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August 5, 2003

Study: Little Kids Better at Hiding; Big Kids Better at Beating Up Little Kids

SAN BERNARDINO, Calif. (DPI) -- A study of elementary students here revealed that, while smaller children can take advantage of their size in hiding, larger kids can use their greater size to beat the holy snot out of little kids. "Small and wiry has advantages over large and muscular when, for example, desperately squeezing into hiding places to get away from larger children," said one unnamed researcher. "But once caught by a larger child, that same smaller size contributes to getting a royal ass-kicking." Researchers joined with larger kids in advising smaller kids to be as invisible as possible and hand over their lunch money promptly.

(Reported by Ishie Alighieri, 7)

Saddam's Sons in Hell With Devil, My Cat, Furball

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - My daddy was reportedly happy today that Saddam's sons, Ooooday and Kwadsay, were sent straight to live with the devul after our Army shot them down, he said, "like the goddam dirty sons-of-bitches that they are." Mommy confirmed the location of Saddam's kids by agreeing with Daddy that they were "sent straight to hell with that damn cat that your daddy accidentally sent to Hell with his Chevelle all them years ago," referring to my cat, Furball. "Yep, they's down there," Mommy said in between sips of her special juice drink. "Damn thing was a pain in the ass if you ask me, kept pulling on the tablecloth and broke my favorite porcelain Elvis doll."

(Reported by Danny Gallagher, 10)

This One Kid Gots a Bug Face

BUS STOP (DPI) - This one kid, he goes to school with my sister, and I seen him once, he gots a bug face, and I seen it, it's like a bug, and Jasmine says it's from drinking milk. So I told my mom, and she says I still gotta drink milk. And did you see Shrek, where there was this one part where he like farts, and all the bubbles come up, and he's all like, "I just farted!" This is my Yu-Gi-Oh guy, and he goes PSSSSSSHHHHT and then there's this ghost, and they go like WAAAAAAAWAWAWAWAWAWA.....

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik, 6)

Thomas the Tank Engine, Friends Scrapped Over Excessive Accidents, Increased Insurance Costs

ISLAND OF SODOR (DPI) - Thomas the Tank Engine, his friends Gordon, Percy and Edward, all loved by millions of children worldwide, were sold off to a scrapyard today along with other trains. "I had no choice," said Sir Topham Hatt, Sodor Railroad president. "Seems like every time I turned around, one of these trains was having another accident. The insurance premiums on these bastards were eating me alive." Hatt also reported that "operating 30 train engines on a little island and constantly replacing destroyed freight cars were killing my bottom line."

(Reported by Miles Walker, 10)

Spider Crawling on Jaycie's Back

PLAYGROUND (DPI) - According to unsubtantiated claims from a small group of girls sitting on the foursquare court, there's a big icky spider crawling on Jaycie Minella's back and it's going to bite her if she doesn't go run and tell the teacher right now. "Ewwwww!" said 6-year-old Alexa Stewart, pointing at a spot on Jaycie's back and giggling. "It's a big spider!" Jaycie is still weighing her options, said 5-year-old Chelsea Hamaguchi, Jaycie's spokesperson and art class cleanup partner. "Britney said she should jump in the big mud puddle to get it off her, but I told her they're just a bunch of big fibbers."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik, 6)

Study Confirms Widespread Cootie Infection in Females

Good Touch/Bad Touch Demonstration Results in Massive Bad Touch Increase

SpongeBob Arrested Sans SquarePants in Public Washroom

Diaper Genie Produces Wrong Kind of Wish-Fulfillment

Study: 30% More Kids "Put Their Eye Out With That Thing" Last Year

Student Council Upholds "Smelt it, Dealt it" Ruling, 4-1

First Pubes: Gross, Scary or Both?

Blues Poos Do Not Require Detective Work

Disgruntled Kid Opens up on Playground With Pump Action Super-Soaker

Janie Lewis Gets Period

More headlines

Dad's Vacations Suck

New Dad Has Seen Enough

Lonnie Scores Big-Time During Parents Divorce

MCKINLEY MIDDLE SCHOOL (DPI) - Lonnie Chapman is 13, just like most of us, but his dad is already buying him hookers. "I knew I could use my parents' divorce to work their guilt," Lonnie said. "But after one year of Playstations, televisions, and motorcycles, I got bored." First Lonnie told his mom that his dad totally lets him read his dirty magazines. Then his mom's boyfriend gave him a DVD called Amber Does Anything. Then his dad was like, "Big deal," and last Friday night he took Lonnie to a hooker hotel. Lonnie said he had to wear a rubber but the lady had huge knockers and moaned the whole time! We're going to have some kick-ass eighth-grade parties next year at both of Lonnie's houses!

(Reported by Otis Garcia Jr., 13)

Bush Had Fingers Crossed During Speech

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Georgie W. Bush is denying he lied during his assembly speech last January, saying his fingers were crossed when he said that Rocky Hussein threatened him outside math class. Confronted by Principal Shelby with evidence that Bush knew Hussein was in the lunchroom at the time the alleged threat took place, Bush said his fingers were crossed, it was Opposite Day, and anyway, Tony Blair said that Rocky was a dork. Bush's friend Stevie Hadley offered to serve detention for Georgie, but Principal Shelby said Bush would have to learn from his own mistake.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey, 9)

People Shoots a Guy in the Middel East

ST. JOSEPH'S ELEMENTARY (DPI) - My report is about they keeping shooting a guy in the middel east. I am 8 yrs old. I think it's bad to bea fighing all the time. If i was in went to middel east, i would tell them to stop. Because if they always kill and shoot a guy the guy could get a bomb and blow them up to.

(Reported by Josh Amontino, 8)

Dozens Gag as Billy Winters Lets One on Bus

Shocker: Saddam Fathered Jewish Child, "Oyvay"

Goth Baby Sitter Darkens Otherwise Cheerful Afternoon

Hokey Pokey Participant Phoning It In

Archaeologists Find DNA of McNugget Ancestor in Tutankhamen's Boyhood Throne

Self-Asswiping Low on 2nd Son's Priorities

Firecracker/Cat Butthole Experiment Deemed Success

Pants Theft Leaves Ryan Fegman Stuck in Tree House Until Dark

Bryan's Mom's Got It Going On, Whatever That Means

Censors Nix Queer Eye for Jr. High Guy

Older Brother Punished for Etch-a-Sketch Porn Drawing

Opinion: I'm Rubber, You're Glue

History Totally Gay

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