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September 14, 2004

Bush Pledges Federal Dollars for Swing-State Hurricane Victims

SCRANTON, Pa. (DPI) - President Bush promised $3.4 billion in federal relief today for states that were or weren't devastated from hurricane damage. Remarkably, over 80 percent of these funds will be given to Pennsylvania and Ohio, states that were only slightly dampened by Hurricane Frances. The president justified the aid, claiming that merely seeing the damage in Florida wrought by Frances on television or hearing about it from a co-worker had "caused immeasurable psychological trauma to millions of registered voters" in the two swing states.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Kerry, Edwards Look to New Campaign Consultant for Help

Swift Boat Vets: JFK "Pansy"; Dallas Wounds "Not That Bad"

BOSTON (DPI) - Swift Boat Veterans for Truth continued their attack upon Democratic politicians who were wounded while serving their country, claiming that President John F. Kennedy's assassination consisted of "superficial wounds." According to Swift Boat spokesman Van Odell, "I knew guys in Nam who got shot five or six times and signed up for another tour of duty. But that candy-ass Kennedy takes a few slugs and he flops over like a sack of potatoes." Odell said that the group is seeking to have the eternal flame at Kennedy's grave extinguished as well.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

North Korean Explosions Intended to Quell "Zombie Attack"

SEOUL, South Korea (DPI) - North Korean Foreign Minister Paek Nam-Sun and several defense officials claim the explosion and mushroom cloud spotted last Thursday was to destroy a zombie outbreak, which occurred near the village of Everett after some plucky teenagers unearthed a nerve gas causing the dead to rise and walk again. Nam-Sun said the explosion was not a test of their nuclear capabilities, but only an internal military action to stop the zombies from spreading. "This was not a pre-emptive strike against anyone or retaliation for any subsequent military actions," Nam-Sun said. "Unless you count the zombies."

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

Kerry Announces Plan to Tax Campaign Contributors

COLUMBUS, Ohio (DPI) - In a surprise move, John Kerry said anyone "rich enough to contribute money to my campaign" would pay higher taxes under his latest economic plan. "After the election, we'll get the donation records from the Bush campaign, too, but at the moment we can only promise to tax those who donate to us," said Kerry campaign spokesman David Wade. Speaking to a rapidly emptying room, vice presidential candidate John Edwards clarified the plan, saying, "If you're rich enough to donate money, you can give more. If you're rich enough to take two hours off from work to be here right now, then you can give more."

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Strange "Penis-less" Man Found

ANN ARBOR, Mich. (DPI) - Researchers at the University of Michigan are examining a recently discovered organism that could have massive implications for humankind: a slightly shorter specimen of a human with absolutely no penis at all. "We at first thought it to be a hoax," said Dr. Zhao Shen, who is leading the investigation. "But blood tests show this individual to be a human, just with a smaller waist, shapelier legs and long hair." The specimen, nicknamed "Barbara," was discovered in a restaurant in New Mexico, where he was working as a waitress, unnoticed among the regular penis-bearing human community. Said Dr. Reid Abel, Dean of the School of Social Sciences, "We intend to continue to collect data on this man's characteristics, including his high-pitched voice, protruding chest and aversion to using gas station restrooms."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Now-Sober Dan Rather Admits to Just Making Up Shit

New Zealand to Remove Both of Its Iraqi Soldiers

Cheney: "Vote for Us or I'll Kill You Myself"

Ivan Fallout Has Cuban Refugees Wading Ashore in Tennessee

Kerry Thanks Bush, Requests Another

Nader Struggles to Win Place on Subway Car

Jart-Wielding Thugs Protest Assault Weapon Ban

Sue Grafton Pens S Is for 'Shit, I've Only Got Seven Letters Left'

Keyes Aligns With Whitey

Mysterious White Powder Found on Bush's Surrealistic Pillow Album

A Daily Probe Special Investigation:
National Guard Document Expert Analysis!

Disillusioned Swift Boat Vets Speak Out!

'72 IM Transcript Proves Bush, Kerry Liars!

Perfectly Nice Party Spoiled by Guitar-Bearing Guest

Tell Me Again About the Quack Choices

I Am Morally Obligated to Nail Your Wife

Man's Life a Living Heck

SAN FRANCISCO (DPI) - While millions worldwide wallow in the hell of mass starvation and disease, bank officer Gerry Bremend today is suffering through the living heck of heartburn. "This happens each time I eat pepperoni," said Bremend, who earlier reported a "moderately uncomfortable" feeling in his stomach. Bremend is currently contemplating walking two blocks down Montgomery Street to buy some antacid, but he remembered that the elevator in his building is being repaired and he'd have to take the stairs from his third floor office. "This is complete heck," said Bremend, who also just last week got a parking ticket.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Swift Car Drivers for Truth Unveil Conclusive Kerry/Gordon Photo

DAYTON, Ohio (DPI) - Swift Car Drivers for Truth, a group of NASCAR fans who wish to set the record straight on presidential candidate John Kerry's racing past, unveiled photos they say will prove their claims. The photos show a joyful Jeff Gordon celebrating his first-ever Daytona 500 win with an equally thrilled John Kerry, who worked in Team Gordon's pit during the race. "People think George Bush supports NASCAR more than Kerry just because the media plays him out to be a good ol' boy," said group leader John McTiernan. "Actually, the opposite is true." The group's recent efforts were to counter negative ads being produced and aired by conservative group Really Fast Race Car Drivers Who Never Lie. Those ads claim Kerry had consistently exaggerated his racing involvement, and feature interviews with veteran drivers who say Kerry actually didn't participate in the Daytona 500, but rather the Massachusetts Mower-Racing Association's state championship.

(Reported by Danny Gallagher, Graphic by Kevin Wickart)

Fantasy Footballer Dreams Ricky Back to the Dolphins

MIAMI (DPI) - David Lipton's fantasy football team is the one in which Ricky Williams laid off the marijuana and led the league in rushing for the Miami Dolphins. Lipton's fantasy also includes a version of events in which the Dolphins' top off-season acquisition, David Boston, did not receive a season-ending injury, and Pro-Bowl defensive end, Adawale Ogunleye, accepted the Dolphins' contract offer. Explained Lipton, "Sometimes I have this fantasy in which Jay Fiedler and A.J. Feely both play like Dan Marino, who, by the way, didn't quit his front-office job two weeks after taking it." Lipton's team temporarily suspends operations each morning when his clock radio goes off.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Bush: Zell Miller Proves Democrats Are Flip-Floppers Who Can't Be Trusted

Governors Receive Suspicious Letters Claiming They "May Have Already Won a Million Dollars!!!"

New Town's Naming of "First Street" Way Too Optimistic

Cubs Fans Don Swimsuits in Anticipation of Annual September Dive

Swift Boat Veterans for Groceries: Kerry Exceeded 15-Item Limit at Express Check-Out

Hastert Pins Pelosi

Pat Robertson Claims God Sent Hurricane to GayMen Islands

Cheney: We're Your Only Hope for Surviving a Giant Meteor Impact

Barely Legal Women Gymnasts Get Own Web Sites in Record Time

Recent Study Finds Jack Shit in Way of Anything Useful

Cheney's Dome to be Buffed for Debates

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