The Top 5 List The Daily Probe Ruminations Save Martha Stewart!



Front Page


Ain't That America?

McQuigly & Moss

Media Roundup

Musing With Mitch


Previous Issues
Crap Shop
Who's at Fault?
Contact Us!

Aye, mateys!
Get you some
Daily Probe booty!

Impaler Beats Bloodenor in Race for Throne of Skulls

FOURTH REALM (DPI) - In what was a very tight race, The Krogathian, Impaler of Souls, defeated his opponent Furkahl the Bloodenor for the office of Lord Destructor and Holder of the Chalice of the Fourth Realm. The seat, left vacant by Vargath the Unwilling when unspeakable acts of horror reduced him to a steaming pool of liquid, is in Oppression Party hands for the first time in its history. "The people clearly have rejected the tired politics of unbearable agony," noted one aide to the Krogathian campaign, "and have chosen instead to build a forward-looking bridge to the next Era of the Blood Moon under our party"s guidance of fearful forced deprivation."

Although numerically close, polls show each pulled in a very different demographic. For those who listed "values of beast" as their primary concern, the Krogathian won almost 2-1. Only in the Volcanic Pits of Misery, where Abominations Against God and Manimals overwhelmingly reside, and did Furkahl win handily. In his concession speech, Furkahl acknowledge the support of the Volcanic Pits, and only hinted that the Krogathian had anything to do with the large numbers who were slain on the way to voting booths. Furkahl promised that despite this defeat he would stay active fighting for his party"s causes by raising a large army of the Shadowy Repugnant to ensure their voices remains heard.

While many will surely point to voting irregularities as the reason for the Krogathian victories, most will look no further than the second debate. Furkahl"s inability to tear the tongue from a reporter quickly enough, allowing him to ask prickly questions about questionable land deals, was seen by many viewers as weakness. The Krogathian made no such mistake and by mid-debate a stage full of carcasses and impaled souls from the Fourth Estate ensured he was tossed softballs for the remainder.

The sacrifices and swearing in will take place on the Seventh Day of Spul at the Palace Housing the Throne of Skulls. Those who plan to attend are advised to bring extra entrails and blood.

(Reported by Davejames)

The Daily Probe is updated every Tuesday
or whenever we damn well feel like it.

Copyright 2001-2004 / All Rights Reserved
No use allowed without prior permission.