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8/24/04

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God Arrested for Sport-Fixing


ATHENS, Greece (DPI) - Undercover agents working at the behest of the International Olympic Committee (IOC) arrested God today on charges of attempting to influence the outcome of a sporting event. Although God was long suspected of having a hand in everything from NBA finals to spelling bees, it was difficult to gather substantial evidence. "Well, there's the whole alias thing," said lead investigator Algot Svenson from Bevland-Laklonia. "This guy hides behind more names than Sean Combs." Further complicating matters was the manner in which God chose to provide illegal help, much of it circuitous and indirect. "He works [his activities] in mysterious ways," said Svenson. But the enforcement agencies continued to keep an eye out as thousands of athletes continued to thank God for his undefined help.

But like most who have gotten away with crime over long periods of time, in this case centuries, God became more and more brazen before ultimately slipping up and showing his hand. "Just six months ago in the U.S., there was blatant manipulation - in this case we suspected angels in the outfield of a baseball game - that proved God was getting sloppy," said Svenson. "And this time, he proved he had given up even trying to make his ways opaque to the eyes of man."

The "this time" was the men's Olympic weight-lifting competition. God's usual modus operandi, according to Svenson, is to provide the winning athlete with a boost, increasing strength or speed. God, being the Creator of the All, is always one step ahead of the latest testing techniques, and divine intervention shows up nowhere in an athlete's system. "But, as we suspected, the Olympics has become so large that this level of micromanagement was not possible," he said. "So during the weight-lifting he just took a short cut." The short cut was to smite all other lifters except for Turk Halil Mutlu. "When lightning appears indoors, forks off into 20 separates prongs at once, then kills only the athletes, well, there's no where else to turn but God," Svenson said.

God, for his part, displayed a cocky attitude even as he was being handcuffed. "I'm not particularly worried," the Creator said. "Jail gives you three squares and a cot. And believe me, I'll get back at Svenson and his lot. In fact, I may just turn back time and make sure the nation of Bevland-Laklonia never comes into existence, he is never born, and I am never arrested. That will teach him."



(Reported by Davejames)






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