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Ask Zarxnol

The Daily Probe is happy to introduce Ask Zarxnol as a service to its readers with child-raising concerns.
Zarxnol was the premier child psychologist on his home planet Xargolia before being called to the service of his Warrior-God Xargol as a conqueror of lesser worlds.

Dear Zarxnol,

At bedtime lately, my sweet 2-year-old, Timmy, turns into a holy terror. He screams and throws fits until I finally relent and let him stay up, just so I can put an end to the madness. What's a mom to do about a little monster like this?

Frustrated in Fresno


Frustrated: You do indeed have quite the untenable predicament -- a battle of wills with one too young to understand the concept of authority. This Timmy, he sounds like one of strong will. Have you taken into consideration Timmy's point of view? That he may be right in wanting to stay up past this bedtime you "enforce"? That since his will is obviously stronger than yours, he should be dictating the rules?

Miss Trated, since his time of birth, Timmy has had everything done on his behalf. He is without responsibility, thus free to spend his time as he sees fit. Whenever he wants anything, all he needs to do is press your appropriate emotional buttons and you do his bidding. Although you delude yourself into believing you are the authority figure in the household, actions bear out that Timmy is truly the Lord and Master of your Fresnopian domain. Lo, is this comical!

Pathetic humans, you amuse me. Your concept of child discipline is sitting them in a time-out area, denying them wholly unearned privileges and treats, or on the rare occasion, rapping them lightly on a diaper-padded bottom. Temporarily, Timmy may be surprised that his adult servant would rebel in such a manner, but once he is given a tearful, guilt-ridden hug and lollipop, confidence in his abject dominion is reassured!

Fool! He knows your will is weak! He knows you would never, say, deny him all nourishment until he bends to your demands, or turn him out into the street for failing to adhere to the behavioral principles of your picket-fenced empire! This maternal compassion you ooze will never allow you to correct improper childhood behavior in an effective, permanent manner! I am torn between laughing at your inadequacy and finding this Fresno to eviscerate you in Timmy's presence to teach him true strength!



Dear Zarxnol,

My 4-year-old, Ashlee, has recently relapsed in her potty training. I know this is common when there is a major change such as a new baby or a divorce, but Steve and I are still happily married and Ashlee is our one and only child. What could cause such regressive behavior, and how can I set her on the right track?

Flummoxed in Farmington


Such weakness! It is to make me entertain asking why Xargol would send me to such a planet of simpering recreants! Once my army rises from the sea, it will be a matter of mere days to conquer this wretched species!

Regarding your meager concern, Flum, since the children of this planet are merely human pets -- stupid, coddled, irresponsible yet sovereign -- I suggest you discipline your Ashlee as you would a loose-bowelled puppy. Should she soil her underclothing in your presence, remove the befouled garment from her torso so as to rub her insolent face in the excrement. Once she connects the sight, smell and flavor of her feces to your angry action, she will be much less likely to repeat the offensive behavior.

Now leave me, inferiors. I must tend to my conquering-forces-in-waiting.


Send your questions to Zarxnol at:

(Translated by Carl Knorr)

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