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August 6, 2002

Frank Oz Hired to Control Pope Muppet

VATICAN CITY (DPI) - Well-known for his work as Miss Piggy in The Muppet Show and as Yoda in the popular Star Wars movies, veteran puppeteer Frank Oz has been hired to control the life-size muppet 'Pope John Paul II'. "We've asked Mr. Oz to make the Holy Father a little more lively," explained Vatican spokesman Cardinal Jan de Berg, "but we've requested that he maintain the incomprehensible mumble which so many adoring fans now associate with the pope's sermons." Frank Oz is reportedly honored to be the latest 'pope-eteer'.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

US/Israeli Shuttle Mission Again Delayed

HOUSTON (DPI) - NASA announced today that the joint US/Israeli shuttle mission has been delayed for the fourth time. The mission has been besieged by problems and this latest delay might spell trouble for the project. "We got past the cracks in the engines," said NASA spokesman Dan Hillman. "Then we had to smooth the ruffled feathers of the Palestine Authority when they were afraid this was some kind of Star Wars project." After that, Saturday's launch was scrubbed when the Israeli astronauts decided, at T-minus four minutes, that they couldn't travel during their Sabbath. "This latest thing, though -- the Kosher meal demands -- may be the straw that breaks the shuttle's back," said Hillman.

(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz and Kevin Wickart)

Survivor V Challenges Contestants to Endure Fundamentalist Whackjobs

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - CBS executives have announced that the Mt. Zealous Center, a midwest summer retreat camp for born-again Christian fundamentalists, will be the location for the upcoming Survivor V fall season. According to host Jeff Probst, "tribe members will have to survive listening to the other camp retreatants' fire-and-brimstone apocalyptic rantings. After a couple of weeks of being told that they're going to hell, belief in evolution is a sin, and that God wants the most self-righteous jerk to get the million bucks, contestants will be begging to be voted off."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Defeated, Under-Fire CEO Claims He's Merely "Embattled"

NEW YORK (DPI) - The head of VerioTech resigned today when he saw that the New York Times had changed his prefix from "embattled" to "under-fire CEO Winston Camdare" sometime Tuesday night. The under-fire Camdare was equally shocked to learn that VerioTech, which closed yesterday as a "troubled company" was now a "floundering company." "I've been an under-fire CEO before," said the defeated company head, "and I tell you, I'm no more than 'embattled' right now. Hell, I may be just be 'wary.' But if the paper says you're an 'under-fire' CEO of an 'under-siege' company, that's the end of the road for you."

(Reported by Davejames)

Young Woman Reported Missing

DES MOINES, Iowa (DPI) - Local resident John Rankley filed a missing-persons report with the police department here Friday, claiming that a young woman was missing from his apartment. Rankley, 31, an out-of- work spot welder, claims to have become frustrated with having sex alone and that it "sure would be cool" to have a woman to serve as a sex partner, even if only on a temporary basis. "I'm tired of whackin' off all the time," said Rankley, "The only thing missing is a chick, and I ain't had one o' them in months."

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)

David Gest Enjoying Heterosexual Marriage With Liza

HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - Newlywed David Gest has really enjoyed his first few months of heterosexual love and marriage with Liza Minelli, the former eligible bachelor told reporters today. Sitting next to his still starry-eyed wife, the happily married Gest spoke of the wonderful times he and Liza are sharing together. "We go on picnics, swim laps in the pool together every morning, and do all of the other things happy straight couples do," he said, his knuckles white from squeezing the hand of the love of his life. "Next week we'll go see a Broadway play together," he added, his brow sweating with joyful love.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Titanic to Restate Seaworthiness

Bush Surfing Internet for Iraq Invasion Ideas

Motivational Speaker Advises Traficant to Change Name to "Trafican"

Charges Against Heat Dropped; Humidity Indicted

Pubescent Girl Busted

Bush Becomes First Person Arrested Under His New Corporate Crime Law

Arrogant Prick Think Tank Announces Solution to All Problems

Report: NRA Fixed Olympic Biathlon

Ozzy on More Meds Than Sharon

West Hudson Virus Kills 50 Mosquitoes

More headlines

Fortune Teller Wins Lottery

Catholic Church to Launch Rewards Program

Al-Qaeda Hires George Lucas to Direct 9/11 Sequel

KABUL, Afghanistan (DPI) - In a surprise move, word has trickled out that Al Qaeda has hired legendary Star Wars creator George Lucas to direct and produce the much-anticipated follow-up to last year's devastating Sept. 11 attacks. "We feel Mr. Lucas is the one man with the experience and imagination to successfully top our last production," an unsigned note explained, "and he has shown no mercy to his viewers for many years now." Industry responses were mixed. "I don't know if it's good or bad, this thing," said one insider on condition of anonymity, "because, while George can bomb with the best of 'em, that may be exactly what the terrorists want."

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)


Wussy Russian Mob Now All Into Figure Skating

MOSCOW (DPI) - Defeated, tea-slurping members of the Russian mafia have reportedly gone soft, resorting to ruffling the feathers of the sequined international figure-skating community. Since becoming the laughingstock of the organized crime world, the organization has been working overtime on public relations damage control. Said a spokesman, "The public has come to know the mafia as an organization that corrupts he-man sports such as boxing, horse-racing, and baseball. To have been involved in fixing a frou-frou sport like figure skating is reprehensible, and I assure our constituents that it won't happen again."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Student Pilot Aces All Seven Takeoffs, Six of Seven Landings

FAIRBANKS, ALASKA (DPI) - Student pilot Albert Vane came very close to passing his pilot's license training course after completing all but one small part of his final field test this week. Carrying a perfect 100-percent record and more than 50 hours of flight time, Vane's tiny technical error on the final test kept him from passing the course at all, according to staff at the James Walther Flight School. "Ordinarily, we allow some leeway with our young pilots," said the school's owner, James Walther, "but in this case, we believe that Vane will never be able to complete his certification. Sorry, but we make no exceptions." Services for Vane are set for 4 p.m. Saturday at Holy Family Chapel. No flowers.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Tom Cruise's 2010 Love Muffin Preps to Enter 8th Grade
Ball-Peen Hammer Fails to Correct Attitude of This Here Damn Sump Pump
Billy Bob to Keep House, Car on Blocks
All 9 Rescued Miners Get Trade-School Apps in on Time
Press Leaks Bush Plan to Invade Iraq With Help of Iraq's Ewoks
Leading Expert: Middle East Like That One Episode of Star Trek Where the Eminiar and Vendikar Have Been at War So Long They Fight by Computer and People March Voluntarily Into Disintegration Chambers Instead of Getting Killed by Bombs, but Kirk Kicks Butt and Makes the Whole Planet Stop That Wack Crap
Music Industry Sinking From Internet Piracy, Shitty Music
President Bush Uses New Trade Powers to Win Rare Ken Griffey Jr. Rookie Card
Stand-Up Comic Touches Heart of Audience With Warm Dick Joke
76 Trombones Lead Big Parade

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