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July 30, 2002

House Votes 434-0 to Expel That Thing From Traficant's Head

Boy-Band Manufacturing Lab Explodes Outside Orlando

ORLANDO, Fla. (DPI) - A boy-band manufacturing lab exploded this morning, scattering pieces of what was to be "Tun'd Up!" all over the city's outskirts. The lab was infusing "jiggy" into the band's chemically unstable "Chaste Virginal Sexual Bad Boy" member when the accident occurred. A BoyzCom official admitted that such incidents on a smaller scale were not uncommon, saying, "They're taking an uber-white Disney Mouseketeer prototype and adding rhythm, blues, and blackness -- A volatile mix on a good day." Experts claim manufacturers push gayness parameters to dangerous levels so they can quickly learn complex choreography, while keeping them objects of swoon for teen girls. "What's strange," said the official, "is that boy bands aren't exploding almost every day."

(Reported by Davejames)

Honda Introduces New Child Labor-Powered Civic

SACRAMENTO, Calif. (DPI) - Shortly after Gov. Gray Davis signed a new law requiring all cars in California to be much more fuel-efficient, automaker Honda displayed a concept car that was 100-percent powered by child labor. "We can meet these important environmental standards by rethinking our moral standards," explained Honda's Russell Lee. The new Civics will come standard with sunroof, floormats, one child worker from South America, two child workers from Asia, and eight cupholders. Lee explained that the national origin of the children did not matter to Honda, saying, "I imagine a day when our cars can be powered by poor chilren from every nation."

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

JCPenney Announces Sale on Funny-Fitting Pants

DALLAS (DPI) - J.C. Penney Co. Inc. today kicked off its summer 25 Percent Off Extravaganza on all varieties of Fit Funny men's cotton pants, the retailer said. Available in a variety of colors and styles, the pants are designed to ride up strangely on the man on the go. "Today's active man demands more from a casual slack," said Penney's chief buyer Alton Nowicki. "The 2002 summer CrotchRider pant provides full cotton double-stitching, straight-leg comfort that sort of clings to your legs below the knee, and a casual-cut waistband that droops low in the front, so you have to keep pulling it up."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Sharpton Sues Self For Defamation

NEW YORK (DPI) - The Rev. Al Sharpton is suing himself over a tape aired on HBO showing himself talking to an undercover agent about a cocaine deal. "I will not bend, buckle or bow to a smear campaign," said Sharpton, who vowed to make himself pay for the false statements he has presented against himself. Sharpton isn't just suing for himself but also for "people who have been victimized by dirty tricks, such as doing incriminating things on camera." Rev. Al Sharpton hopes to win the $1 billion case against himself.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

Girls Angered Over Fake Girls Gone Wild Cameraman

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - College girls across southern California were angered earlier this week to find out a man with a video camera wasn't a member of the Girls Gone Wild production company. "When I showed the guy my breasts, I figured it'd go on the tape and now I find out he taped it for his own jollies? What kind of perverted person would do that?" commented one girl. The coeds hope the man will be apprehended so one more pervert is taken off the street, leaving more trust in legitimate cameramen asking for women to bare their breasts.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

Moussaoui Enters Plea of "Diagonally Sliced Wax Beans"

Tony Dow Index Down for 33rd Consecutive Year

Pope Reprimands Canada Over Donut-Shaped Communion Wafers

Required Every-Third-Year Submarine Flick Opens

Michael Jackson Forcing Psychiatry to Create New Categories

Study: Pubic Hair in Playboy Down 44% in Last Decade

White Guy Less White When Talking to Black Guy

NRA Waffle Eaters: I'll Leggo My Eggo When You Pry It Out of My Cold Dead Hands

Williams' Will Orders Frozen Head Used in Home Run Derby

Lottery Customer Worried about Asteroids

More headlines

Soul Sales Down 38%

Bush Loses America's Money, Pretty Sure He Knows Where He Left It

Berners-Lee Receives Lifetime Achievement Award From Porn Industry

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Tim Berners-Lee, inventor of the World Wide Web, was honored today by America's porn industry for his invaluable contribution to the lives and fetishes of millions of self-gratifying men around the globe. In accepting the award, the bookish Berners-Lee stated that he had invented the web "with a vision of enabling people everywhere to freely share knowledge and ideas, which would lead to the betterment of humanity," but conceded that his invention had instead "become the vehicle for transmitting images of fake lesbians with 60-inch tits into every home and office in the free world."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

John Walker Lindh Joins Village People as "Taliban Guy"

Woman Mistakes Blog Visitors for Friends

CHICOPEE, Mass. (DPI) - Debra Dixon was shocked to learn that despite WebTrends reports to the contrary, having a daily average of 400 unique visitors to her Blog during peak traffic hours does not translate into real popularity or coolness. "I thought of these people as my friends, you know, because they all stopped by to see how my day was going," said Dixon. "They all really wanted to know what I had for breakfast and how I doubled the volume of my Aunt Jemima syrup by adding water to the bottle." Records show that most of Dixon's visitors are from the search results for "sticky fingers" and "girls who love computers".

(Reported by Jody LaFerriere)

New Bad-Boy Image Fails to Get Corporate Accountant Laid

NEW YORK (DPI) - Despite the real, if remote, possibility that his work might land him in a cell with a drug lord or murderer for five to 10 years, WorldCom asset accounting manager Mel Acton found that his dangerous new image is not the babe magnet he'd hoped. "Gosh darn it!" Acton said from a lonely stool at a Wall Street fern bar, "I was hoping the ladies would find allegations that I or someone in a similar position delayed recognition of expenses, resulting in a possibly criminal overstatement of earnings, to be a total turn-on. But I guess not."

(Reported by Joseph Moore)
Concept of "Toxic" Now Painfully Clear to Emergency-Room Patron
Homeowner Addresses Weed Problem With Alacrity, Flamethrower
Movie-Rating Explanations Now More Titillating Than Actual Movies
Bush Agrees to Tighten Business Ethics, Tuck CEOs Into Bed, Read Them Two Stories Each
Pope's Condition Downgraded From "Twitching" to "Catatonic"
98% of States Support Nevada Nuclear Waste Dump
Olive Loaf Voted "Most Creepy Afterlife" by Cattle
Supreme Court Upholds Fight for Right to Party
Kids: Vacation Bible School Not All That "Vacationey"
Day Trader Tells Mom She Sells Amway
Lakers Sign Promising Embryo

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