FBI: "Pasty, Pimply-Faced Geek Loner" Released Latest Internet Worm

WASHINGTON (DPI) - The FBI today announced the capture of the person believed responsible for the latest Internet worm. "As soon as the new worm was identified, we began scouring the pasty, pimply-faced geek loner community until we found our ego-challenged man," said Agent Vincent Scully. Scully denied that targeting tubby, lily-white, technically proficient but socially challenged young males amounted to profiling, but did say that "anybody who thinks a guy who looks like Keanu Reeves, or any woman whatsoever, will waste their time writing adolescent computer pranks needs to check out the news once in a while. It ain't profiling if it's so."

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)


Bush Endorses Schwarzenegger




Wal-Mart Releases 2004 Sales Forecast and Expansion Projections

BENTONVILLE, Ark. (DPI) ­ Grrrr! Wal-Mart angry! Wal-Mart feel cooped up, need more room to live! Wal-Mart smash puny mom-and-pops! Smash! Smash! Smash!

(Reported by Davejames)


Contract Negotiations Delay "Bennifer" Nuptials

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Ticklish negotiations over revisions to their pre- nuptial agreement are cited as the main reason Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck postponed their September 14th wedding. According to sources close to the couple, Lopez insisted upon adding a one-page "no cheating" clause sometime last week. Affleck and his attorneys agreed, on the condition they would be allowed to make an addendum. They returned a few days later with a 32-page "no riding my ass, busting my balls over strippers, telling me how to spend my money and dammit Matt gets to come over any time he wants!" rider. At present, there is no word as to how close the two sides are to reaching agreement.

(Reported by Brad Osberg)


Democrats Preparing Schwarzenegger's Recall Replacement in Advance

SACRAMENTO, Calif. (DPI) - State Democrats today sought to clarify their position on the California recall election. Predicting that, if elected, Arnold Schwarzenegger's administration would quickly be brought down by scandal or incompetence, Democrats succeeded in adding a contingency vote to the ballot addressing that scenario and allowing voters to choose Schwarzenegger's replacement in advance in order to save the state another costly election. As a result, the new ballot accounts for all possible outcomes. A Democratic spokesman, denying that the refusal to simply oppose the recall was confusing, informed the electorate, "It's really very simple: vote 'No' on Davis recall, Bustamante for governor, 'Yes' on Schwarzennegger recall, Feinstein for replacement governor, Reiner for replacement senator."

(Reported by Jim Rosenberg)


Snoop Dogg Takes 1st Rap-Scrabble Championship




Bush Proposes Tax Cut for Unborn

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Responding immediately to criticism that his deficit-creating tax policies were passing on burdens to our children, President today Bush proposed a new tax cut targeting all yet-unborn children of current taxpayers. "To show my commitment to the unborn, I will cut the taxes for all children not already born to or gestating inside of current taxpayers," Bush said in a Rose Garden press conference. Existing children will not receive a cut, but will benefit from what the president called the "spittle up" effect of the proposed cut. This tax cut, like others, will be paid for by, in the words of the proposal, "taxing the livin' shit out of the following generation."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)


Pepsi Admits It's Coke-Copying Swill

PURCHASE, N.Y. (DPI) - PepsiCo released a statement today that acknowledges its blatant attempt to steal rival Coca-Cola's formula. "We tried to copy Coke's incredible and delicious drink in 1898, more than a decade after Coke was invented," explained a PepsiCo spokeswoman. "But we still can't get it quite right, which is painfully obvious to anyone who's ever tasted the brown piss-water we pass off as a cola." Pepsi executives also said that anyone selecting their product in all likelihood has taste-bud defects bordering on life- threatening. "We are truly concerned that anyone who prefers Pepsi over Coke may mistake dog excrement as a piece of chocolate."

(Reported by Otis Garcia)

Queer Eye for the Ten Commandments Guy

MONTGOMERY, Ala. (DPI) - Hoping to perform an end run around the federal judiciary, suspended Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore has teamed up with a local gay artist to "queer up" his Ten Commandments display into a work of federally protected art. "I'm so proud of him -- I feel his sad rage," said Elmer Frisson as he watched Moore urinate into a large Mason jar. The unlikely duo is collecting urine in jars that, when displayed along with the granite Ten Commandments, will form an artistic tableau that the American Civil Liberties Union has described as "First Amendment gold." The sculpture, titled "Hell, Yes I Shalt," is funded by a federal grant and plans are to place it on permanent display in the rotunda of the judicial building.

(Reported by Steve Meckleburg)

Deft Monty Python Quote Salvages Geek Street Cred, Guarantees Sex-Free Evening

Very Late, Breaking News: German Army Invades Poland

Fantasy Football-Adjusted Unemployment Rate Tops 50%

Procrastinators Hold 9/15 Memorial Ceremony

Video Store Clerk Can't Believe You Just Rented Windtalkers

Father, Traumatized Daughter Vow Never to Discuss Hillary Duff Again

"My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad" Boast Proves Cooler in Theory Than in Practice

Crazy Homeless Guy Dressed Better Than You