August 27, 2002
Gaddafi Draws Raves in Tripoli Production of The Birdcage
Compilation Album Getting Progressively Worse
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - A compilation compact disc purchased yesterday from
a used CD shop has begun a tragic downward spiral, sources report.
The first few songs by REM and U2 gave hope that some quality could
continue throughout the album, but unfortunately Midnight Oil and The
Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy soon followed. While just the names of
artists such as The Jesus and Mary Chain gave hope for some recovery,
poor recordings of obscure
studio throw-outs insured there would be no turn for the better.
Although the CD is not yet done playing, remaining bands such as EMF and
Boo-Yaa T.R.I.B.E. will certainly only lengthen and intensify this
album's painful demise.
(Reported by Mark Schmidt)
Bush to Ease Water-Wasting Laws to Prevent Flooding
WASHINGTON (DPI) -- Soon after changing laws to allow more logging,
which is expected to reduce forest fires, President George W. Bush blamed the
increase in global flooding on an abundance of water: "We have too many
rules preventing people from using water, and too much water
conservation has led to this great amount of water in other parts of the
world, and that means flooding," he said. Among the proposals to increase
consumption are laws requiring car-washing once a day and penalties for
dry lawns. Bush concluded, "Every low-flow toilet here means another
flood in China."
(Reported by Mark Schmidt)
Online Service Staff Uninterested in Love
LEOMINSTER, Mass. (DPI) - Computer geek Jody LaFerriere
today confirmed that starting a sexy conversation with the
staff of the HP chat-based tech support website is not as easy as one would
"I asked the guy what he was wearing, and he asked me if my connection to my
DSL modem was going through a router," said LaFerriere. Later "Dean" the HP
told LaFerriere he was leaving for lunch and that she'd have a different
Analyst take over. "I thought Dean and I had something special, and now
Rodney," said LaFerriere. The HP staff did help LaFerriere
update her BIOS, even if she didn't make a "love match."
(Reported by Jody LaFerriere)
Authorities Powerless to Save Child from Jacko's Grasp
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Observers were stunned when Michael Jackson appeared
with a new baby boy in tow this week. The identity of the child's mother is
a mystery and Jackson has announced that his name will be Prince Michael
III. Quick-thinking authorities detained Michael with promises of a "funny
monkey in glitter pants" while they checked the website of the National
Center For Missing and Exploited Children. However, failing to find an
abducted child whose description matched the one in Jackson's care, they
were forced to let him go.
(Reported by Brian Jones)
Dagnab Coots Stuck on Daggum Issue
MEMPHIS (DPI) - The United Conference of Old Coots recessed today
without resolving the divisive issue of whether to use "Dagummit" or
"Dagnabbit" as the official exclamation of its members. Continuation of
the more traditional "Dagummit" is favored by the powerful Western
faction, but thought to be too old fashioned by many in attendance.
"It's about roots," said one unnamed
Western coot. "Half of us are sober most of the time, don't shoot
guns in the air anymore, and wear shoes like a farmer." Despite this major
sticking point, the
conference did make progress, voting to let women join depending on their
ability in "rifle shootin'," "pipe
smokin'" and use of a frying pan as a personal weapon.
(Reported by Davejames)
Breaking News: CNN Still Has Those al Qaeda Tapes
Hip Event Planners to Meet at Paloozapalooza '02
Three Scrumptious Hots and A Luxurious Cot Featured In Martha Stewart Living
Blue Crush Awash in a Wave of B-cups
God Pissed at Viewers for Worshipping American Idol
Loners Pledge to Try Not to Massacre Any Popular Students This Year
Vending Machine Eats Quarter, Absorbs Beating
Toledo Couple Enters Fifth Hour of Menu Deliberations
Floods Provide First Baths for Many Germans All Year
Hurricane Andrew Back in Florida for 10th Anniversary
Little League Players' Union Threatens Strike
XXX Tops Teen Critics' Greatest Movies List
Tourist: Niagara Falls "Too Touristy"
NIAGARA FALLS, Ontario (DPI) - Bob Donaldson, a
machinist from Syracuse, is feeling disillusioned by
the "scourge of commerciality" that has infected
Niagara Falls. "Planet Hollywood. The Hard Rock Cafe. What a bunch of
crap. When I was a kid, they didn't have all of this. Now, the place is a
Donaldson continued, "The only things
that were here back then were the Guinness Book of
World Records Museum, Ripley's Believe It or Not
Museum, the Hollywood Wax Museum, the Frankenstein
Haunted House, bus tours, boat tours, and dozens of
overpriced restaurants and visitor centers
that tried to sell you a tourism package. And
the splendor of the falls."
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Truancy Passed Off as Political Boycott
MARIANNA, Ark. (DPI) Students in Marianna were delighted to
discover their absence from school was a politically motivated
boycott. Said Marianna sophomore Clint Roarke, "I thought weed was the
didn't make it to class, but it turns out that my sleeping under a tree
was a stance against cronyism in the school board election system."
Other students were surprised to learn that
gathering during school hours was actually a protest against potential
redistricting. "I feel like I'm defending my civil
rights while playing air hockey," said senior Mark Anton. "Now that we know
we're all political and stuff," said Anton, "we're
not going back until the Chinese ease up on those guys in that one place."
(Reported by Davejames)
Bush's Iraq War Plans Fail to Persuade Joan Rivers
WASHINGTON (DPI) - In a Wall Street Journal editorial yesterday, Joan
Rivers warned, "An attack on Iraq at this time
would seriously jeopardize the global counter-terrorist
campaign we have undertaken." Rivers added, "And George, please! Those
denim shirts! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Mommas, don't let your babies grow up to
be pretend cowboy Presidents!" Rivers' criticism has particular
meaning for Bush because Rivers was virtually a member of the family during
his father's term and has continued to
advise the elder Bush on matters of fashion and home shopping. Said
Rivers, "Iraq is no pushover, not like my friend Heidi Abromowitz. Oh,
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Schoolkids Gear Up for Thousands of Hours of Soul-Killing Tedium
Court Forces WNBA To Use Quotations Around Word "Highlights"
Study: X-Ray Specs Don't Work For Shit, Dude
American, Iraqi Kids Prepare for Possible Thumb War
Daily E-mail Messages Remind Entire Discussion List That Mark Levine is Out of the Office Starting 08/24/2002 and Will Not Return Until 09/09/2002 |
Palestinian Bumper Sticker Proclaims: "My Son Blew Up Your Honor Student"
Nostalgia Grips Elderly: "I Miss My Pants"
Argentina To Sell Itself on E-Bay
LAPD Celebrates Beating-Free Month
Church Angered Over Non-Priest Sex Act in NYC
Tiger Woods Loses, Probably All Washed Up