Cambodian Whore Confirms Kerry's Story
PHNOM PENH, Cambodia (DPI) - Yes, yes. I remember. Big face. Big head.
Big thing. Ask how much I make. I remember. Flip-flop me. Nice Joe. He here.
Me take picture.
(Reported by Mr. Sun)
Bush, Kerry Blame Each Other for Frances
SOME FUCKING SWING STATE (DPI) - President George W. Bush and his
presidential challenger, Sen. John Kerry, continued their heated campaign
rhetoric today, each accusing the other of being behind the devastation
wrought by Hurricane Frances. Kerry fifed the first volley,
saying, "After three and a half years of the George Bush presidency, we are
no safer from hurricanes than we were back in 1969 when I was saving lives
and winning medals in Vietnam." The president was quick to respond:
"Senator Kerry said he was against hurricanes. Then he said he was *for*
them. Now he says he's *against* them again. I've always been against
hurricanes, and I haven't let the polls change my mind on this, even when
they showed that the majority of Americans supported hurricanes."
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Zell Miller Backs Nader, Sharpton, Nimoy, Others for President
WASHINGTON (DPI) - Georgia Democratic Gov. Zell Miller has changed his
support for President Bush at least 11 times since he served as keynote
speaker at the recent Republican National Convention. "I guess we shouldn't
have been surprised by the flip-flop," said GOP policy strategist Karl
Rove. "After all, the guy just spoke in support of Clinton in '92, and
heartily supported John Kerry on his own website." Since the GOP convention
concluded, Miller has supported numerous presidential hopefuls. including
candidates from the Libertarian Party, Prohibition Party, Socialist
Worker's Party and Star Trek Party, as well as new-age singer Yanni. Political pundits
predict that Miller may also support candidates from the Whig Party, a
member of the Flat Earth Society and a "Seasonal Offerings" basket from the
(Reported by Chuck Sawyer)
Bono Seeks U.N. Aid After Being Diagnosed With "Asner's Syndrome"
(Graphic by Tristan Fabriani)
Found Shaker of Salt Implicates Buffett
MARGARITAVILLE (DPI) - Florida police today recovered a shaker of salt,
long thought to be lost, as part of an ongoing investigation. The salt
shaker is believed to be key in a pending case. "The importance of this
evidence to the state cannot be overstated," Detective Ellis Dee said at a
press conference. "DNA tests run off the shaker have cleared a woman some
claimed were to blame and implicated the owner of the salt shaker himself,
one Jimmy Buffet." The singer was taken into custody earlier today while
lunching on a cheeseburger at the Paradise
Cafe. When asked to comment, Buffet simply shook his head and said,
"It's my own damn fault." Rumors that the evidence may also help to break
the still-unsolved murder of a sheriff's deputy remain unverified.
(Reported by RM Weiner)
Heart Disease Victims for Truth Claim Clinton Only Had Triple Bypass
New Evidence Suggests Ties Between Bush and Cheney
Floridians Downgraded to Soggy Whiners
White House Denies Link to Swift Boat Vet Ads, Except for Guy They Just Fired
Putin Just Killing People Till He Gets Some Answers
Next NASA Project Attempts Manned Flight to Cleveland
Vijay Singh Named Fiji Sportsman of the Year
WMDs Discovered Hidden Under Rulon Gardner's Man-Teats
Republicans Demand New York They Saw on Friends
Porn Actresses File Complaint Over Taste of Low-Carb Spoo
You People Are Mad If You Think Vader Couldn't Take the Borg Queen
Hulk All Talk, No Smash
Could You Terrorists Please Hire a Media Consultant?
Daily Probe Conversation With Arnold van Heuten
527 Groups Reach Compromise Agreement
Mortifed Republicans Hire Bruce Vilanch
WASHINGTON (DPI) - The Republican party has decided to bring in the big
comedy guns, hiring legendary Oscar writer Bruce Vilanch to punch-up its
humor. When speaker after speaker at the Republican National
Convention assaulted Americans with unimaginative punch lines and
bone-shudderingly tired clichés, the GOP decided it was time
for a change. "Apart from the hearty chuckle we all got over the souvenir
John Kerry 'flip-flops' for sale at the convention, things were
pretty drab," said RNC Chairman Ed Gillespie. "With $250 million
at hand, we figured we could hire at least one speechwriter who's
familiar with this 'humor' technique. When Arnold started
calling the Democrats 'girlie men' and saying he'll 'terminate'
them, I knew it was time to get on the horn to Hollywood."
Gillespie asked the media not to dwell on Vilanch's homosexuality.
(Reported by Ken Martin/Tristan Fabriani)
Bush: Increased Poverty Rate Gives More the Chance to Rise from Poverty
WASHINGTON (DPI) - As the U.S. Census Bureau reported ranks of the poor and
uninsured rose for the third straight year, President Bush today noted that
this was a wonderful time for Americans. "My Administration has given the
American people a unique chance to escape poverty and reverse declining
income [trends] in numbers not seen in recent history," said
Bush at a campaign stop. Bush deflected criticism that the losses
were created by his economic policy, calling it "terror talk." "Much like
you have to spend a dollar to make a dollar, America has to lose jobs to
make jobs," said the president.
(Reported by Davejames)
Informercial Industry Celebrates End of Olympics
BAKERSFIELD, Calif. (DPI) - People who make their living from infomercials
are exuberantly celebrating the conclusion of the Olympic Games in Athens.
"It's very tough to keep the attention of insomniacs at 4 a.m. against
powerhouse programming like the Olympics," said Tony Morgan, announcer for
Mop'n'MopAgain. "We were forced to compete with events such as the South
Korea vs. Angola soccer game, Yngling-class sailing and men's field
hockey." Already, certain sectors have seen growth, with sales of various
forms of hair-in-a-can up nearly 50 percent and tapes of things going wild
nearly doubling compared to the same time last week.
(Reported by Stuart Johnson)
Corpse Stages Upset Win in Chechnya
GROZNY, Chechnya (DPI) - With 85 percent of votes counted in Sunday's
national presidential elections, the corpse of Vladi Romnikoff has defeated
rival Alu Alkhanov, who was backed by the Kremlin and favored to win.
According to a high-level source within Chechnya's government, "With the
current atmosphere of plane bombings and of course the assignation of
previous President Akhmad Kadyrov, who was assassinated by separatists in a
bomb attack last May, we figured. why delay the inevitable?"
(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz)