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September 24, 2002

White House: Tranquilizers Not Used on Rumsfeld

WASHINGTON (DPI) - White House officials are denying they shot tranquilizer darts into Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld to protect Congress from him on Wednesday. "There is no truth to the rumor that Secretary Rumsfeld was advancing on Congress to 'rip the Armed Services Committee a new one' if they didn't speed up their vote on military use against Iraq," said administration aide Melanie Baustista. "We shot the secretary because he was suffering from a headache, and it has long been on record he prefers to receive his aspirin in this fashion."

(Reported by Davejames)

Child-Beating Monster Claims: "I'm No Monster"

MISHAWAKA, Ind. (DPI) - In a public statement Saturday, the woman universally recognized as a monster after a surveillance camera caught her beating her 4-year-old daughter insisted she's "no monster." Madelyne Gorman Toogood, 26, said, "I'm really more of a devil or, you might say, a stupid dumbass moronic pinhead. If I wasn't so goddamn stupid, I wouldn't have dyed my hair so that people wouldn't recognize me while I hid for over a week before turning myself in so I didn't get, you know, arrested or jailed or anything." Toogood hopes to make it up to her daughter with ice cream, stuffed animals and less frequent beatings.

(Reported by Mark Neibuhr)

Homeland Security Working to Crack Al-Qaeda "Ecret-Say" Code

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge announced that his department has nearly cracked the secret code used by Al- Qaeda operatives to communicate via e-mail. "Our guys are on the case and we feel we're nearing a breakthrough," he said. According to Ridge, Al-Qaeda's next attack will involve driving Cool Whip-laden go-carts into a Chuck E. Cheese pizza parlor in Paramus, N.J. "We just have to figure out the exact date -- and we're pretty sure we'll have that when we crack a few scattered phrases like 'ying- flay essons-lay,' 'uilding-bay,' 'icago-Chay' and 'in-Laden-Bay'."

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)

Beautiful Co-Ed Fails to Distract Professor From His Homina Homina Homina

EAST LANSING, Mich. (DPI) - The presence of an impossibly attractive young woman in the third row of Michigan State University humanities Professor Evan Smith's class failed to distract him from his duties of teaching homina homina ohfortheloveofGOD this week, Smith said. Despite the young woman's silky blond hair, soft soothing gaze and midriff-baring outfits, Smith was well able to uddyuddyuddyuddy hooboy. Never veering from his topic of physical anthropology, Smith told colleagues he would be perfectly okay continuing to ah-OOO-ga ah-OOO-ga I'll-unearth-physical-evidence-of-HER-adaptive-dimorphism-I-tell-you.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

John Mellencamp's Kids Tired of Small Town

JACKSON, Ind. (DPI) - While living in small-town America has endeared rock musician John Mellencamp to millions of rural fans, it's no picnic for his two kids, Todd and Tiffany Mellencamp. "We were going to move to Malibu, but then Dad's song 'Small Town' became a big hit. So now he's obligated to stay here or his fans will call him a sell-out," complained Todd, 17. "We're the only house on the block that doesn't have hubcap wind chimes. We can't even get cable." Added 15-year-old Tiffany, "It's not like Dad really lives here anyways. Most of the time, he's off with Willie Nelson at some Farm-Aid benefit."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Miss America Revises Timetable for Creating World Peace

Beard Artifact from McDonaldzoic Period

German Guy Punctuates Story with "Air Umlauts"

Helmeted, Sunscreened Toddler Eats Bug

Study: No, You Can NOT Get a Whoop-Whoop

Goth Chick Secretly Loved My Big Fat Greek Wedding

Ashcroft Seeks Authority to Beat Some Jesus into Muslims

Saudi Government Okays Hooters on Its Soil

Village Alarmed by Doc Frankenstein's "Missing" Flyers

Conflict Escalated by Tactical Release of "C" Word

More headlines

Suburban Cops Show to Debut This Fall on Fox

Personality Test Reveals Man as "Intuitive Asshole"

It's Official: No Comparing Apples to Oranges

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Using a computer model to study the results of a staggering 914 billion attempts, UCLA researches have finally determined that it is impossible to compare apples to oranges, no matter how often people try. "As they are considered the most common fruits, one would think that at some level a comparison could be made," said researcher Jonathan Kolvain. Instead, he said, the apple acts as anti-matter to the orange, opposite right down to levels which can not be measured. "In fact, once subatomic science progresses, these haphazard apple-and-orange comparisons could move from the silly to the destruction of the universe itself."

(Reported by Davejames)

Rosie O'Donnell Quits Magazine, Concentrates on Invading Poland

American in Europe Remains Accidentally Skeptical

PARIS (DPI) - By missing the mandatory daily viewings of Fox News for the past year he has been working abroad, Craig Walker now finds himself mistakenly questioning President Bush. "I didn't realize it was a federal crime to ask someone if they thought Bush was handling the crisis well," said Walker. He posed his question to a tourist from Cleveland, who sought help from other Americans in his tour group to pummel Walker with their fanny packs. Although Walker survived his punishment as the attackers quickly became tired and then dictracted by a nearby McDonald's, his American passport will be revoked.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Radical Wedgie Leaves Voice Change in Doubt
E-mailer Chagrined to Learn "Priceless" Parodies Are So Last Year
Ghetto Rapper Keeping It Real From Inside $9-million Mansion
Spacely Sprockets CEO Jetson Latest to be Indicted
Augusta Virgin Admits First Male Member
Little Chain Saves Pen from Would-Be Bank Thief
Former Mediocre Athlete Discovers New Fantasy League Mediocrity
Organic Salad Followed by Hostess Twinkie
Nostradamus Predicted 0% Financing on New Buick LeSabres
Detroit Lions Answer "No" to Hank Williams Jr.

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