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07/22/03 Front Page Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? Globetrotting With Push Moth's Diary Musing With Mitch News From Travistan Archives Swagge Shoppe Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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KFC's Treatment of Chickens is Beyond Wonderful A guest Probeatorial by a KFC Chicken 
There has been a lot of discussion lately as to whether KFC mistreats its chickens. As a chicken, I am here to say that claims that it does are blatantly false. KFC's treatment is kind to the point of embarrassment. Take yesterday morning, for example. KFC got wind I was writing this editorial and understood how hard it would be to make the deadline with my husband and children and pecking noisily about the place. So in an act of unparalleled generosity, company representatives came by in the middle of the night and took them out of my hair for a couple of days to give me peace and quiet. And because it is not the type of company that needs the lavish thanks I would have heaped on it, I only discovered the magnanimous act when I found a note in my pen telling me what had been done. To boot, being the overly empathetic, loving, wonderful, people they are, they also knew I may miss my family in their short-term absence. So in a plastic bag, next to the note, they left me a little something of my family to keep close to my heart and ponder as I wrote this: my husband's beak. PETA, in its wrong-headed way, would like you to believe that our living conditions are terrible. That we are thrown into mass pens, huddled together unable to move, and only attended to when we are being overfed or slaughtered. That is nonsense. Sure our conditions may be a bit "cozy," but each chicken gets individual care. Take me. Even as I write this, a member of the KFC corporate staff is standing right over me. And the praise he gives me, "that's a good chicken. That's a smart chicken," does nothing but increase my self-esteem and make me a better chicken. Let me just wrap this up by saying, if KFC were anything other than the wonderful people that they are, and did not hold its treatment of chickens to the highest standards as they do, instead of writing this praising article, I would be screaming from the roof tops -- "Dear God in heaven! Save me! Save us all! But if not all, just one! For if only one of us escapes the wildly inhumane and grotesquely painful fate that awaits us, good will have been done" -- which clearly, I am not. - Chicken |
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