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September 16, 2003

Sorry, no issue on 9/23. We'll be back on 9/30.

FBI: "Pasty, Pimply-Faced Geek Loner" Released Latest Internet Worm

WASHINGTON (DPI) - The FBI today announced the capture of the person believed responsible for the latest Internet worm. "As soon as the new worm was identified, we began scouring the pasty, pimply-faced geek loner community until we found our ego-challenged man," said Agent Vincent Scully. Scully denied that targeting tubby, lily-white, technically proficient but socially challenged young males amounted to profiling, but did say that "anybody who thinks a guy who looks like Keanu Reeves, or any woman whatsoever, will waste their time writing adolescent computer pranks needs to check out the news once in a while. It ain't profiling if it's so."

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)

Bush Endorses Schwarzenegger

Wal-Mart Releases 2004 Sales Forecast and Expansion Projections

BENTONVILLE, Ark. (DPI) Grrrr! Wal-Mart angry! Wal-Mart feel cooped up, need more room to live! Wal-Mart smash puny mom-and-pops! Smash! Smash! Smash!

(Reported by Davejames)

Contract Negotiations Delay "Bennifer" Nuptials

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Ticklish negotiations over revisions to their pre- nuptial agreement are cited as the main reason Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck postponed their September 14th wedding. According to sources close to the couple, Lopez insisted upon adding a one-page "no cheating" clause sometime last week. Affleck and his attorneys agreed, on the condition they would be allowed to make an addendum. They returned a few days later with a 32-page "no riding my ass, busting my balls over strippers, telling me how to spend my money and dammit Matt gets to come over any time he wants!" rider. At present, there is no word as to how close the two sides are to reaching agreement.

(Reported by Brad Osberg)

Democrats Preparing Schwarzenegger's Recall Replacement in Advance

SACRAMENTO, Calif. (DPI) - State Democrats today sought to clarify their position on the California recall election. Predicting that, if elected, Arnold Schwarzenegger's administration would quickly be brought down by scandal or incompetence, Democrats succeeded in adding a contingency vote to the ballot addressing that scenario and allowing voters to choose Schwarzenegger's replacement in advance in order to save the state another costly election. As a result, the new ballot accounts for all possible outcomes. A Democratic spokesman, denying that the refusal to simply oppose the recall was confusing, informed the electorate, "It's really very simple: vote 'No' on Davis recall, Bustamante for governor, 'Yes' on Schwarzennegger recall, Feinstein for replacement governor, Reiner for replacement senator."

(Reported by Jim Rosenberg)

Snoop Dogg Takes 1st Rap-Scrabble Championship

Bush Proposes Tax Cut for Unborn

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Responding immediately to criticism that his deficit-creating tax policies were passing on burdens to our children, President today Bush proposed a new tax cut targeting all yet-unborn children of current taxpayers. "To show my commitment to the unborn, I will cut the taxes for all children not already born to or gestating inside of current taxpayers," Bush said in a Rose Garden press conference. Existing children will not receive a cut, but will benefit from what the president called the "spittle up" effect of the proposed cut. This tax cut, like others, will be paid for by, in the words of the proposal, "taxing the livin' shit out of the following generation."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Pepsi Admits It's Coke-Copying Swill

PURCHASE, N.Y. (DPI) - PepsiCo released a statement today that acknowledges its blatant attempt to steal rival Coca-Cola's formula. "We tried to copy Coke's incredible and delicious drink in 1898, more than a decade after Coke was invented," explained a PepsiCo spokeswoman. "But we still can't get it quite right, which is painfully obvious to anyone who's ever tasted the brown piss-water we pass off as a cola." Pepsi executives also said that anyone selecting their product in all likelihood has taste-bud defects bordering on life- threatening. "We are truly concerned that anyone who prefers Pepsi over Coke may mistake dog excrement as a piece of chocolate."

(Reported by Otis Garcia)

Queer Eye for the Ten Commandments Guy

MONTGOMERY, Ala. (DPI) - Hoping to perform an end run around the federal judiciary, suspended Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore has teamed up with a local gay artist to "queer up" his Ten Commandments display into a work of federally protected art. "I'm so proud of him -- I feel his sad rage," said Elmer Frisson as he watched Moore urinate into a large Mason jar. The unlikely duo is collecting urine in jars that, when displayed along with the granite Ten Commandments, will form an artistic tableau that the American Civil Liberties Union has described as "First Amendment gold." The sculpture, titled "Hell, Yes I Shalt," is funded by a federal grant and plans are to place it on permanent display in the rotunda of the judicial building.

(Reported by Steve Meckleburg)

Daily Probe Returns; Readers Advised Red Wine Will Kill Nasty Onion Aftertaste

Hurricane Isabel Upgraded to "Run for Your Fucking Lives"

Letterman, Leno Win Appeal; Courts Delay California Recall

Al-Qaeda Claims Responsibility for Postponement of Lopez/Affleck Wedding

Ritter's Death All a Silly Misunderstanding

Jesus Benches Kurt Warner

Hacker Suspect's Firewall Breached in Prison Shower

Mrs. Smith Capitalizes on American Pie Popularity with New "Fuckable Pies"

Britney Vows No Lesbian Sex Until She's Married

"Tab Hunter" Leaps to Top of Funniest Gay Guy Names List

More headlines

Hell, Yes, I'm Racial Profiling!

A Daily Probe Sneek Peak at Upcoming Dummies Book Titles

Food Drive for the Poor Creates Rare Cupboard-Clearing Opportunity

North Korea Issues Price List for Pretend Acts of Cooperation and Openness

Rush Chalks Up Dismal Record Sales to Shitty Songs

Face of Jesus Seen in Ozone Hole

Arafat Exiled from Big Brother House

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Yasser Arafat has been sent packing after the Palestinian Authority president's Big Brother housemates kicked him out during the most recent episode of the CBS show. Arafat said in his closing statement that he was disappointed the rest of the house decided to force him out just because they consider him a terrorist. "Oh come on," Arafat said. "This is so silly, just because I have an entire army and a fleet of trained killers at my disposal that I can dispatch against anyone if they try to invade my country or steal my resources or eat out of my peanut butter." Jun, one of the three remaining members in the house, said he voted to oust Arafat because of his nasty attitude toward the other housemates. "He was just a mean, mean person," Jun said. "Plus, he threatened to kill me with his army of snipers if I sat on his bed again."

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

Flash Mob Triples UPN's Ratings

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - UPN executives were thrilled this week when one of the network's new shows, The Mullets, received ratings that tripled the record for that time slot. The network's elation later turned to disappointment, however, on learning discovered that the ratings increase resulted from the actions of a flash mob. Some 400 people turned to the channel after being instructed by e-mail and voice-mail messages to watch the station for 30 minutes while lying on the floor. A similar flash mob had tuned into "The Simpsons" on Fox the previous week, and, after making no noticeable differences in ratings, decided to choose an easier network as its next target.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

History Channel Repeats Itself

NEW YORK CITY (DPI) Television insiders have sent shockwaves throughout the industry by revealing that A&Es History Channel has, in fact, repeated itself. Newly released reports indicate that the series Vietnam - The Ten Thousand Day War, which originally aired at 11 p.m. Thursday, was needlessly replayed at 3 a.m. the following day. Hours later, the cable station ran an episode of Black Sheep Squadron at noon, only to repeat it again at 6 p.m. To make matters worse, Black Sheep Squadron originally aired in 1976 and chronicled events that took place some 30 years earlier, during World War II. A History Channel spokesman has expressed confidence that the station should be able to learn from this mistake without needing to go back and study the problem.

(Reported by Steven Shehori)

Frou-Frou Parents Distraught After Kids Name Cat Whiskers

NEW YORK CITY (DPI) - A bohemian Soho couple was disappointed last week when their young children selected a banal, uninteresting name for their new pet cat. Daryl Peterson, a professional mural artist, and his wife Hannah, a new age musician, were mortified when their two kids chose the name Whiskers for the family's 3-month- old tabby. "We tried to talk the kids into naming her Tupelo after the Van Morrison song Tupelo Honey. You know, a cool, creative name befitting a family of creative souls." A final, desperate attempt by the Petersons to own at least one pet with an exotic name ended in failure as well today when their children named their new goldfish Goldie.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Deft Monty Python Quote Salvages Geek Street Cred, Guarantees Sex-Free Evening

Very Late, Breaking News: German Army Invades Poland

Fantasy Football-Adjusted Unemployment Rate Tops 50%

Procrastinators Hold 9/15 Memorial Ceremony

Video Store Clerk Can't Believe You Just Rented Windtalkers

Father, Traumatized Daughter Vow Never to Discuss Hillary Duff Again

"My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad" Boast Proves Cooler in Theory Than in Practice

Crazy Homeless Guy Dressed Better Than You

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