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July 29, 2003

NBC Cancels Planned Uday/Qusay Buddy-Cop Drama

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - "One's the cold, calculating torturer and heir apparent. One's the brash rapist and loose cannon. Together, they fight crime, this Fall on NBC." So read the promo for this fall's planned Baghdad Blue -- until U.S. forces killed the stars last week in Iraq. Uday and Qusay Hussein, newcomers to American network TV, were set to make their dramatic debut in the police drama. "The world knows the Hussein boys as psychotic, out-of-control monsters," NBC President Bob Wright told TV critics in May. "Who better to portray the kind of break-any-rule, bust-any-head cops our viewers love?" The network denied rumors that they would replace the Husseins with Baldwin brothers.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

"Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time": Victim

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Scotty Bowfeld winced slightly as a nurse deftly changed his catheter while he lay, immobilized, in a full body cast at UCLA Medical Center. "I gotta say, it really seemed like a good idea at the time," Bowfeld mumbled through a wired jaw. The adventure began when he and a childhood pal, Ty Locklear, embarked on what Bowfeld called a "harmless diversion" Friday night. It ended when, through the joint efforts of paramedics, firefighters and police, Bowfeld's battered body was retrieved and delivered to waiting trauma surgeons by air ambulance. The victim, however, demonstrated optimism that looks beyond the injuries. "Ty totally figured out what went wrong," said Bowfeld as hospital staff maneuvered his bed out the door for his sixth CAT scan in as many days. "Once I heal up, we'll try it again, and this time we'll get it right."

(Reported by Brad Osberg)

U.S. Troops Rescue Jessica Lynch from U.S. Hospital

PALESTINE, W. Va. (DPI) - Desperate for a shining moment after weeks of sinking public support for the Iraqi war, the White House today ordered a stunning rescue of Jessica Lynch from the West Virginia hospital where she had been recuperating. The rescue was carried out just before dawn by a squad of elite Delta Force commandos. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that despite the absence of any resistance from the hospital staff, the commandos "put up one hell of a fight," and that the administration had been informed about Lynch's location by "a courageous Iraqi-American janitor" who worked at the hospital.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

CIA Cops to JFK Killing, "As Long As We're Admitting Stuff"

LANGLEY, Va. (DPI) - CIA Director George Tenet, in his latest admission, yesterday took responsibility for the Kennedy assassination. Tenet previously accepted responsibility for the appearance in President Bush's State of the Union speech of false statements about Iraqi weapons of mass destruction, the failure to capture Osama Bin Laden, and Vice President Cheney's heart condition. "As long as I'm walking the plank, I might as well clear up a few mysteries," said Tenet. "I planned the Kennedy assassination from P.S. 909 in Brooklyn Heights, New York. My best friend Tommy double-dog dared me, and well, it was a double-dog dare." Tenet denied responsibility, however, for the Bush twins' fake IDs. "Our forgeries would never have been spotted."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Sectarian Fighting Erupts Over Post-Service Snack Spread

LA JOLLA, Calif. (DPI) -- The common practice of serving doughnuts after Sunday services has become, in the words of one churchgoer, "all-out war," with mainstream Protestant sects united in blaming Catholics. "Twenty years ago, you'd find the occasional Catholic pancake breakfast, but that was it," said Methodist Jan Wesley. "If you wanted a light snack, you'd have to go Protestant." Snacks have now become a major marketing advantage to attract parishioners. "Nobody understands that theological crap, but even the vilest sinner understands doughnuts," said Wesley. Father Patrick O'Shaughnessy's parish, St. Bridget's, came under fire from area Protestants recently for serving Krispy Kremes. "Right, whining over doughnuts," said the priest. "Tell them all to kiss me Jesus-loving ass."

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)

White House: "Iraqi Godzilla Breeding Farms" Not a Presidential Misstatement

Malvo Blames Rampage on Commercials

Rumsfeld Promises to Observe Muslim Rituals While Parading Husseins' Bodies Through Pentagon Offices for Photo Ops

Bored 7-Eleven Promotions Exec Creates Screech vs. Urkel Super Big Gulp

"No-Nonsense" Candidate Loses Pro-Nonsense Voters

Four-State Killing Spree Leaves Idaho, Washington, Montana, Wyoming Dead

Glancing Blow to Nards Didn't Really Hurt That MuURRGH

Tourists Ask Crackhead Where to Buy Pot

Keyboard F cked p After 7- p Spill

More headlines

Gettin' Probed by Aliens Ain't No Laughing Matter

Portly Dad Gets Stuck in Playground Set

Nation Searches Desperately for Easy, Quick Solution to Kitchen Grime

Man Screws Over Family by Dying Within Days of 100th Birthday

Toad Thwarts Bugs' Attempt to Establish Representative Democracy

LAFAYETTE, Calif. (DPI) - Hundreds of millions of years of evolution and the aspirations of billions of individuals culminated in a failed attempt last night by approximately 15,000 roly-poly bugs to establish representative democracy in a California back yard. More than 1,000 delegates died at the hand of a California toad, who declined to state his political views. A surviving roly-poly pledged that another attempt at self-government would certainly take place soon, perhaps in "a couple hundred million years."

(Reported by Joseph Moore)

FTC Checking Do-Not-Call List Effectiveness With Random Phone Calls During Dinner

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Having implemented the first national Do Not Call telemarketer list earlier this summer, the Federal Trade Commission now plans to evaluate how well it's working by calling random citizens who signed up for the list between 5 and 8 p.m. weekdays. "We want to make sure that this list is working," said FTC Chairman Timothy Muris. "We don't want companies thinking they can just randomly call people up and bother them over the phone." Respondents who indicate no change in telemarketing activity will be offered a special discount on the official FTC-sanctioned telemarketer-deterring device dubbed the Call Zapper, which is not available in stores.

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

GOP Defends Excluding Tax Cuts to Families Who Vote Democratic

WASHINGTON (DPI) - GOP House Majority Leader Rep. Tom DeLay, R-Texas, defended the exclusion of families who voted for Democrats in 2002 from the recent tax cuts. "Democrats clearly hate tax cuts," DeLay explained. "Why should we give tax cuts to people who love paying taxes so much they want to marry taxes?" DeLay also introduced legislation to strip Democrats of protection by the United States military on the grounds that "they love Saddam so much."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

White House Office of Blame-Taking Apologizes

Housewife Not Afraid to Stand Up for What Husband Believes In

Fashion-Conscious Churchgoer Shows a Little Navel for the Lord

New Dad Enjoying "Talk to Chicks" Superpowers

"We Need to Talk" Conversation Turns South Really Fucking Quick

Sand/Flab/Baggy Shorts Nexus Blamed in Uncomfortable Beach Trip

AOLer Gets Thumb Stuck in Keyboard

Sambuca Bottle Dusted

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