced, and the margins leave several inches between the text and the borders. When confronted, an embarrassed Sen. Jay Rockefeller, D-W.Va., explained, "We thought we were supposed to leave some space for notes. Oh, plus it's great for the visually impaired."

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Clinton to Fully Open Lady Liberty

NEW YORK (DPI) - Frustrated after spending millions on the Statue of Liberty and only achieving limited access to her, the National Park Service has enlisted former President Bill Clinton to fully open Miss Liberty. Clinton started by rubbing her shoulders, lightly kissing her neck, and telling her she was "the sexiest beacon of freedom" he's ever seen. At press time, Clinton had not yet acquired full access, but Liberty had agreed to get a drink with him on Thursday.

(Reported by Ken Martin)

Rap Star Who Walked Away From $100-Million Record Deal Dies Heroically in Gang War

New Iraqi Constitution Includes Clearer Forced-Prisoner-Oral-Sex Guidelines

Pope Bans More Fun Shit

Clinton Presidential Portrait Covering Shot-Spot on Oval Office Wall

Drug Company Cuts Cancer Research to Develop Another Boner Pill

Nobody Questioning Nader's War Record

New Medicare Drug Card Good for Free Pizza After 10 Pharmacy Visits

Friends Say Cat-Taunting Squirrel Died "Doing What He Loved Most"

Tiger Woods Talent Level Downgraded to Yellow

Congratulations or Condolences on a Great Quarter!

Pitcher/Belly-Itcher Feud Enters 1248th Month

Woman Spends Entire Day Communicating in Emoticons

Achilles Wasn't "Hung Like Hamster"

"Stripper's Choice Award" Ceded by Motley Crüe to Lil' Jon and the Eastside Boyz

Doing the Lynndie Hop

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - If having your genitalia pointed at with disdain sounds like abuse at Abu Ghraib prison, you might be surprised to learn that far from torture, it is a popular new dance called the Lynndie Hop, named after infamous Iraqi prison guard PFC Lynndie England. On dance floors occupied by the adolescent set, pelvises are being thrust out and pointed at. Many go as far as to show up at dances dressed in fatigues. "What's cool about it, is it shows that this generation is moving away from the whole over-sexed dance thing," said 20-year-old Brett Cutterbret. "We know about the consequences and perils of casual sex. So to demonstrate, we throw our packages out there and get a bored point back in return." As with most new dance innovations by the young, parental groups are not amused. For the Love of God Won't Someone Think of the Children spokesman Anne Michaels said, "I'm not sure what they think they're up to with all that pelvic thrusting. Sometimes I think they sit around just thinking up ways to [mess] with me." Cutterbret, for his part, laughed at the controversy, "They don't know the half of it. Just wait till they see Lynndie's Walking the Dog."

(Reported by DaveJames)

Jeopardy! Contestant Buys Night of Hot Sex With Alex Trebek

Serial Killer Panned for Predictable, Unimaginative Modus Operandi

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Los Angeles citizens are criticizing the lackluster, ho-hum style of a serial killer they have dubbed "Jack the Ripoff." "The guy has racked up 23 victims so far, but he wears a freakin' hockey mask while he carves people up," said LAPD Detective Gus Armeni. "Talk about beating a dead horse. I'll take a psycho with twice as many bodies piled up and a moderately creative signature any day over this lame-ass poser." Jessica Stone, a 21-year-old UCLA student who narrowly escaped becoming Jack's 24th victim last weekend, agreed. "As he was cutting through my front door with a chainsaw, he says to me, 'Here's Johnny!' And I was like, 'Hey, the 1980s called -- they want their dialogue back.' What a loser."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Kerry/Edwards Ticket Details Planet 10 Team

WASHINGTON (DPI) - In an attempt to garner favor with voters and demonstrate their confidence, John Kerry and John Edwards announced some of the rest of their presidential transition team today. Introduced to the public were Chief of Staff John Worfin, spokesperson John Bigboote, presidential secretary John Many Jars, chief adviser John Ya Ya, and vice-presidential aide John Smallberries. To close the press conference, Kerry led the group in their new cheer:

"Where are we going?"

(Reported by Kevin Wickart)

Greenspan Warns: "Ix-nay on the Eflation-day"

Washington (DPI) - In the usual carefully worded statement, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan indicated a subtle policy shift away from the Fed's traditional emphasis on fighting inflation and promoting growth to policies meant to discourage run-away falling prices. Without mentioning deflation expressly, the statement read, in part: "Economic indicators blah blah blah reduced risk of inflation blah blah blah slow but steady economic growth blah blah blah a stable policy blah blah blah outlook positive blah blah blah -- and oh, yea, ix-nay on the eflation-day."

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)

Three Neighborhood Wal-Marts Blame Closures on New Super Wal-Mart

Opinion: I Can Tell From Your Ringtone I'm Not Going to Like You

Obesity Tops Smoking as #1 Killer/Playboy Playmate Turn-Off

New Vaccine Can "Shut that Baby the Hell Up"

New Hilton Honors Pink Level to Include Shot at Paris

Lloyd's of London Insures Kirsten Dunst's Nipples

Jonny Quest, Pal Hadji Confirm Rumors With Massachusetts Nuptials


Brando a No-Show: St. Peter Gets Earful on Native American Treatment in Heaven

Film: Girl With a Pearl Necklace Releases Straight to DVD

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