God Arrested for Sport-Fixing
ATHENS, Greece (DPI) - Undercover agents working at the behest of the
International Olympic Committee (IOC) arrested God today on charges of
attempting to influence the outcome of a sporting event. Although God was
long suspected of having a hand in everything from NBA finals to spelling
bees, it was difficult to gather substantial evidence. "Well, there's the
whole alias thing," said lead investigator Algot Svenson from
Bevland-Laklonia. "This guy hides behind more names than Sean Combs."
Further complicating matters was the manner in which God chose to provide
illegal help, much of it circuitous and indirect. "He works [his
activities] in mysterious ways," said Svenson. But the enforcement
agencies continued to keep an eye out as thousands of athletes continued
to thank God for his undefined help.
But like most who have gotten away with crime over long periods of
time, in this case centuries, God became more and more brazen before
ultimately slipping up and showing his hand. "Just six months ago in the
U.S., there was blatant manipulation - in this case we suspected angels
in the outfield of a baseball game - that proved God was getting sloppy,"
said Svenson. "And this time, he proved he had given up even trying to
make his ways opaque to the eyes of man."
The "this time" was the men's Olympic weight-lifting competition.
God's usual modus operandi, according to Svenson, is to provide the
winning athlete with a boost, increasing strength or speed. God, being the
Creator of the All, is always one step ahead of the latest testing
techniques, and divine intervention shows up nowhere in an athlete's
system. "But, as we suspected, the Olympics has become so large that this
level of micromanagement was not possible," he said. "So during the
weight-lifting he just took a short cut." The short cut was to smite all
other lifters except for Turk Halil Mutlu. "When lightning appears
indoors, forks off into 20 separates prongs at once, then kills only the
athletes, well, there's no where else to turn but God," Svenson said.
God, for his part, displayed a cocky attitude even as he was being
handcuffed. "I'm not particularly worried," the Creator said. "Jail gives
you three squares and a cot. And believe me, I'll get back at Svenson and
his lot. In fact, I may just turn back time and make sure the nation of
Bevland-Laklonia never comes into existence, he is never born, and I am
never arrested. That will teach him."
(Reported by Davejames)
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