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September 10, 2002

Ari Fleischer: B to the izz-U, S to the izz-H! That's the anthem get'cha damn hands UP!

(Graphic by Jim Rosenberg)

Einstein's "Cheeseburger Theory" Papers Found

PRINCETON, N.J. (DPI) - A spokesperson for Princeton University today announced the discovery of a previously unknown box of Albert Einstein's personal papers. The box includes schematics for something thought impossible even today: the Dodecacheeseburger -- a 12-sided polyburger. "Einstein was working on the idea that as fast food neared the speed of light, the meat patty gained essentially an unlimited mass, becoming in effect 'supersized,'" said Lester Nelson, director of the American Institute of Physics. The box also contained a rare glimpse into Einstein's personal life, with stacks of girl-on-girl wrestling magazines stuck together with the great scientist's ejaculate.

(Reported by Jim Rosenberg)

"Suge" Knight Is a Pussy

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Marion "Suge" Knight, head of Death Row Records, is a pussy. Oh, sure, I know he's supposed to be some tough guy who rules the rap underworld or some such shit. I don't give a flying fuck how many contracts he put out on East Coast rappers while in jail -- in fact, he was probably taking it up the ass while doing it. "I want you to... ugh!... kill Biggie Smalls... ugh! Harder!" Yeah, you're a big shot, M-A-R-I-O-N. Come and get me, you big twat. You know where to find me. I'll be waiting for you.

(Reported by... um... John Smith) Launches "Let's Roll" Fantasy Game

WASHINGTON (DPI) - The White House today launched "Let's Roll," a Fantasy Homeland Security online game, at its website. Gamers may register and draft from a menu of perpetrators, victims, dates, methods, tools, and targets to populate their own unique "Strategic Assets." Then, as the events of the year beginning Sept. 11, 2002, unfold, players accrue both positive and negative points based on real-life outcomes. If you register as a "Superpower," you gain points by defending your strategic assets. If you register as an "Evildoer," you gain points by successfully attacking the strategic assets, and you are also entered in a real-life FBI database that allows John Ashcroft to deep-fry your civil liberties in the highly combustible grease of hysteria.

(Reported by Jim Rosenberg)

Documentary About 9/11 Makes Woman Temporarily Appreciate Husband More

TOPEKA, Kan. (DPI) - After Bud and Marge Swanson watched the CBS documentary September 11th: Hope Amidst the Anguish last Monday night, Marge felt a renewed sense of gratitude for her marriage. "After listening to all of those women talk about how hard it's been to have lost their husbands, I'm just so thankful I have Bud. God knows what I would do if I ever lost him." Twenty minutes later, during Everybody Loves Raymond, Bud was startled to hear Marge's voice thundering about his failure to jiggle the handle on the hall toilet. "Christ," said Marge, "you can be such an idiot."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

American Idol Results Manipulated by Subliminal Message

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - News of possible vote-rigging has brought hints of scandal to FOX's top-rated television program American Idol. Hackers claim to have altered the broadcast signal and subliminally inserted the words "Gives Good Head" underneath Kelly Clarkson for one-thirty-second of a second whenever she appeared on screen by herself. The phrase was repeated every 10 seconds. They also claim to have plastered the word "Dickwad" across Justin Guarini's image but no one seems to have noticed.

(Reported by Dave Henry)

Russia Cancels Lance Bass Space Trip Because He Sucks

Jerry Lewis Eclipses Sally Struthers

Country Broads, Southern Tail Sued by Dixie Chicks

KISS Army Has Weapons of Mass Suction

Students Hope to Improve Sex, Drug Scores

Internet Mortgages Available to Pay for Your New Penis

Man Explains Rosh Hashanah to Same Guy Every Year

Critic Stands By Adjective "Shitastic"

Maxim Redesigns Magazine to Be Shaped Like Breasts

More headlines

"Rect-isserie" Green Cooker a Hit With Sustainable Development Advocates

Rapper Admits to Having "No Talent Whatsoever"

Critics Claim Robot Army Far From Complete

WASHINGTON (DPI) The Pentagon's program to create an army of Advanced Battlefield Robot Soldiers (ABRS) is under fire by critics who claim the latest tests were rigged. "If I'm not mistaken," said chief critic Thomas Alarini, "those were men wrapped in tin foil with metal buckets over their heads." The Pentagon scoffed at Alarini's claims, but refused to elaborate on how it obtained the 23rd-century robotic technology required to build the ABRS. "With the terror threat, [the Pentagon] has become pretty cavalier about accountability," said Alarini. "This isn't the first time they've tried to dupe us. The tape they gave us of last April's test was nothing more than video cassette of Robocop with the title scratched out."

(Reported by Davejames)

AOL Hopes to Boost Sagging Sales With New Version 8.0

(Graphic by Chris White)

Bush Asks Santa For Expanded Missile Defense Package

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Frustrated by the defiant attitude of Congress and the Pentagon's request that he narrow the terms of the plan, President Bush has written a letter to Santa Claus hoping for an expanded, full U.S. missile-defense package by December 26th. "I would really really really like a missile-defense package with an entire shipment of B-21 Nuclear Warheads capable of destroying an enemy up to 20,000 miles away with a degree of accuracy up to 500 kilometers," Bush wrote. White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer admitted that the president wrote the letter, but has yet to mail it because he couldn't find a 37-cent stamp.

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

Well-Endowed Babysitter Dominates Dad's Thoughts

MARTINEZ, Calif. (DPI) - Damon White, father of two toddlers, had a rare "date" with his wife ruined when 14-year-old neighbor Melissa del Rubio showed up to baby-sit his kids sporting, in White's furtively whispered words, "a rack that belongs in show business." White's concentration was destroyed, and he found himself unable to think of anything but del Rubio's bodacious figure for the remainder of the evening. "Last summer she was this sweet little kid, cute and harmless," said White. "Now, we're talking serious jail bait." The destruction of the evening was complete when White's wife, Laura, refused his sexual advances, citing the complete lack of attention she'd received during their evening out.

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)

Report: Republican Senators Used Recycling Bin as Spittoon
Hallway Wiggle Causes 4-Employee Pileup
Bush to Address UN on Why We Need to Rid Iraq of Its Oil
Halle Berry Nearly Composed Again
Dumbass Co-Worker Doesn't Idolize Cobain Quite Enough to Kill Himself
Augusta National Refuses Entry to Women, Poor Dumb Bastards Like Me
New Commemorative Plaque Commemorates Old Commemorative Plaque
Murphy Brings Up Transvestite Scandal To Deflect Talk of Pluto Nash
Non-flaming Dog Misuses Hydrant

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