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August 10, 2004

Kerry Kills Puppy to Prove Manhood

SCRANTON (DPI) - Continuing on his mission to prove his strength and warrior credentials, John Kerry parachuted into Pennsylvania and killed a Chihuahua-beagle mix puppy. "If you don't think I'm going to kill Bin Laden, just take a look at what I did to Scrappy," boasted Kerry. Asked whether killing the pet might offend liberal animal-loving voters, Kerry responded, "The left wants Bush out of office so bad, I could burn a spotted owl for fuel and they'd still vote for me." Kerry then crawled through staff-provided gunfire into the Scranton Zoo, where he beat a baby seal over the head with an M-16.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

International Moratorium on William Hung Jokes Declared

WASHINGTON (DPI) - The National Pop Culture Commission (NPCC) has demanded a worldwide moratorium on all use of William Hung as a comedic device. Alex Lucas, a spokesperson for the NPCC, said, "Mr. Hung's fifteen minutes of fame has long been spent. At this point it is no longer possible to determine whether those using Hung as a comedic staple are actually poking fun with a detached irony, or are actually contributing to and perpetuating the problem themselves." The NPCC released a list of alternatives to for humorists to use in lieu of the failed American Idol, including Evel Knievel, Nipsey Russell and Lulu the Talking Goat. Lucas concluded, "If we all work together to forget William Hung, William Hung will one day be forgotten. And on that day we will be able to laugh again."

(Reported by RM Weiner)

Nuclear War Narrowly Averted

Islamabad, Pakistan (DPI) - A worldwide nuclear holocaust was narrowly averted today when tensions flared up along the Kashmir border between India and Paki-- What? "Big Brother 5" is on? Um... sorry, gotta go.

(Reported by Ross Brown)

Philippines Economy Unchanged Despite O'Reilly Boycott

MANILA (DPI) - Bill O'Reilly's boycott of the Philippines has thus far failed to have much affect on that nation's economy. The conservative talk-show host called for a consumer boycott after the Philippine government withdrew its peacekeeping force of 51 troops from the U.S.-led coalition in Iraq. O'Reilly urged his viewers to boycott all Philippine products, including "molybdenum, cadmium, guano, phosphate rock, barracuda, mudfish, tortoiseshells and maguey, which I am told is used for making such products as rope." Nevertheless, the stock market in the Philippines has remained unchanged, with the exception of coconut futures, which are up 23%.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Ricky Williams Quits NFL to Follow Grateful Dead

JAMAICA (DPI) - In an interview with Jamaican television, former Dolphins running-back Ricky Williams announced that he is quitting the NFL in order to follow the Grateful Dead on tour. An often-confused, barely coherent Williams said that he really liked Jerry Garcia's hair. When informed that Jerry Garcia died nine years ago, Williams, finishing his second box of Fruity Pebbles, giggled uncontrollably for several minutes, before saying that he would try to catch a Bob Marley concert instead.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Kerry Denies Consuming Asparagus

LAS VEGAS (DPI) - The John F. Kerry campaign has released a statement in response to claims that he ate asparagus last night while in campaigning in Arizona. "The Senator categorically denies consuming asparagus for dinner or breakfast. Persons claiming otherwise were standing at a different urinal and therefore have no standing to make such a claim."

(Reported by Brian Jones)

Swift Boat Vets: Kerry Couldn't Roll a Joint Worth Shit

Al-Qaeda's Practical Joke Division Having Fun Tweaking Ridge

Cheney Decides to Keep Bush on Ticket

Kerry Economic Plan Funded by Transfer of Frozen Nigerian Assets

Rick James' Housekeeper Alerted by Funky Smell

Latest CIA Terrorist Info Warns of Large Attack on US Naval Base in Hawaii

Third Attempt Fails to Extinguish Red Adair Cremation

Three-Year Cleaning Fails to Rid Statue of Liberty of France-Stench

Hurricane Alex Downgraded to "Pussy"

Tyson Adds Tattoo of Ring-Floor Budweiser Logo to Other Side of Face

C'mon, People, It's Time to Update the Red State/Blue State Model!

Kerry Captures Highly Coveted Bad Guitar Player Vote

Grammar Nazi's Retirement Leaves Discussion List in Lurch

Arby's Oven Mitt Finally Fucking Fired

Fort Lauderdale, Fla. (DPI) Oven Mitt, that "loveable" new Arby's mascot, was fucking fired today after everyone in the fucking world finally stood up and said, "Hey! Tom Arnold's a fucking voiceover hack and you have this stupid fucking dipshit fucking talking Oven Mitt who screams all the time but still fucking douchebag teenage minimum-wage workers somehow agree to do whatever the fuck he says rather than lighting him on fucking fire or fucking drowning him!" Oven Mitt could not be reached for comment, thank fucking God. Parking was ample.

(Reported by Mark Niebuhr)

Rapper 50 Cent Reverses Stance on Stem-Cell Research

NEW YORK (DPI) - Rapper 50 Cent has changed his mind about the hotly debated ethics of research into human stem-cell tissue after learning the proper pronunciation for the specialists who engage in it. "Man, why the fuck do I wanna support a bunch of motherfuckin' 'biotech' scientists?" asks the entertainer. "Fuck you think I'm gay or some shiz'?" Mr. Cent admitted that his earlier support for the research was based on the incorrect impression that he was supporting "biotch" scientists. "Man, don't get me wrong, I loves me some scien-tizzle poo-nizzle, and that ain' no roca," he explains. "But stem cells, man that shit's just WRONG, man, pullin' babies apart and shit. I'm kind of glad it ain' biotch scientists doin' it."

(Reported by Brian Jones)

S. Millwood Lane on Orange Alert

KANSAS CITY (DPI) - S. Millwood Lane has gone to Orange Alert to guard against the threat of terrorism. Brenda Freedale is stationed at the end of the block to check for terrorists coming around the corner from Cedar Street, while Walter Bringham is sitting on his porch with his Remington shot-gun, in case any terrorists drive on his lawn. Homeowners association president Marlon Dimsdale reported, "Old man Jenkins is up on his roof, looking out for enemy aircraft. Of course, he's been doing that since Korea, so take that with a grain of salt." No terrorists have been spotted on S. Millwood Lane since 1978, and even that turned out to be a Jehova's Witness.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Damned-Dos Trump Damned-Don'ts in White House Schism

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Rumors of a rift in the Bush administration over the recent terror threat announcement have been confirmed by an unnamed insider. "The damned-if-we-do-ers nearly won out on this one," the source noted. "However, after several hours of heated debate, the damned-if-we-don't-ers prevailed and the announcement was made. Of course, now that the announcement has been made and the Democrats are damning the administration for it, the damned-if-we-do-ers are all 'told ya so!' in the hallways. The insider added that he hopes his carefully maintained "Damned-if-I-know" status will help him retain his position in the event of a Kerry win in November.

(Reported by Brian Jones)

Apple CEO Steve Jobs Diagnosed With Most Stylish, Eclectic Cancer Ever

Florida Democrat Voters Confident They Can Fuck Up Electronic Balloting

Ted Nugent Supports Bush by Killing Animals in Swing States

Wheelchair Veterans for Truth Deny FDR's Paralysis

Forgotten Anniversary Raises Husband's "Balls Alert" To Blue

Dumbass Voters Remain Undecided

Jheri Curl Files Chapter 11 Following Death of Rick James

Marion Barry: "Dope Is on the Way!"

"Boyish" to "Shit-Eating": Tom Cruise Upgrades Grin

Stupid Fuckers Blamed

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