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September 3, 2002

Trojan Discontinues Lord of the Rings Condoms

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Trojan, the nation's largest condom manufacturer, will discontinue its series of Lord of the Rings condoms, company officials announced this week. "Despite the success of the movie and our numerous promotional booths at comicons and Tolkien Society meetings throughout the country, the Lord of the Rings series has been an inexplicable failure," said Trojan president Bert Fowler. Although sales figures for the fantasy-based prophylactics did not meet Trojan's goals, more than a few Tolkien fans purchased the Elvish-scripted condoms. "I bought a pack of ribbed Gandalfs," said Dan Murphy of Columbia, SC. "I put them on my bookshelf between my autographed Dr. Who script and my Babylon 5 action mug."

(Reported by Mike McKenna, Graphic by Brandon Carr)

Pilots Strike in Midair

NEW YORK (DPI) - Two Mid-Coastal Airlines pilots walked off the job halfway through Flight 437 from Los Angeles to New York yesterday, sitting down in first class and leaving passengers to fend for themselves. The company's ground-based management had refused the pilots' immediate demand for a 10-percent increase in salary. The plane was eventually landed by 68-year-old passenger Edna Westport, whose only previous flying experience was being a big fan of the Hot Shots and Iron Eagle movies. The landing was uneventful except for a scare as yarn became tangled in the control yoke. Contract negotiations with the pilots are to continue.

(Reported by Dave Henry)

Administration Floods Iraq With Taunt-O-Grams

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Unnamed sources today revealed the Bush Administration has already unleashed a secret campaign of Taunt-O-Grams against Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. For months, professional hecklers have been arriving at the palace door to strut about, taunting the Iraqi leader in an effort to make him do something rash enough to lead the U.S. into war unilaterally. So far, despite repeatedly being told that his mustache resembles a used shoeshine brush and that his mother likes to show her large ankles in public, Hussein has done nothing more provocative than shoot the taunter. Sources say the next step is to have an agent infiltrate Hussein's eating area and grab his Eggo toaster waffle every morning as he is reaching for it.

(Reported by Davejames)

Speculation on Flag Market Grows Following Last September's Trend

NEW YORK (DPI)- Speculation on American flag futures is growing in response to last year's trends. "Looking back at last year's market, flag sales went up an amazing 2500 percent near the middle of September, so like Christmas sales in December and home sales in May, it seems September is a peak time for flag sales," said one investor. "With thousands of dollars worth of flags stored up, I expect to retire after this year's flag boom." According to WorldCom accountants, executives have invested $25 million in nearly eight flags.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

Theaters Complain Master of Disguise Smell Won't Come Out of Seats

AOL Users Duped by AOL Execs, Life in General

Medical Marijuana Restrictions Declared "Bogus," "Heavy"

3 Injured as Neck Vein Bursts at Springsteen Concert

Systems Administrator Successfully Manages Sarcasm-Free Answer

Fellow Shoppers THIS Close to Disciplining Your Kids

Friday Arrives, Atheists Have No One to

War Memorial Honors World War II, or
Maybe I

Victim's Family Wants Privacy, Says Family Press Agent

Meteorologist/Doctor Forecasts 99-Degree Rectal Temperature

Potato up Nose as Scary as Impressive

More headlines

Brent Scowcroft Can Kiss My Black Ass

Daily Probe Fall CD Release Preview

US Publications Now Readable by Koko the Gorilla

NEW YORK (DPI) - With the dumbing down of Rolling Stone magazine, vocabulary used in the typical U.S. publication will be less than that of the now deceased Koko the gorilla. With a sign language of more than 1,000 words, Koko was famous for fusing American Sign Language (ASL) and her own symbols. With a core vocabulary of approximately 240 sex-related and 210 violence-related words, the average domestic publication now communicates less than the famous lowland gorilla. Koko was able to tell researchers, "Koko want fresh fruit, very good to eat." Popular men's magazine Maxim, by contrast, is able to communicate only, "Tits big." Mamie Alfredson, spokesperson for the Assocation of American Publishers, said, "TEN HOT NEW SUMMER LOOKS!"

(Reported by Jim Rosenberg)


New-Look Nerds Packing the Fanny

CHICAGO (DPI) - For the first time in 20 years, the American Institute for the Study of Geeks has updated its "Nerd in the Wild" profile. Gone are the horn-rimmed glasses and cheap tennis shoes, said institute spokesman Charles Tsung. "We placed video cameras outside of Disney Stores for a year to get a more accurate profile." While geeks are varied, they could all be identified by one item: fanny packs used to haul around gadgets and nasal sprays. Says Tsung, "we can place tracking devices in the lining of the packs and get far more pinpointed movements in the wild than our experiment tracking minivans."

(Reported by Davejames)

Hussein, bin Laden Top People Magazine "Least Jiggy" List
Congress Backs Bush Plan to Oust Kirstie Alley From Pier One Ads
Pakistani Leader Regrets Calling His Government "Temporary Hitlocracy"
Aromatherapy "Highly Effective" Among People Who Believe That Shit
Viewing of The Full Monty Confirms: That's one Big-Ass TV You Got There
Urinating Man Issues Amber Alert for Alley Behind Bar
Pessimistic Masochist Tied Down; Optimistic Masochist Tied Up
NASA Set to Launch Comet Probe Probe
"If I Were a Woman, I'd Fuck Brad Pitt" Comment Disturbs Friends
College Town Courts Clear Dockets in Anticipation of Football Season
CIA: Al Qaeda May Be in Iran, Iraq, International Space Station, Gilligan's Island, crawl space, Wal-Mart
Comedy Central Reports 21% Drop in Dick Joke Industrial Average

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