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Daily Probe Exclusive In-Depth Report on the 9/11 Commission

Commission Undecided on Preventability of Attacks, Paper/Plastic Issue

WASHINGTON (DPI) - After a 20-month investigation, the commission charged with investigating the events of 9/11 has released its report -- but, citing an unwillingness to spur partisan controversy in an election year, failed to conclusively state whether the attacks could have been prevented. Also contained in the report was a reluctance to conclude whether Neil Armstrong actually walked on the moon, whether the chicken or egg came first, and whether to choose paper or plastic. One commissioner insisted the report does contain some conclusions, saying, "We have found unquestioningly that 9/11/01 was, in fact, a date in September, most likely in the year 2001. Also, we all find it seriously freaky the way the date coincides with the number '911'" -- referring to the phone number widely used for reporting emergencies throughout the United States.

(Reported by RM Weiner)

Commission Concludes Need for Monkeys

WASHINGTON (DPI) - The newly released 9/11 commission report contained few surprises, but among them was the commission's strong endorsement of the need for monkeys. "Let's compare a post-9/11 employee checking luggage for dangerous contraband," said commission member Lee Hamilton. "They reach in and feel around. Not exactly the best way to detect anything. On the other hand, let a monkey search a piece of luggage, and that luggage is torn open, the contents strewn everywhere. Much easier to detect everything. The time for monkeys searching your luggage is here now. Let's not let yet another improvement go by without using it." When asked about the possible new procedures, passenger Karen James said she'd rather have monkey poo on her panties than be blown up.

(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz)

911 Report Blames Iowa Shoe Salesman

IOWA CITY, Iowa (DPI) - The newly released report by the 9/11 commission blames the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history on Iowa shoe salesman Doug Richardson. "Richardson's half-assed attention to detail at the Shoe Emporium left America vulnerable to attack," the report charges. The commission documented many days in which Richardson took more than the allowed 30 minutes for lunch. "Worst of all, customers were forced to wait as much as five minutes before Richardson would ask if they needed help, and he would have to be prodded to look in the back to see if the store had more sizes," the commission found. "Richardson's slacker attitude provided the terrorists just the opening they needed."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

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