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October 1, 2002

Bush Wins Support for War With Promise of CSI: Baghdad

WASHINGTON (DPI) - New opinion polls show that 98 percent of American people now support an immediate attack on Iraq following President Bush's pledge to produce a new CBS television series, CSI: Baghdad, after the fall of Saddam Hussein. Army enlistments are up 28 percent and TV sales are up 42 percent. Steven Linkman, television critic for PBS and editor of the magazine The Pacifist Way, said, "I hope [the military] uses as little force as required to kill that fucker," indicating the Iraqi dictator was standing in the way of "non-stop CSI, baby."

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Starbucks Asks Customer to "Go Elsewhere" After Uncool Coffee Spill

NEW YORK (DPI) - At a Starbucks located in Manhattan's chic Soho neighborhood, interior designer Robert Fordham was invited to "not return" after spilling his coffee. "Spilled beverages and clumps of soggy brown napkins infringe upon our frou frou ambience of kitschy overstuffed furniture and pleasant, shallow conversation parlayed against a backdrop of sappy Diana Krall torch songs," said head barista Kate Matthews. "We'll ask you not to infringe on that."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Arafat Storms Own Compound to "Show the Israelis How It's Done"

RAMALLAH, West Bank (DPI) - After an unsuccessful Israeli raid on Yasser Arafat's headquarters, the Palestinian leader decided to show disheartened Israeli troops how it's done. Arafat himself approved an attack on the compound, leading to his capture and arrest by his own armies. "Here's how you do it the right way," Arafat told a Probe reporter over the phone, heavily emphasizing "the right way." "That is, unless Israel is looking to do it ... the wrong way." Arafat later added, "Duh."

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

Group Sues Over "Bullshit" High School Exit Exams

SPRINGFIELD, Mass. (DPI) - Lawyers representing six students who failed an exam required for high school graduation sued the state Thursday, claiming the test discriminates against "Homo sapiens" and "straight people." "Yeah, wow man," plaintiffs' attorney Tom Frongillo stated. "These kids are cool, baby. They ain't no goddamn dummies or nothin'. Let's all just take a chill pill." "Whatever," said plaintiff Taniqua Vance. "Shut up. You don't know." Another plaintiff, Kyle Martines, agreed: "I cut you, fucker. I cut off your fuckin' head." The group plans to continue their protest by picketing the state legislature with signs reading "We Learn Good, Bitches" and "I Cut You, Fucker."

(Reported by Mark Niebuhr)

Eddie Murphy Still Waiting for "Party All The Time" to Be Pirated on Net

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Although countless musicians are losing millions of dollars from Internet music piracy, Eddie Murphy's 1985 "How Could It Be" album has yet to be downloaded even once. "Obviously, I'm disappointed," said a discouraged Murphy. "I figured that if 'Party All The Time' got passed around on the Web, it might have generated enough buzz to land me another record deal." The Los Angeles Police Department also reported that it had yet to confiscate a single bootlegged video of Murphy's films The Golden Child, Harlem Nights and Pluto Nash. Other artists demoralized that their recordings have not been ripped off include Kathie Lee Gifford and David Hasselhoff.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Kelly Clarkson's Ex-Boyfriend Frantically Searching for Dirty Pictures

Rumsfeld Chews Through Muzzle

Cartoon Gravity Different, Widow Confirms

Child-Beating Mom, Hubby Sport Dress T-Shirts for Court Date

Nasdaq, Bea Arthur's Breasts Fall to Six-Year Low

McDonald's Strives to Reduce Fat in French Fries, Ball Pits

"Saddam343@yahoo" Tries to Sell Biological Weapons on eBay

Ivory Coast Now 99 and 44/100% Pure Hell

Dorm Jury to Rule on Dorito-Bogarting Case

Band Boosted

More headlines

Washington Man Found With Weapons, List of Enemies in Middle East

Trucker Finally Gives in, Gets Piss Jar

Guyana Gets Into Amway

GEORGETOWN, Guyana (DPI) - This tiny South American nation, for years fighting runaway inflation, announced today that it is "happy and financially independent." "We never thought that a war-torn former British colony like ours could be owners of a successful business right out of our own capital city," said Prime Minister Samuel Hinds, who is also president of the newly-formed Global Dreams Americas Ltd., as he displayed a photocopy of a check for $7,614. "And with just a few hours a week, your nation, too, can enjoy financial success." The nearby nations of Suriname, Venezuela and Trinidad and Tobago have not returned Guyana's calls, saying they've been too busy to sit down and look at their financial goals.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Senator Strom Thurman "Very Pleased" With New Senate Staff

Accident Ends in Trips to Hospital, Morgue, City Court

ATLANTA (DPI) - A traffic accident involving a doctor, a mortician and a judge ended in trips to the hospital, the morgue and City Court. Relieved onlookers reported no injuries, deaths or legal charges resulted from the mishap.

(Reported by Brian Jones)

Locker-Room Mix-Up Turns Tragic as Man Puts on Wrong Underwear
Bush Urgently Studying Rules on Back of Risk Game Box
Russian Miss Universe Fired Over Definition of "Escort"
Greenspan to be Knighted; Will Lead Army to Conquer Germania
Man Alters Universe, Known Existence After Proving You Can Pick Your Friend's Nose
Bush Vows To Go Into Laura Unilaterally If Needed
Arafat: Palestinian Institute for Bombing Israelis is a School for Watch Repair
"Dream" Achieved as All Races Agree Jesse Jackson Needs to Shut the Fuck Up
Man Gives Up Trying to Explain What His Penis Was Doing in There
Study: Depression Common Among Lazy, Worthless Pieces of Shit

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