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The Daily Probe Interview

This week's guest:

Frankenstein's Monster

Frankenstein's Monster recently announced his bid to run for president on the little known Monster Party ticket. He sat down with the Daily Probe to discuss various things on his mind.

Daily Probe: You've written a book called Frankenstein Not Kerrystein. I take it your resemblance to the senator has become an issue for you.

Frankenstein's Monster: That's right. Because I am often mistaken for John Kerry, people assume we are very much alike. I needed to set the record straight.

DP: Well, what are some of these differences?

FM: Fewer hair products, to begin with. [Laughs] Seriously, though, let's take health care. I am from the school that a simple elevated platform, lightning rods, sewing string, and grave-digging shovels should take care of a lifetime of healthcare needs. Together, they cost $900 per person, not the thousands upon thousands the senator proposes with his sweeping and costly agenda.

DP: I see.

FM: And terrorism. Fire is the real WMD. A torch in the hands of a terrorist should be a top concern. Yet nowhere in all of his speeches, or Bush's for that matter, do I hear the word "fire" mentioned.

DP: Probably not. People of your generation are all asked the "Vietnam question." Your record is unclear.

FM: It doesn't fit in a sound bite, that's why. Many of my parts were robbed from veterans' graveyards. So while my brain did indeed remain stateside in a protester, much of my body was in combat. This makes me the perfect leader, as I understand both sides of war clearly.

DP: Speaking of both sides, as both an abomination of God and a perversion of science, you are running into resistance from the Religious Right and the scientifically progressive left. Those who don't fear you loathe you, and only very young children - a non-voting bloc - seem to hold no fear of you. What demographic are you shooting for?

FM: Well, I think that's a bit strong. I think you will find as the Democrats and Republicans merge into basically one party, people are searching--

DP: I don't think I'm overstating here. The only thing that polls lower than re-animated corpses are stitched-together reanimated corpses. And the response, "Vomit with intense fear" is one--

FM: Frankenstein grow angry.

DP: OK. Let's change the subject. Your wife, the Bride of Frankenstein, recently told a reporter she would dismember him, which was all caught on camera. While many applaud strong women who stand up to--

FM: [Low growl] Frankenstein grow very, very angry.

DP: Well, um ... look at the time. Your campaign manager is waving the tranquilizer gun, which I believe is the signal telling me this interview has come to an end. Thanks for your time, Frankenstein's Monster.

FM: Not at all, it was my pleasure.

(Transcribed by Davejames)

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