Canadians Mistakenly Believe Badminton, Table Tennis Are Sports
ATHENS, Greece (DPI) - Canadians are traveling here in record numbers to
support their gold-worthy badminton team in the Summer Olympics. After 18
months of training, the team has dominated in exhibition matches against
Estonia and Thailand. But badminton isn't the only sport expected to bring
gold medals to the great white north. Canada's table tennis team may be
the best the world has seen since the 1972 Chinese team. The synchronized
swim team also is getting a considerable amount of buzz.
(Reported by Stuart Johnson)
Swift Boat Veterans for Gold Scores Olympic Tickets
ATHENS, Greece (DPI) - Somehow, a group calling itself Swift Boat Veterans
for Gold has managed to score transportation and tickets to the 2004
Olympic Games. The group calls Jacques Rogge, president of the
International Olympic Committee, "a huge queer" and the Parthenon "a big
queer hangout." The group will be making the rounds on international TV
and drinking heavily over the next two weeks.
(Reported by Mr. Sun)
Kerry for the War or Against It or Something
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Sen. John Kerry, the Democratic presidential nominee,
clarified his position on the war in Iraq during a campaign stop. "While I
am currently against the implementation of the war, I was for the concept,
the concept as it was presented, not the reality as it is now, except for
my unwavering support of the troops, which I was forced to vote against
support for, as it became a reality that the weapons of mass destruction
were not weapons, nor in mass, nor set for destruction, to support the
soldiers not having to fight a war which was unsupported by the new
reality, a reality set in motion by faulty concepts, a reality which I
still conceptually support in any case, because we find ourselves already
there, and as president, I will present better concepts to better that
reality than my opponent in the White House."
(Reported by Davejames)
Fidelity Announces New Senator's Fund
NEW YORK (DPI) - Believing that investors can benefit from the uncanny way
U.S. senators have historically beaten both the market and institutional
investors, Fidelity Investments today announced the creation of the
Senator's Mutual Fund. The new fund will buy, sell and hold based on how
U.S senators invest as a group. "It's like magic," said fund manager Kyle
Trancas. "Year after year, our senators make more money from their
investments than even trained professionals. Even first-year Senators come
out way ahead. It's almost like they know something we don't." Martha
Stewart was unavailable for comment.
(Reported by Joseph Moore)
Tom Ridge: We Will All Eventually Die
WASHINGTON (DPI) - The Department of Homeland Security raised the
nation's threat condition yesterday based on new evidence that all
Americans will some day die. "We are all going to die, said Secretary Tom
Ridge. "Every one of us. We don't know if al-Qaeda will be responsible for
all of our individual deaths, but it's better to be safe than sorry. So we
are raising the threat condition level and ordering all Americans, under
President Bush's leadership, to be on guard against dying, at least
through November." Apart from human mortality, Ridge did not disclose what
other information he recently learned from his four-decade-old high-school
biology text book.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Steroidistan Has Record 400 Athletes Ejected From Games
Supreme Court to Rule on Alien V. Predator
Southwest Air "Boxcutter Fares" Prove Unpopular
Kerry Wants More Sensitive War on Terror, Ribbed for Her Pleasure
McGreevey Outed by Clogs, Fanny Pack
Gravy Boat Veterans Claim Kerry Never Served Potatoes
Administration Leaks Name of the Man With the Yellow Hat
Dems Question Timing of Hurricane, Olympics, Event to Be Named Later
Olympic Synchronized Diving: What the Fuck?
Pope Spotted Shopping for Harp
Why Can't I Quit My Job to Sit Around All Day and Smoke Pot, Like Ricky Williams Did?
Hey, IOC, I Got Kids Here!
Natural Selection: Just Let Me Do My Job
Marsachusetts Approves Same-Sex Anal Probing
Study: Carbohydrate Consumption Reduces Chances of Being Perceived as an Asshole
Kerry Campaign: "Just What is Bush's Goddamn Problem?"
SEATTLE (DPI) - The message from the John Kerry campaign in recent weeks
has been clear: "George W. Bush's goddamn problem is that he's a smirking
idiot cokehead draft-dodging cowboy who doesn't care what France thinks
and wants to blow up the world to fulfill Bible prophecy." But the message
has failed to take hold, so the campaign will shift gears in the
coming days to a more compact, "What is George W. Bush's goddamn problem?"
Campaign adviser Lanny Davis explained the shift. "Everybody
thinks they know what George W. Bush's goddamn problem is, but the
trouble is it's a different goddamn problem with most every single
voter," said Davis. "So if you hammer him on his goddamn
Machiavellian business dealings, you lose the people who have more of a
problem with his goddamn chimp-like idiocy. If you gig him on his goddamn
smirking arrogance, you lose the ones whose issue is reliance on goddamn
Dick Cheney. So we're going to simply leave it to the American people and
trust they can come up with the answer to the question on their own."
(Reported by Brian Jones)
U.S. Missile Attack Successful After Launch on G-7
G-6 (DPI) - Pentagon officials confirmed a "hit" on a target in the G- 7
area yesterday, ending a week-long series of 37 misses, spokesman Jim Ward
announced in a press conference late Wednesday afternoon. "We're pleased
to announce we've finally found a way to penetrate the enemy's submarine
in the E through G and 6 through 10 quadrant," Ward said. "This means it's
only a matter of time before we sink the rest of it." Intelligence reports
shows an aircraft carrier, a battleship, a destroyer and a cruiser remain
somewhere else in the area. Their locations are unknown, but reports
indicate they are not moving. So far, CIA efforts to determine its
whereabouts before the United States can attack have been unsuccessful.
(Reported by Danny Gallagher)