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October 7, 2003

Fox News to Replace Colmes With Mannequin

NEW YORK (DPI) - Liberal commentator Alan Colmes, co-host of the Fox News Channel's second most popular talk show, "Hannity & Colmes," has been replaced by a department-store mannequin, according to the cable network. Fox News President Roger Ailes said the move was to better balance the show's political spectrum. "We felt that Colmes was just too bold and loud as a liberal, which is making the show more unbalanced towards the liberal side like the rest of the news media," Ailes said. "After all, that's what we're all about -- fair and balanced."

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

CDC to Overweight Americans: "We Don't Fucking Care Anymore"

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Following a report that 55 percent of all Americans are overweight and still don't exercise enough, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have informed the obese community they no longer "fucking care if they choke on all those doughnuts." Dr. Julie L. Gerberding, CDC director, said the CDC has been warning Americans for years about the dangers of living an unhealthy lifestyle and offering advice on why and how to lose weight. "So fuck it," she said. "We've done our part watching out for your ever-widening asses, and you still won't do anything about it. So fuck you. Thank you."

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

Little Brother Keeps Slapping Self in Face

EVANSTON, Ill. (DPI) - Matthew Windon, 8, has refused to stop striking himself with his own hands, according to his 13-year-old brother, Todd. "Stop hitting yourself Matty. Why are you slapping yourself?" said Todd Windon. "Why do you keep hitting yourself? Why are you slapping your own face? Stop that, Matty, that's got to hurt, so why are you still hitting yourself? Beg Todd to help you. Why are you slapping yourself? Look, you just hit yourself again. Ouch. Beg Todd to help you stop hurting yourself, you little wussy." Based on previous experience, the older sibling expected the younger boy would stop hitting himself when their mother entered the room.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Terrell Owens Blasts Bush's Handling of Iraq

SAN FRANCISCO (DPI) - Terrell Owens, wide receiver for the San Francisco 49ers, sharply criticized President Bush's handling of post-war Iraq in a post-game press conference. Bush has "got no heart," Owens told sports reporters. "I don't know what to say. He seemed to work hard preparing for the war, but he's got no follow-through." Owens boasted of his own performance, but said he could not carry the war effort alone. "What else can I do?" he said. "I'm out there every day giving 110 percent, but it's gotta be a team effort." Owens was later observed berating Sgt. John Christopher outside an Iraqi police station for "plain not executing."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Siegfried Seizes Power in Coup

Danza to Replace Ritter; Estrada On Deck

Israel Moves to Seal Palestinians in Giant Air-Proof Security Drum

Cost of Iraq Occupation Earning U.S. Billions of Rewards Points

Jews Around the World Celebrate Start of New TV Season

Rush Confirms Somewhat Slimmer Idiot Status

Arnold Apologizes to Women, People Who Saw Twins

Foreigner Discovers "Burning Penis" Pick-Up Line Only Works in Native Tongue

Man Makes Spectacularly Inappropriate Remark During Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Distracted God Slips Both BoSox, Cubs Into Playoffs

More headlines

What a Crummy Year This Has Been

Car Salesman Stunned After Customer OKs Undercoating/Paint Protection

Rambling Elderly Widows Hired to Thwart Telemarketers

New Electric Toyota Pussy Makes Debut

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Toyota is hoping to capture the all-important anti-SUV market with its new electric automobile, the Toyota Pussy. A sub- compact two-seater that gets 120 miles per gallon overall, the Pussy is aimed squarely at liberals and Green Party members who are frightened by the idea of driving large macho cars such as the Volkswagen Beetle and the Mini Cooper. The Pussy has a frame made from recycled steel, pleather seats, faux-wood paneling and twin herbal-tea-cup holders. Toyota is currently test-marketing the Pussy in Berkeley, Calif.

(Reported by Chris White)

Washingtonians Wager on Next Disaster

WASHINGTON (DPI) - District of Columbia residents are starting to place bets on the next disaster to hit the nation's capital. The options are increasingly limited, with such would-be favorites as terrorist attack, blizzard, hurricane, anthrax, snakehead fish, flood and sniper having already materialized. The top remaining picks are earthquake at 7-1, Libertarian president at 19-1, and a Montreal Expos move to the city at 21-1. FEMA has placed 1/8 of its 2004 budget on a close presidential race giving Washington the deciding vote.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

Bad News for You, Friend of Mike

DENVER (DPI) - Hey, Mike's friend! We hate to be the people to inform you, but Mike feels too horrible to tell you this himself: The girl you met the other night at his party (the blonde you thought was hot), thought you were a, in her own words, "dweeb." Since we believe in constructive criticism, we pushed for a deeper explanation, and Mike's wife responded, "[Mike's friend] needs to look in a mirror and realize he's way out of his league with someone like [the hot blonde]." Anyway, you could have found out how bitchy these chicks are on your own, but now you have lots of spare time. Enjoy a beer, free man.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Queer Guy With Pink Eye Premieres on Health Channel

"Can You Hear Me Now" Guy Put on Hold 5 Months Ago

Hitler Buggered By Yet Another Minority in Hell

Ann Coulter Hot, Yet Creepy, Yet Still Hot, That's All We're Saying

Supermodel Thinks All Men Stutter

World's Largest Ukulele Actually a Cello

Dog Still Humping Vacuum Like There's No Tomorrow

The Daily Probe is updated every Tuesday
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