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Advice from Strangers

This Week's Guest:

Groucho Marx

Dear Groucho,

I've got a big final exam to study for next week in my summer sociology class, and I've been slacking off the whole semester. After all, it's the summer. I'm not meant to spend my summer days sitting in a classroom listening to some professor drone on about cultural trends. Anyway, how can I get out of taking this exam?

Screwed in Scranton

Dear Screwed,

So you'd like a tip, huh? How about four cents and a penny? Even better, give me that back and I'll give you a penny for your thoughts and some more sense. It seems like you really don't want to learn anything. That's all right, neither did my mother. After all, she married my father. Ah, but my dear sweet mother, she was a real prize. Dad won her at a carnival.


Dear Groucho,

I've got a problem. My boyfriend doesn't know that I'm still seeing my ex-boyfriend when he's out of town because I get lonely when he's out of town. Well, I accidentally invited both of them to my birthday party. How can I tell one not to come without making the other one suspicious?

A Cheating Heart in Chattanooga

Dear Cheating Heart,

There's an old saying about you that goes, "Behind every great man, there's a great woman, and behind that woman is her ex-boyfriend." You've got to stop feeling so lonely, and while you're at it, stop feeling your ex-boyfriend. Besides, if you're that easy, why not drop by my place tomorrow night. There's a key under the mat along with the door. That way I never lose the key or the door or the mat. As a matter of fact, why don't you get lost?


Dear Groucho,

I've been married for 14 years. While my life has been copacetic, I can't remember the last time I laughed. Humor has always been so important to me. I really need your help, I can't go on!

Frowning in Frisco

Dear Frowning,

Copacetic? Why that's today's secret word. Fenneman? Tell the man what he's won.


(Transcribed by Jeff Rabinowitz and Danny Gallagher)

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