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August 19, 2003

Florida to Use Interpretive Dance to Choose Next Governor

GAINESVILLE, Fla. (DPI) - Reacting to the upcoming recall election in California, Florida Secretary of State Glenda E. Hood announced today that the next governor of Florida will be determined by a "fair, open and transparent" interpretive dance contest. "We worked hard to earn our reputation as the wild and crazy election state," Hood said. "Too hard to lose it to those West Coast posers and their 100-year-old recall laws." Incumbent Gov. Jeb Bush announced plans to seek re-election and to enroll in a remedial modern dance class at Miami-Dade College.

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)

Bush Sends Complaining U.S. Soldiers From Iraq to Liberia

MONROVIA, Liberia (DPI) - Angered by growing reports of discontent from U.S. soldiers over extended tours of duty in Iraq, President Bush has ordered all complaining soldiers sent to Liberia to serve as peacekeepers. "'Waaah, we don't have enough water supplies. Waaah, the Iraqis don't like us and keep shooting at us. Waaah!' Well how do you like Africa, huh, cry-babies?" said Bush, who promised to continue sending them into harm's way and cutting military pay and benefits until the military stopped complaining and let him enjoy his photo opportunities in peace.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Tuesday Catches Everyone Off Guard

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - "Holy shit! Tuesday already?" exclaimed one man, who seemed to sum up the opinion of everyone. "No way is it Tuesday, I've got so much fucking work to do," said another. "Damn." Others blamed the day's unexpected arrival for missed deadlines and skipped appointments. "No way am I scheduling anything important on a Tuesday ever again," lamented one woman. "I mean one day it's Monday and then whammo -- Tuesday smacks you right in the ass." According to etymologists, the word "Tuesday" comes from the Aramaic word "tuuhs," meaning "child of Satan spitting in your face."

(Reported by Otis Garcia)

Man Wakes Up After Surgery to Find Penis Still There

HOUSTON (DPI) - Carl Banner was in shock after he awoke from penis removal surgery this week to find his penis still there. Instead, the doctors removed his two rather large breasts by mistake. "I've been taking female hormones and have saved for this sex-change surgery for years," said Banner. "Of COURSE my breasts were big." Doctors who performed the procedure seemed confused, as that particular hospital had never performed a sex-change operation. "He wanted his penis removed? Not his unusually large breasts?" said surgeon Sam Hastings. "Because he had these really big breasts, you know."

(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz)

Heat Kills 3,000 In France; Stench Kills 5,000

Fox to Air Who Wants to Marry Ted Williams' Unfrozen Head

Outage Rivals Great Blackout of 1776-1900

Time Machine to Be Used to Stop Macarena

Anchorman Masturbates to Thought of "Kobe Running for Governor"

Charles Taylor Forfeits Palace Security Deposit

Arnold Campaign Dumb, But Special Effects Awesome

Nader Gets Organically Grown Fruit Pie In Face

More headlines

Elect Arnold, Fight Christ-Killing Freemasons

Coleman Will Only Have to Guard Mall on Weekends If Elected

Saddam Had Death Star WMD

Homemade Go-Kart Goes Unfinished for Third Summer in a Row

CIA Says Latest NBC Nightly News is "Probably Authentic"

WASHINGTON (DPI) - After careful analysis of recordings from last night's broadcast of NBC Nightly News With Tom Brokaw, the CIA has announced it is 70 to 80 percent certain that the video is not a forgery. "We're pretty sure that was really Brokaw reading the news," said CIA spokesman Henry Thomas. "However, we again caution the public to wait for our findings before forming their own opinions regarding anything they see or hear."

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Shoeless Man Still Crying After Meeting Amputee

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Good Samaritan Cliff McGee tried yesterday to cheer up Lester Banks, a homeless and shoeless man, by taking him to the UCLA Medical Center's severe trauma ward. "He was on the street whining about having no shoes," said McGee. "So I figured he just needed to meet a man with no feet." Banks, however, was not encouraged, even after meeting a man who had lost both of his legs. "That greedy ingrate [Banks]," fumed McGee. "He was crying even harder when we left the hospital." Banks tried to explain. "I never wanted shoes, I just wanted a drink," he said. "But after seeing that messed-up shit, now I want a drink and some smack!"

(Reported by Otis Garcia)

Blah Blah Wake-Up Call Blah Blah Formidable Challenge Blah Blah

Old-Fashioned Gumption Blah Blah

Opinion: No, Your Joke Isn't Funny the Second Time Either and Yes, We Do "Get It"

Miami Dolphins Already Booking January Vacations

You May Already Have Been Elected Governor of California

Teen Gets First Period During First Period

This Headline Intentionally Left Blank

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