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September 7, 2004

Cambodian Whore Confirms Kerry's Story

PHNOM PENH, Cambodia (DPI) - Yes, yes. I remember. Big face. Big head. Big thing. Ask how much I make. I remember. Flip-flop me. Nice Joe. He here. Me take picture.

(Reported by Mr. Sun)

Bush, Kerry Blame Each Other for Frances

SOME FUCKING SWING STATE (DPI) - President George W. Bush and his presidential challenger, Sen. John Kerry, continued their heated campaign rhetoric today, each accusing the other of being behind the devastation wrought by Hurricane Frances. Kerry fifed the first volley, saying, "After three and a half years of the George Bush presidency, we are no safer from hurricanes than we were back in 1969 when I was saving lives and winning medals in Vietnam." The president was quick to respond: "Senator Kerry said he was against hurricanes. Then he said he was *for* them. Now he says he's *against* them again. I've always been against hurricanes, and I haven't let the polls change my mind on this, even when they showed that the majority of Americans supported hurricanes."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Zell Miller Backs Nader, Sharpton, Nimoy, Others for President

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Georgia Democratic Gov. Zell Miller has changed his support for President Bush at least 11 times since he served as keynote speaker at the recent Republican National Convention. "I guess we shouldn't have been surprised by the flip-flop," said GOP policy strategist Karl Rove. "After all, the guy just spoke in support of Clinton in '92, and heartily supported John Kerry on his own website." Since the GOP convention concluded, Miller has supported numerous presidential hopefuls. including candidates from the Libertarian Party, Prohibition Party, Socialist Worker's Party and Star Trek Party, as well as new-age singer Yanni. Political pundits predict that Miller may also support candidates from the Whig Party, a member of the Flat Earth Society and a "Seasonal Offerings" basket from the Fruit-of-the-Month Club.

(Reported by Chuck Sawyer)

Bono Seeks U.N. Aid After Being Diagnosed With "Asner's Syndrome"

(Graphic by Tristan Fabriani)

Found Shaker of Salt Implicates Buffett

MARGARITAVILLE (DPI) - Florida police today recovered a shaker of salt, long thought to be lost, as part of an ongoing investigation. The salt shaker is believed to be key in a pending case. "The importance of this evidence to the state cannot be overstated," Detective Ellis Dee said at a press conference. "DNA tests run off the shaker have cleared a woman some claimed were to blame and implicated the owner of the salt shaker himself, one Jimmy Buffet." The singer was taken into custody earlier today while lunching on a cheeseburger at the Paradise Cafe. When asked to comment, Buffet simply shook his head and said, "It's my own damn fault." Rumors that the evidence may also help to break the still-unsolved murder of a sheriff's deputy remain unverified.

(Reported by RM Weiner)

Heart Disease Victims for Truth Claim Clinton Only Had Triple Bypass

New Evidence Suggests Ties Between Bush and Cheney

Floridians Downgraded to Soggy Whiners

White House Denies Link to Swift Boat Vet Ads, Except for Guy They Just Fired

Putin Just Killing People Till He Gets Some Answers

Next NASA Project Attempts Manned Flight to Cleveland

Vijay Singh Named Fiji Sportsman of the Year

WMDs Discovered Hidden Under Rulon Gardner's Man-Teats

Republicans Demand New York They Saw on Friends

Porn Actresses File Complaint Over Taste of Low-Carb Spoo

You People Are Mad If You Think Vader Couldn't Take the Borg Queen

Hulk All Talk, No Smash

Could You Terrorists Please Hire a Media Consultant?

Daily Probe Conversation With Arnold van Heuten

527 Groups Reach Compromise Agreement

Become a Radical Cleric in Weeks!
Just Ask Sauke al-Futali!

Mortifed Republicans Hire Bruce Vilanch

WASHINGTON (DPI) - The Republican party has decided to bring in the big comedy guns, hiring legendary Oscar writer Bruce Vilanch to punch-up its humor. When speaker after speaker at the Republican National Convention assaulted Americans with unimaginative punch lines and bone-shudderingly tired clichés, the GOP decided it was time for a change. "Apart from the hearty chuckle we all got over the souvenir John Kerry 'flip-flops' for sale at the convention, things were pretty drab," said RNC Chairman Ed Gillespie. "With $250 million at hand, we figured we could hire at least one speechwriter who's familiar with this 'humor' technique. When Arnold started calling the Democrats 'girlie men' and saying he'll 'terminate' them, I knew it was time to get on the horn to Hollywood." Gillespie asked the media not to dwell on Vilanch's homosexuality.

(Reported by Ken Martin/Tristan Fabriani)

Bush: Increased Poverty Rate Gives More the Chance to Rise from Poverty

WASHINGTON (DPI) - As the U.S. Census Bureau reported ranks of the poor and uninsured rose for the third straight year, President Bush today noted that this was a wonderful time for Americans. "My Administration has given the American people a unique chance to escape poverty and reverse declining income [trends] in numbers not seen in recent history," said Bush at a campaign stop. Bush deflected criticism that the losses were created by his economic policy, calling it "terror talk." "Much like you have to spend a dollar to make a dollar, America has to lose jobs to make jobs," said the president.

(Reported by Davejames)

Informercial Industry Celebrates End of Olympics

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. (DPI) - People who make their living from infomercials are exuberantly celebrating the conclusion of the Olympic Games in Athens. "It's very tough to keep the attention of insomniacs at 4 a.m. against powerhouse programming like the Olympics," said Tony Morgan, announcer for Mop'n'MopAgain. "We were forced to compete with events such as the South Korea vs. Angola soccer game, Yngling-class sailing and men's field hockey." Already, certain sectors have seen growth, with sales of various forms of hair-in-a-can up nearly 50 percent and tapes of things going wild nearly doubling compared to the same time last week.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

Corpse Stages Upset Win in Chechnya

GROZNY, Chechnya (DPI) - With 85 percent of votes counted in Sunday's national presidential elections, the corpse of Vladi Romnikoff has defeated rival Alu Alkhanov, who was backed by the Kremlin and favored to win. According to a high-level source within Chechnya's government, "With the current atmosphere of plane bombings and of course the assignation of previous President Akhmad Kadyrov, who was assassinated by separatists in a bomb attack last May, we figured. why delay the inevitable?"

(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz)

Bush Administration Warned Not to Laugh at Kerry

Report: Black Republican Delegate Sold TV Advertising Space on His Forehead

Iraqi Soccer Team Throws Welcome-Home Torture Party Out of Habit

Rumsfeld Wonders If Iran Is Talking to Him

That's Right, Romeo, That Was Her Penis

Kerry Okays Iran Nuke-Building After Promise Not to Nuke U.S.

Bush Twins Take on Women's Beach Volleyball Champs in My Wanking Fantasy

"Compassionate" Schwarzenegger Promises to Kill Kerry Last

Greeks Can't Believe They Spent $33 Million on Security for Badminton

John 3:16 Nutjob Posts Bail for Olympic Marathon Nutjob

"Gyros/Heroes" Retired to Pun Hall of Fame

Bush Twins Stroked To

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