Florida to Use Interpretive Dance to Choose Next Governor
GAINESVILLE, Fla. (DPI) - Reacting to the upcoming recall election in
California, Florida Secretary of State Glenda E. Hood announced today that
the next governor of Florida will be determined by a "fair, open and
transparent" interpretive dance contest. "We worked hard to earn our
reputation as the wild and crazy election state," Hood said. "Too hard to
lose it to those West Coast posers and their 100-year-old recall laws."
Incumbent Gov. Jeb Bush announced plans to seek re-election and to enroll in a remedial modern dance class at Miami-Dade College.
(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)
Bush Sends Complaining U.S. Soldiers From Iraq to Liberia
MONROVIA, Liberia (DPI) - Angered by growing reports of discontent from
U.S. soldiers over extended tours of duty in Iraq, President Bush has
ordered all complaining soldiers sent to Liberia to serve as
peacekeepers. "'Waaah, we don't have enough water supplies.
Waaah, the Iraqis don't like us and keep shooting at us. Waaah!' Well
how do you like Africa, huh, cry-babies?" said Bush, who promised to continue
sending them into harm's way and cutting military pay and benefits until
the military stopped complaining and let him enjoy his photo
opportunities in peace.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Tuesday Catches Everyone Off Guard
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - "Holy shit! Tuesday already?" exclaimed one man, who
seemed to sum up the opinion of everyone. "No way is it Tuesday, I've
got so much fucking work to do," said another. "Damn." Others blamed the
day's unexpected arrival for missed deadlines and skipped appointments.
"No way am I scheduling anything important on a Tuesday ever again,"
lamented one woman. "I mean one day it's Monday and then whammo --
Tuesday smacks you right in the ass." According to etymologists, the word "Tuesday" comes from the Aramaic word "tuuhs," meaning
"child of Satan spitting in your face."
(Reported by Otis Garcia)
Man Wakes Up After Surgery to Find Penis Still There
HOUSTON (DPI) - Carl Banner was in shock after he awoke from penis removal
surgery this week to find his penis still there. Instead, the doctors removed his two
large breasts by mistake. "I've been taking female hormones and have saved
this sex-change surgery for years," said Banner. "Of COURSE my breasts were
big." Doctors who performed the procedure seemed confused, as that particular
hospital had never performed a sex-change operation. "He wanted his penis
Not his unusually large breasts?" said surgeon Sam Hastings. "Because he had
these really big breasts, you know."
(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz)
Heat Kills 3,000 In France; Stench Kills 5,000
Fox to Air Who Wants to Marry Ted Williams' Unfrozen Head
Outage Rivals Great Blackout of 1776-1900
Time Machine to Be Used to Stop Macarena
Anchorman Masturbates to Thought of "Kobe Running for Governor"
Charles Taylor Forfeits Palace Security Deposit
Arnold Campaign Dumb, But Special Effects Awesome
Nader Gets Organically Grown Fruit Pie In Face
Elect Arnold, Fight Christ-Killing Freemasons
Coleman Will Only Have to Guard Mall on Weekends If Elected
Saddam Had Death Star WMD
Homemade Go-Kart Goes Unfinished for Third Summer in a Row
CIA Says Latest NBC Nightly News is "Probably Authentic"
WASHINGTON (DPI) - After careful analysis of recordings from last
night's broadcast of NBC Nightly News With Tom Brokaw, the CIA has
announced it is 70 to 80 percent certain that the video is not a forgery.
"We're pretty sure that was really Brokaw reading the news," said CIA
spokesman Henry Thomas. "However, we again caution the public to wait for
our findings before forming their own opinions regarding anything they
see or hear."
(Reported by Mark Schmidt)
Shoeless Man Still Crying After Meeting Amputee
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Good Samaritan Cliff McGee tried yesterday to cheer
up Lester Banks, a homeless and shoeless man, by taking him to the UCLA
Medical Center's severe trauma ward. "He was on the street whining about
having no shoes," said McGee. "So I figured he just needed to meet a man
with no feet." Banks, however, was not encouraged, even after meeting a
man who had lost both of his legs. "That greedy ingrate [Banks]," fumed
McGee. "He was crying even harder when we left the hospital." Banks
tried to explain. "I never wanted shoes, I just wanted a drink," he said. "But
after seeing that messed-up shit, now I want a drink and some smack!"
(Reported by Otis Garcia)