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September 28, 2004

The next issue of the Daily Probe will be published on October 12.

Lifting of Libyan Sanctions Lets Gaddafi Buy More Fetching Hats, Shoes

TRIPOLI (DPI) - Libyan leader Col. Moammar Gaddafi was elated at the decisions last week by the United States and the European Union to lift sanctions against his country. The long-standing sanctions were evidently inhibiting Gaddafi's ability to shop in the manner in which he'd become accustomed, severely curtailing his now-legendary hat and shoe fetishes. Said Gaddafi: "I would like the thank the U.S. and the EU for restoring the joy of purchasing fine garments to Libya's citizens -- in particular, me."

(Reported by Davejames, Tristan Fabriani)

Storm Destroys Haiti's Legendary Beauty and Robust Economy

GONAIVES, Haiti (DPI) - Tropical Storm Jeanne, with hurricane strength winds and downpours, has turned the modern Caribbean nation of Haiti into a morass of unsanitary living conditions, poverty and blight, the Red Cross reports. Massive flooding in the central area of Gonaives has destroyed much of the population's access to restaurants, cable television and retail developments, according to Haitian officials. "I lost my entire three-bedroom bungalow when the river jumped its banks," said resident and computer consultant Hugo Raiste. "My family will now have to live in this dilapidated three-wall shed and trade pieces of scrap metal for rice." Residents of Gonaives were seen banding together to replace items of kitsch from one of the area's three TGI Friday's restaurants. Said one, wading through the slowly receding floodwaters, "With no access to electricity for my espresso maker and convection oven, I will hope to find a pig or goat still alive that my family might eat tonight."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

CBS Scandal Sparks Piece-of-Shit Novelty T-Shirt Boon

NEW YORK (DPI) - Wall Street analysts predicted a boon for piece-of-shit novelty T-shirt makers following the recent CBS scandal. "No more than 24 hours after the announcement, we are seeing humorous $3 T-shirts mocking CBS and Rather appearing on the streets," said market-watcher Dick Handlin, "This ability to instantly flood the marketplace with slogan T-shirts that can't survive one washing demonstrates the kind of market responsiveness we love to invest in." Handlin pointed out his own "Watch C B(ull) S(hit)? 'Rather' not!" shirt that he had purchased on a street corner that morning and noted that the letters had already started to fall off. This industry hadn't see such a boost since the "Buck Fush" shirt wave during the GOP convention and the "I Survived Ivan" T-shirts that appeared recently before the hurricane had even made landfall.

(Reported by Ken Martin)

Study: Dog Urine/Vodka/Pineapple Smoothie Cures Impotence, Baldness

AKRON (DPI) - Okay, not really. We just wanted to see how many middle-aged guys we could get to hold a shot glass under their dog's dick.

(Reported by Carl Knorr)

Bush Administration Releases "Positive Proof" Photo Regarding National Guard Duty

Rumsfeld: US Whoop-Ass Stockpile Was Nearing "Use-By" Date

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld today revealed another reason for the War in Iraq, saying, "In response to the 9/11 terrorist attacks, the US obtained a significant strategic stockpile of Whoop-Ass. Unfortunately, Whoop-Ass has a somewhat limited shelf-life." Rumsfeld claims that as the "Use-By" date approached and Osama bin Laden was nowhere to be found, the "potential waste of a lot of perfectly good Whoop-Ass became a primary motivation for attacking somebody." Emphasizing that the potential Whoop-Ass crisis was not the only or even most important reason for the war, Rumsfeld admitted, "Saddam had to go regardless of our Whoop-Ass status. It was merely good fortune that we had a fresh supply ready to be deployed."

(Reported by Joseph Moore)

Leno to Retire in 2009. Get It? 2009! Hee hee! Right, Kevin?

Swift Butt Vets: Kerry Don't Got Back

CBS Yet to Apologize for New Jason Alexander Sitcom

Bush Says Iraq War Going "Failtastically"

40-Buying Guy Offered Receipt

Agitated Edward R. Murrow Corpse Burrows Into Adjoining Plot

Flava Flav Releases New CD, It Only Takes One Drunk, Husky-Voiced, Fake-Tittied, Scandinavian Amazon to Hold Me Back

Florida Downgraded to Alabama

Bush on Economy: "Gay People! Gay Terrorists! Getting Married!"

Shrapnel Cuts Ribbon at Grand Opening of New Fallujah Convention Center

Trump Fires Piggybank During Weekend Pottery Class

Rather Helps 60 Minutes Expose Shoddy Practices of 60 Minutes

New Bush Domestic Policy: Piss on the Elderly, Poor Get Shit

Review: Sex Camp for Kids a Huge Success


That Ass-Pinch Really Did the Trick, Mister

An Internet Message Board Spoiled Donnie Darko For Me

Oh Great, Who the Fuck Can I Blame THIS On?

Dems: Electronic Voting Machines Discriminate Against Those With No Motor Skills

CHICAGO (DPI) - According to Democratic Party spokesperson Marty Weinberg, the electronic voting machines which will be used in over a dozen states are nearly useless, due to their really tiny buttons. The party claims this is a far reaching problem not only affecting those without motor skills. "This party has put nearly $4.5 billion into the American Motor Skilless Institute and now they can't vote for us?" said Weinberg. "Clumsy people, fat fingered people and the logizomechanophobic all traditionally support the Democratic Party in high numbers, and now they can't participate at the polls." Many Democrats are pushing for the controversial "write a name on a loose slip of paper" balloting method.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

Physicists Unable to Explain Why Robert Plant Is Still Attracting Groupies

Angry Hockey Fans Protest Lockout With Nude Love-Ins

MONTREAL (DPI) - Angered by the news that the National Hockey League may hold off competition for a season because of dwindling interest and economic turmoil, sports fans have been holding nude love-ins in major downtown districts across the nation to express their total outrage for the event. Police departments are unable to take action because, as Montreal police chief Michel Sarrazin put it, "If they're not turning over cars or setting things on fire or damaging public property after winning a championship, there's not much we can do." Edmonton Oiler fan Jacques Christuplier momentarily ignored the two women in Gretsky jerseys fellating him and explained the rationale for the protests, saying, "When our team takes home the Stanley Cup, we riot and turn the town upside down to show how happy we are. Now we're trying to let people know we're really pissed off."

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

TV Watcher Grateful There Were No Air Disasters Within the Last Few Days

ATLANTA (DPI) - Local resident Vernon Luckaby was thankful over the lack of recent air disasters, claiming that dearth of catastrophes enhanced his television-viewing experience. Luckaby explained that he was intrigued by the promos for the new ABC television series, Lost, which revolves around the survivors of an airliner crash. "However," he said, "I've been burned before when TV events such as this were cancelled or postponed out of sympathy for real-life victims." Luckaby pointed to the delay of the debut of FOX's exciting series 24, which takes place in a counter-terrorist unit, after the World Trade Center tragedy of September 11, 2001. "Before that, a 'Buffy The Vampire Slayer' episode involving a school shooting was tragically delayed by the events at Columbine High School in Colorado," Luckaby continued. "However, there have been no major air disasters since the Russian airliners went down several weeks ago, and fortunately, that was not recent enough to interfere."

(Reported by Brian Jones)

Kerry Criticizes Bush's Deck Chair Arrangement

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Making good on his vow to focus on the issues for the remainder of the campaign, presidential candidate John Kerry unleashed scathing criticisms of President Bush's arrangement of deck chairs. "My opponent has allowed his cronies and supporters to put the deck chairs where they best serve their narrow interests," Kerry stated. "It is time America again rose to the challenge of arranging the deck chairs to serve the broad needs of the many." President Bush responded that he liked the deck chairs exactly as they are. "Under my administration, hard-working Americans have been able to put the deck chairs where they feel they best belong and it is not my intention to second guess the market." Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan stated that the current arrangement of the deck chairs favors a long term recovery, but that some short term market fluctuations were inevitable.

(Reported by Joseph Moore)

Edwards Back On Campaign Trail After Getting Permission Slip From School

Smack-Down Hall of Fame Retires Rumsfeld's Number

Kerry Says French Skills Will Help Calm Uppity Iran

People Magazine Names Al Sadr "Sexiest Insurgent Alive"

Kerry Accuses Cheney of Sneer Campaign

Dems: No Proof That Ivan Was in Alabama

Pajama-Wearing, Masturbating Bloggers Couldn't Care Less If Janet Jackson's Breast Is Fake

Pop Tart Media Whore Spears Jumps Shark Once Again

Four-Day-Old Underwear Now at Threat Level Yellow

Dwindling Stash Has Ricky Williams Pondering Comeback

NL Pitchers Resort to Rolling Ball to Bonds

J.Lo Denies Blowing Me in My Little Fantasy World

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