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August 17, 2004

Canadians Mistakenly Believe Badminton, Table Tennis Are Sports

ATHENS, Greece (DPI) - Canadians are traveling here in record numbers to support their gold-worthy badminton team in the Summer Olympics. After 18 months of training, the team has dominated in exhibition matches against Estonia and Thailand. But badminton isn't the only sport expected to bring gold medals to the great white north. Canada's table tennis team may be the best the world has seen since the 1972 Chinese team. The synchronized swim team also is getting a considerable amount of buzz.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

Swift Boat Veterans for Gold Scores Olympic Tickets

ATHENS, Greece (DPI) - Somehow, a group calling itself Swift Boat Veterans for Gold has managed to score transportation and tickets to the 2004 Olympic Games. The group calls Jacques Rogge, president of the International Olympic Committee, "a huge queer" and the Parthenon "a big queer hangout." The group will be making the rounds on international TV and drinking heavily over the next two weeks.

(Reported by Mr. Sun)

Kerry for the War or Against It or Something

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Sen. John Kerry, the Democratic presidential nominee, clarified his position on the war in Iraq during a campaign stop. "While I am currently against the implementation of the war, I was for the concept, the concept as it was presented, not the reality as it is now, except for my unwavering support of the troops, which I was forced to vote against support for, as it became a reality that the weapons of mass destruction were not weapons, nor in mass, nor set for destruction, to support the soldiers not having to fight a war which was unsupported by the new reality, a reality set in motion by faulty concepts, a reality which I still conceptually support in any case, because we find ourselves already there, and as president, I will present better concepts to better that reality than my opponent in the White House."

(Reported by Davejames)

Fidelity Announces New Senator's Fund

NEW YORK (DPI) - Believing that investors can benefit from the uncanny way U.S. senators have historically beaten both the market and institutional investors, Fidelity Investments today announced the creation of the Senator's Mutual Fund. The new fund will buy, sell and hold based on how U.S senators invest as a group. "It's like magic," said fund manager Kyle Trancas. "Year after year, our senators make more money from their investments than even trained professionals. Even first-year Senators come out way ahead. It's almost like they know something we don't." Martha Stewart was unavailable for comment.

(Reported by Joseph Moore)

Tom Ridge: We Will All Eventually Die

WASHINGTON (DPI) - The Department of Homeland Security raised the nation's threat condition yesterday based on new evidence that all Americans will some day die. "We are all going to die, said Secretary Tom Ridge. "Every one of us. We don't know if al-Qaeda will be responsible for all of our individual deaths, but it's better to be safe than sorry. So we are raising the threat condition level and ordering all Americans, under President Bush's leadership, to be on guard against dying, at least through November." Apart from human mortality, Ridge did not disclose what other information he recently learned from his four-decade-old high-school biology text book.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Steroidistan Has Record 400 Athletes Ejected From Games

Supreme Court to Rule on Alien V. Predator

Southwest Air "Boxcutter Fares" Prove Unpopular

Kerry Wants More Sensitive War on Terror, Ribbed for Her Pleasure

McGreevey Outed by Clogs, Fanny Pack

Gravy Boat Veterans Claim Kerry Never Served Potatoes

Administration Leaks Name of the Man With the Yellow Hat

Dems Question Timing of Hurricane, Olympics, Event to Be Named Later

Olympic Synchronized Diving: What the Fuck?

Pope Spotted Shopping for Harp

Why Can't I Quit My Job to Sit Around All Day and Smoke Pot, Like Ricky Williams Did?

Hey, IOC, I Got Kids Here!

Natural Selection: Just Let Me Do My Job

Marsachusetts Approves Same-Sex Anal Probing

Study: Carbohydrate Consumption Reduces Chances of Being Perceived as an Asshole

Kerry Campaign: "Just What is Bush's Goddamn Problem?"

SEATTLE (DPI) - The message from the John Kerry campaign in recent weeks has been clear: "George W. Bush's goddamn problem is that he's a smirking idiot cokehead draft-dodging cowboy who doesn't care what France thinks and wants to blow up the world to fulfill Bible prophecy." But the message has failed to take hold, so the campaign will shift gears in the coming days to a more compact, "What is George W. Bush's goddamn problem?" Campaign adviser Lanny Davis explained the shift. "Everybody thinks they know what George W. Bush's goddamn problem is, but the trouble is it's a different goddamn problem with most every single voter," said Davis. "So if you hammer him on his goddamn Machiavellian business dealings, you lose the people who have more of a problem with his goddamn chimp-like idiocy. If you gig him on his goddamn smirking arrogance, you lose the ones whose issue is reliance on goddamn Dick Cheney. So we're going to simply leave it to the American people and trust they can come up with the answer to the question on their own."

(Reported by Brian Jones)


U.S. Missile Attack Successful After Launch on G-7

G-6 (DPI) - Pentagon officials confirmed a "hit" on a target in the G- 7 area yesterday, ending a week-long series of 37 misses, spokesman Jim Ward announced in a press conference late Wednesday afternoon. "We're pleased to announce we've finally found a way to penetrate the enemy's submarine in the E through G and 6 through 10 quadrant," Ward said. "This means it's only a matter of time before we sink the rest of it." Intelligence reports shows an aircraft carrier, a battleship, a destroyer and a cruiser remain somewhere else in the area. Their locations are unknown, but reports indicate they are not moving. So far, CIA efforts to determine its whereabouts before the United States can attack have been unsuccessful.

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

Kerry: Bush Should Have Sought Approval From France for Florida Evacuation

Gopher, Isaac, Doc: Kerry Never Served on Love Boat

Bush Condemns Attack Ads, Pretzels

Old Geezer Finds First New Takers for 'Nam Stories in 20 Years

Streisand Strangely Silent

Super Bowl Halftime Show Set: Titstacular!

Ricky Williams Backs Out of Driveway

Punch Bowl Spiked at Superhero Symposium; Hulk Smashed

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