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August 20, 2002

Germans Deem Disorderly Weather Unacceptable

DRESDEN, Germany (DPI) - As flood waters spilled into the city last week, angry German authorities chastised the Elbe River's behavior as "in no way orderly." "American rivers may overrun the land destroying property indiscriminately, but America is a lawless land," said civic planner Martin Gronberg. "Here, rivers are to remain in their beds. We will speak to this wayward water directly." Gronberg would not directly confirm the use of force, but noted giant boiling pots are at the ready, adding, "Ask the Blizzard of 1965 -- our only one, by the way -- if it is not just best to do what the weatherman predicts."

(Reported by Davejames)

Elvis Found Alive; Concerts Now Draw Millions

AT&T to Shut Down Flagging Telegraph Division

BASKING RIDGE, N.J. (DPI) - Citing progressively declining sales figures over the last 77 years, newly appointed AT&T President David Dorman announced today that the company would be closing the doors to its telegraph division by the end of the week. "The decision to release this division's remaining employee is based solely on the weak telegraph market that exists today, and should in no way be perceived as an attempt to disguise questionable bookkeeping practices," said Dorman. "Nor should the FTC, SEC or Congress feel the need to investigate yet another business giant, nor the FBI to take senior management away in handcuffs."

(Reported by Charles Gulledge)

Universal Finally Turns Profit for

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - After seven disappointing years, Universal Studios announced this week that they are finally in the black on Waterworld, the 1995 Kevin Costner bomb. "This week marks the beginning of a profit margin of 2 cents from receipts garnered by this film," said Universal spokesman Harland Warner. The film originally cost the studio $175 million, but only earned less than $10 million in its opening weekend in the U.S. But, said Warner, "thanks to 99-cent garage sales and the Salvation Army circulating the tapes, we're back in the money."

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

Craft Industry Reeling as Another Shop Shuttered

ONTARIO, N.Y. (DPI) - "People always told me, 'You're so good at crafts you should quit your job and sell them for a living,' So I figured, why not?" Connie Jaspers reminisced. Encouraged by friends, she left her secure secretarial job at Kodak and opened Connie's Country Craftique. But just four months and one going-out-of-business sale later, Jaspers closed her sponge-painted doors for good. "I don't mind having spent all that time making macrame plant hangers and 'Holy cow are you eating again?' refrigerator magnets," said Jaspers. "But I do wish that at least some of the people that told me to do this had actually shown up and bought something."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Royal Crown, Ben & Jerry's to Introduce Chunky Cherry Cola

NEW YORK (DPI) - Royal Crown Cola made its initial entry into the growing flavored cola market this week with a surprising strategic partnership with Ben & Jerry's. "With sales of Vanilla Coke and the new Lemon Pepsi taking off, we felt we needed to create a product that really stood out," said Margot Farsic, vice president of development for Royal Crown. Management called reaction to the new flavor, Cherries R. Cia, "disappointing," but Farsic said they are on the right track. She noted that their next product, New York Super Fudge Chunky Monkey-Up, is "a soda revolution waiting to happen just as soon as we figure out how to keep the walnuts from clogging the nozzles on the bottling machines."

(Reported by Allen Lindsey)

Child's Barbie Doll Gazing Saucily From Tub Ledge

Julia Child Admits Flaking Skin New Secret Ingredient

Roosevelt's Nose Grows During Bush's Mt. Rushmore Speech

Bin Laden Captured in Fake Sweepstakes Scam

UK Disapproves of American "Shaking Fists at Iraq" Campaign

Stock Market Report: Spiders! Get Them Off Me! Aaaahhh!!

CEOs Vouch for Financial Reports, Clean Underwear

No End in Sight to Rush Song

More headlines

Post Office Releases "Amateurs of American Photography" Stamp Series

Housewives Quietly Rejoicing as School Year Begins

WorldCom Admits to Overstating Tooth Fairy Earnings

NEW YORK (DPI) - WorldCom, the bankrupt telecommunications giant, dropped another bombshell on Wall Street today, admitting that it grossly overstated earnings from baby teeth placed under its pillow. "Turns out we didn't really earn $3.3 billion in quarters over the last 3 years, as reported in our financials," spokesman Rob Hadley confessed. "It was really more like a buck seventy-five." WorldCom shares plummeted as stock analysts began to question the reality of profits derived from the $2.7-billion "gifts from Gramma" and $4.8- billion "good report card bonuses."

(Reported by Joseph Moore)

Murphy Stock Continues to Tumble

Innuendo Triumphs In Trailer Park Floozy Competition

PENSACOLA, Fla. (DPI) - Team Innuendo defeated Team Repeat And Add "I Got Your" in the annual Pick Up a Trailer Floozy Competition last night. Team Repeat ran into early trouble when the conversation moved to faulty plumbing and backed it into the sexually dysfunctional-sounding, "I got your leaky faucet right here." Team Innuendo, seeing the opening, spun the conversation into a reference to "pipe length" and quickly leapt ahead. In a move of pure brilliance, Innuendo then sharply shifted talk of plumbing clean-up into a veiled allusion to use of a contraceptive sponge, while utterly destroying Team Repeating's chances by forcing it into the game-losing, "I've got your [receptacle for receiving sperm] right here." Team Innuendo will face Team Wolf Whistle in the finals.

(Reported by Davejames)

Orcs Replace Stormtroopers as Least Effective Minions

HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - Movie experts today declared that orcs are the least effective Minions of Darkness, displacing Imperial Stormtroopers from the top spot they'd held for a generation. "The inability of stormtroopers to hit the broad side of a bantha from point-blank range is well-documented, but it also must be remembered that they did play a role in the destruction of Jawa transport and the capture of Leia's shuttle," film expert Dwight Greenleaf explained. "About the only way an orc could do you harm is if its severed head fell on you."

(Reported by Joseph Moore)

Self-Congratulatory Award Show Producers Congratulate Selves
Record Level of Horror Attained as Diaper Sticks to Shoe
"TranEEZ" Hopes to Be First All-Girl Boy-Band
Defeated Pre-Schools to Vitamin-Fortify Paste
Elvis Tributes Fail to Note He Died on the Can After Years of Drug Abuse
Pluto Nash Set Made Entirely of Pressed Feces
Bogus Audiophile Unmasked After Requesting Hooters and Tweeters
Iraqi Opposition Leader to Provide American Military Land, Thinly Veiled Women
Beer Lowers Blood Pressure, Cholesterol According to Study by Beer Council
Study: Adolescents Shocked to Learn Springsteen Alive, Not Elvis

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