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August 26, 2003

For the next two weeks, the entire staff of the Daily Probe will be doing
first-hand research for an upcoming feature on Thailand's illegal sex trade.
We will be back with a new issue on September 16.

Kobe Out, LeBron In as Sprite Seeks "Less Rapey" Image

ATLANTA (DPI) - The Coca-Cola Co. has replaced Sprite pitchman Kobe Bryant with newcomer LeBron James in an effort to make the drink's image a "little less rapey," according to Coca-Cola spokesman Avner Catrell. "Extensive testing in the market place shows consumers want a soft drink to be low on sexual assaultiness and high on flavor," said Catrell. Coca-Cola acted fast to pull the Bryant ads, still smarting from the massive sales drop of the highly wife-beaty Mr. Pibb. Adding further insurance, Sprite put a strict "no rape" clause to last the duration of James' contract. "[James] has assured us he knows the damage a rapey way of life can cause to a product, the company's board, and his endorsement future overall," said Catrell.

(Reported by Davejames)

Alabama Judge Erects Statue of Jesus Mooning Supreme Court

MONTGOMERY, Ala. (DPI) - Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore erected a statue of Jesus showing his naked rear end to a replica of the U.S. Supreme Court building after a federal court ordered him to remove a monument depicting the Ten Commandments from the courthouse. "I may not be able to declare Alabama's allegiance to God's law, but I can sure declare Jesus' rectal opinion of federal law," said Moore. His critics argue that displaying only Jesus' naked buttocks unconstitutionally promotes Christian mooning and suggest that Moore either remove the statue or add statues of other pantsless historical figures.

(Reported by Simon Paul)

"Chemical Ali" Still Alive, Eating Brains

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - In a great shock to the coalition forces -- and to local Iraqis -- Saddam Hussein's cousin "Chemical Ali" Hassan al-Majid was captured alive last week, months after he was widely believed killed in an April airstrike. "He was just wondering the streets mumbling the word 'brains' over and over again," said U.S. Army Captain Leo Knowles. "Plus he was buying brains from any street vendor that had brains to sell." The Pentagon has announced that it will now verify the living state of other people they believe to be dead, including Uday and Qusay Hussein, Carroll O'Connor, and the entire cast of Poltergeist.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Israel to Try Making Peace With Peorians

PEORIA, Ill. (DPI) - Giving up on efforts to make peace with the Palestinians, Israel has announced its intention to come to a peace agreement with the people of Peoria, Ill. "I have heard many good things about the Peorian people and am confident that they will embrace a comprehensive agreement in which they will forswear any hostile acts against the state of Israel," said Prime Minister Ariel Sharon. "I understand that the Peorians currently live in peace with the people of Chicago and Springfield. This is a hopeful sign." Peoria Mayor Charles Dobbelaire disclaimed any responsibility for recent attacks against Israel and promised Sharon good seats for Sunday's Corn Festival.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Attention-Starved Sweden Celebrates Nazis

STOCKHOLM, Sweden (DPI) - Sweden's monarchy has officially endorsed the Aryan Tjoords, a little-known, indigenous neo-Nazi skinhead organization. "Hey, look at us, world!" said Per Johanessan, palace spokesman for King Gustaf. "Sweden isn't just about stylish, affordable home furnishings and exceedingly safe automobiles. Sweden is also about breaking stuff, getting tattoos and whatever else it is that neo-Nazis do!" European sociopolitical pundits summarily dismissed the move as a pathetic attempt by the ultra-bland country to get a little attention on the increasingly violent and ribald world stage. "What? No!" countered Johanessan. "We Swedes love our neo-Nazis! Really! Can't get enough of them. You can quote me on that. Why aren't you writing any of this down???"

(Reported by Brad Osberg)

Hamas Requests Next "Roadmap to Peace" Be Softer, 2-Ply

Blackout Has Kansas Rethinking This Whole Electricity Thing

Bustamante to Face Freddy Vs. Jason Winner

Ozzy Forgets Words, Meds

Mars Specialist Closer to Getting Date Than at Any Time in Last 60,000 Years

Heroic Toledo Residents Resume Heroically Living in Toledo

Malaysian Economy Sagging Under Weight of Illegal, Unwanted Hulk DVDs

Idi Amin Pall Bearers Tortured

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Jesus: I "Sure as Hell Wouldn't" Drive SUV

DETROIT (DPI) - In a surprise statement, Jesus, Son of God and Savior of the World, this week ended the speculation of millions of faithful and announced what he would drive. "Well, for one thing, I sure as hell wouldn't be driving that fat-ass SUV," he said. "Slapping a Jesus fish on the eye-level bumper of a three-ton earth-raping rolling death threat doesn't make it Christian. And don't give me that 'safer' crap. Safer for whom? Certainly not your less-pretentious neighbors who drive small, practical cars like I would have." Jesus also said to "put the cell phone away when you drive -- I'm not kidding. We've been batting around that whole 'plague of boils' concept. Don't tempt us."

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)

Human Rights Watch Targets China's "Reality Torture TV"

NEW YORK (DPI) - Human Rights Watch announced today it was targeting the "unconscionable actions" of China's state-run television station in airing the reality program The Falun Gong Show, in which government officials ask suspected subversives, "Are you a member of the Falun Gong?" Contestants who answer "yes" are tortured and executed. Those who answer "no" are tortured and given a complimentary book of Chairman Mao's sayings.

(Reported by Jim Rosenberg)

New Yorker Still Walking Home After Blackout

NEW YORK (DPI) - Out-of-touch New Yorker James Weller is still walking home to Great Neck, Long Island. When the blackout hit two weeks ago and Weller realized his cell phone couldn't call home, Weller turned it off and began the 20-mile walk home. Unaware that the blackout has long since ended, Weller currently is five miles from home, having slowed his pace considerably without a steady supply of food or water, not knowing he can now use his credit card. "It's like those Japanese soldiers who didn't know the war was over," said New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg. "For several years, we'll see guys trickling home to the Hamptons."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Guy With Solar Panels on Roof Still a Tool

Islamic Militants Run Out of GDub Effigies to Burn; Forced to Recycle Dad's Effigies

Gibson's Braveheart 2 to Depict Scottish Victory Over Jews

W. Va. Woman Barely Missed by Sniper at Convenience Store; Also Loses Lotto

Dell Interns Cut in First-Round Interviews

#Political Headline 461-c Failed to Generate#

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